Witty Jokes Unleashed: A Playground of Sarcastic Humor.

I had my patience tested.

I’m negative.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

Here's a great secret for keeping your food & electric bills down:

Get a heavier paperweight.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Common sense is not a gift...it's a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot.

The problem with long walks on the beach is the part with the beach and also the walking part.

"Why, I have the body of a 25 year old!"

"We'll you better give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled."

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

If you like water, you already like 70% of me!

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

If it wasn't for my faults, I'd be perfect.

ATTENTION ATTENTION.
The local Procrastinator’s Club meeting has been postponed for tonight. Probably won’t happen tomorrow either. Maybe the day after tomorrow but don’t hold your breath about that. We’re still looking for a meeting place.

Sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests.

Just because I don’t know the words doesn’t mean I won’t sing.

I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.

I wish I loved anything as much as my shower curtain loved sticking to my leg.

I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am…

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you...

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

I've decided to become a judge so I can declare all my pleasures not guilty.

Some people are like acronyms, you don’t know what the fuck they stand for.

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !

Maturity is when your brain screams "fuck you" and your fingers type "have a great day".

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

her: there's a spider in the bath

me: ok, I'll get him a little towel

Dear radio stations. You do realize there is more than just 10 songs in the world, right?

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

To reduce my carbon footprint, I've decided not to wear my carbon shoes.

We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Nothing lasts longer than a video someone is showing you that you have no interest in.

I don’t even run if I’m in danger, what makes you think I would do it for fun?

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

someone: so what are your skills?

me: making bad decisions.

I don't mind saying my age because I'm still pretty, still sharp, and if you disagree I can hit you with my walking stick.

I say "MORNING" instead of "GOOD MORNING" because if it was a "good" morning I'd still be in my bed and not talking to people!

5 age-appropriate things women over 40 should wear:
1. Whatever
2. The
3. Fuck
4. She
5. Wants.

I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the asshole button!

My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.

The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

The worst part of being an adult is literally every part of being an adult

No matter how many people around you think are stupid, you are low-balling that estimate.

Even if I agree with your bumper sticker 100%, I still think less of you for having a bumper sticker.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.
It's an age thing.

Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

Someone asked if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

Just had my first UFO experience!
Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!

Flying saucers everywhere!

I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they're standing.

My wife is a terrible cook. She uses the Smoke Detector as a timer.

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.
Ask a sniper.

I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.

He died the way he lived. Experiencing massive heart trauma.

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?
Killed, you get killed!

Violence is never the answer.

Unless the question is 'What is never the answer?'

Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff.

The reason short people argue a lot is because they can't see the point.

Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof.
I lost it already.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, $5"

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm?
How´d that work out for him?

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon.
And I was raised better than that.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

I might be annoying but once u get to know me I am even worse.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love". She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

If it hurts you more then it hurts them....
Your probably holding the taser wrong....

"It's not about who's right or wrong."
-The person that is wrong

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.