Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

I hate cleaning my windows…

It’s a pane in the glass.

In 2018 Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, ran an ad campaign branding itself as the "G-Spot of Europe" accompanied by the slogan "Nobody knows where it is, but when you get there - it's amazing."

What do you get when you cross a cow and a trampoline?
A milkshake that really bounces!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

People with “Trust No one” tattoos are liars.
They have already trusted the tattoo artist.

I have a problem with my genitals.

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two.

Porn sites are the only places where it’s acceptable to separate people by their age, sexuality, race and country.

We eat chickens before they are born and after they are dead.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion.
I know that now.

"Normal = neutral expression concealing existential despair and brain-crushing boredom."

-SecUnit, Network Effect

The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

My jokes are like semen.

Sometimes they land and stick.

Other times they are hard to swallow.

Today's weird fact:
a snowman's kids are called chill-dren.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Cat: Meow.

Doctor: Ok but where?

My sexual preference is.....often.

Do nudists solve problems?

No they "nut" things out, get to the " bottom" of it and "figure" it out.

Just finished a course on positive thinking.

It was rubbish.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Rearrange these letters to form words.

1. PNEIS
2. BUTTSXE

Did you get Spine and Subtext?

Me neither.

Watching Porn.
I hope they stay together.

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on T.V.

Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

I told my wife, “Did you know Old MacDonald’s farm has been taken over by ChatGPT?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

Just looked up an old girlfriend from school.
Being a gynaecologist is a bit weird.

Me: this is romantic isn’t it? Just the two of us.
Cellmate: I mean I guess.

I asked him to show me...
"What those fingers do?"

He's currently making shadow puppets while I hold the flashlight....

I've developed a rash on my upper leg , and everytime I scratch it, I hear music.

Doctor says it's spotty thigh.

We were taught to fear the witches instead of the ones who burned them, and I think that's the problem.

You know you are meant for each other when you're both taking the same meds.

Disappointment is when you run into a wall with an erection,and break your nose!

If you ever see me talking to myself, mind ya business...

I'm having a staff meeting.

I was on a train and this hot Thai chick sits next to me. I kept thinking to myself,
"Please don't get a boner, please!"

But she did!

Women never apologize. They just sleep naked and let you decide if you’re still mad or not.

Hacking my neighbor’s 3D printer to make a dildo so he can go fuck himself.

I passed a sign that read “falling rocks”. So, I gave it a try, and no it doesn’t.

Humans can indeed fly but only for a few seconds.

A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

I haven’t had sex in so long my foreskin is growing back.

DNA is the acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

i'm not actually childish...i just know how fucked up adults are and just refuse to be that way...

Is it weird to get naked during a massage?
At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?

I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

Me: I think you may have an unhealthy attachment.

Girlfriend, trying to breastfeed our dog: Why?

Gender reveals are pointless now days.
“OMG ITS A BOY"
12 years later James is now Jessica with a penis.

Lots of people want chicken fingers.
But a very few wants to finger chickens.

The cross-eyed circumciser was so bad, he got the sack.

You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?
It’s like a 69 , but with two watching.

The pregnant woman who couldn't sing wasn't using her diaphragm properly.

At a certain age "Being good in bed" simply means not snoring...

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead.
Hey, thanks for the compliment!

What’s the difference between necrofilia and choking fetish?

15 seconds.

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?
First Come First Serve.

I have a foot fetish...
I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

I found my first grey pubic hair today..
Normally things like that don't bother me...
But this was in my Big Mac..

I'm no Magician but I once turned a back rub into 2 kids and a mortgage.

I watched a documentary about the bikini last night.

It was in two parts. It didn’t cover much.

I feel uncomfortable around short people..what if they bite my knees.

Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?
Cause they'll get chapped lips

I was informed about a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris
I couldn’t find it.

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.
Pretty nuts, right?

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they’d be a lot more possessive.

You know what catches my eye... Short People with umbrellas .

What do you call a sex scene between two trans people?

Transaction.

Some people say it is hard being a hostage. I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

I was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg.
I got angry and broke it off.

What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?
Brain freeze.