Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I ran over 5 miles today.
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapons?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
1. Murderer
2. The police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?

The opposite of right.

Loneliness is when masturbation lost its fun.

Did y'all know there are more nipples in this world than people 😐.

A local woman has given birth to a 23 pound baby boy...

Doctors reckon he should be walking 6 month’s before she does...

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Answer: Minesweeper
Question: What did Hitler call his housekeeper?

I got kicked out of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous last night.

Apparently the phrase "take a seat" is just a figure of speech.

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied "No..."
She responded: "How about now?"

Somebody just called my phone, sneezed & hung up...
Pretty sure they were cold calling me..

A man dies in a fire. At the coroner's office, his two brothers come to identify the body. They view the body but are not quite sure if it is their brother, so they ask the coroner to turn the body over. Confused, the coroner does as they ask.
"Naw, thats not him,"one of the brothers says.
The coroner ask them if they are sure.
"Yeah, sir,"the other brother says. "Everytime we go into town people say "There goes Bubba with them two assholes". And this feller only has one!"

A man picks up gorgeous woman at a bar and they go back to her place. Hes supprised to see how many teddy bears and stuffed toys she has in her appartment, the are everywhere. After a night of passion the man rolls over and says "how was it for you" the woman says "take any prize from the bottom shelf"

“Pack your bags I’ve won the lottery”
“Where we going?”
“I think you’ve misunderstood”

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂

I bought a suit of armour,
Don't like to wear it though,
It makes me look middle aged!

My wife said that sex on holiday is the best ever, worst postcard I have ever got.

Science Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

The Council have told me to take down the electric fence in my garden, because my neighbour is dead against it.

Sam has been in business for 35 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from four miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 35 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some heavy sex,
. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
As long as you are the one with the vagina.

My mate said he met a Prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bollocks
I said, "Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?"

I've been gasping for a fag all day.
Which is one of the problems of being an asthmatic homosexual.

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

"Can I borrow your penguin?"

"What?"

...just another day at the office with my work colleague 'Gwynn'.

"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."..
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo''.
The other cow replies, ''Shut the fuck up you uneducated twat''.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Me: Boss, I can't come in tomorrow cause I have "Anal Blindness".
Boss: WTF is this? Me: It's when I can't see my ass coming to work!

The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day.