Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

I once gave a guy a lift.
He spent the whole journey talking about his favourite chocolate bar...

It was the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy...

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

I saw a bloke pushing a shopping trolley up a hill full of horse shoes and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!!

Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores? Both always seem to have a sail on.

I was digging for gold and pulled a muscle. No worries, it's just a miner injury.

I was walking past a couple of street cleaners the other day when I thought... I wonder if they need training for doing that or do they just pick it up as they go along?

It took more than an hour for me to decide which skin cream to buy...
I didn't want to make a rash decision.

What did the pencil say to the other pencil ?
Your looking SHARP today bro !

A man was arrested for stealing lamps, he's expecting a light sentence.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

Never scream into a colander. You'll just end up straining your voice.

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

Worst job I had was ironing cowboy shirts. Howdy pressing.

You feel broken?
Well, dragons can't blow their own birthday candle.

I've just got first place in the ‘ Worlds Biggest Liar ‘ competition
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

Little children who fail their coloring test need a shoulder to crayon.

Today I received a letter from the electric company addressed to current resident.

My friend says I take things too literally.

Which is strange because I haven't taken anything from anyone recently.

The stitches on my pants are unraveling. It’s not what it seams. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm helping put together a good fishing TV show.
At the moment we're concentrating on getting the Cast right.

She had a wonderful photographic memory but never developed it.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.
No one knows what I'm dealing with.

Don't ever give up!...
Unless it's laundry day...
Then you can throw in the towel...

Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring.

Fortune-tellers are so easy
to buy clothes for...
They're all mediums.

Here are some genuine aptronyms (a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation)

Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
Scott Free a defence attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

The word "suns" upside down is still "suns".

Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
No?
Why it's all over town!

I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.

The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

I was going to put on a sock puppet show, but I got cold feet.

Just tried my hand at standup.
My feet were definitely better.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?

A satisfactory.

I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas.
There will only be two of us on the production line so i have to make every second count.

When I worked as a Baggage Handler, I used to try and guess what was in people's luggage.
I got it wrong in most cases.

I am looking to buy a lighthouse.
Nothing too flashy.

I have decided that today I will be telling jokes about furniture..

Sofa, so good..

My family is really worried about my addiction to dot-to-dot puzzles. It's okay though, I know where to draw the line.

I thought my teddy bear was hungry but then I discovered he's stuffed.

Why is your nose smarter than your eyes?
Your nose knows common scents.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.

I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

I got into a heated argument with a snowman...
...in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown.

As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.

The local library wasn’t too happy about it.

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

My calendar only has dates like the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th. It's very odd.

My calendar won't last long. It's days are numbered.

Someone has removed the fifth month from all of my calendars. I'm dismayed.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted!

Bought a bookcase that requires assembly. Directions are shelf-explanatory.

I have this uncontrollable urge to buy whenever there's a book sale.

I don't have shelf control.

Whats E.T short for?
Because hes only got little legs.

My new years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant, roll on next year.

What did the magician use to walk through the wall?
The Door.

Why do elephants paint their toenails Pink? So they can hide in a cherry tree without being seen.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
Shows It works, then.