Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Just bought a greyhound, my mate said: “What you going to do it with it?” I said: “Race it“. He said: “My money’s on the dog”.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

Hear about the pair of socks that broke up? One always had to be right and the other one left....

I have an inferiority complex. But I don’t think it’s a very good one.

I've got quite good at ventriloquism.
Even though I say so myself.

Use a #1 pencil sometimes. You deserve it.

I asked the hot dog seller, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure, won’t be long.”

I said, “Shit. In that case, can I have two?”

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

- My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
- You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
- No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

What do you call a displeased finger?
Disappointed

When I was a kid I loved yo-yos but it was an up an down relationship.

I'm azure as I can be that the sea is blue!

You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
as long as you don't attach a file.

Sometimes I walk by my clock just to pass the time.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn't work properly.
No surprises there...

I just bought some left-hand drill bits, but they just don't look right.

Why are circus performers often stressed? Because their job is in tents.

What do you call when you have two icicles side by side?
Bicycles.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Why did the bowling pins refuse to get up after being knocked down?
Because they were on strike.

Did you hear about the competition between animators?

It ended in a draw.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

I took a robot out for a meal, but he didn’t enjoy it.
He liked the starters, but he was turned off by the mains.

I really like ceilings... I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

What does a pizza guy use to cut his hair?
Little Caesars!

I don't think I'm as nostalgic as I used to be.

I went to the boomerang store the other day.
They have a great return policy.

Just bought a book on Feng Shui..........
I can't decide where to put it.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Why was the broom late?
It over swept.

An actor I knew fell through the floor recently....this was a stage he was going through.

Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

"That's crazy" is the perfect response when you haven't been listening.

I went into the shop and asked the guy for some rope. He said
"How long do you want it"?
I said”I'd like to keep it"

A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with six dwarves & working in a mine.

Went to see that new play, "Broken Leg" last night. The cast was amazing.

There are good ships and wood ships the ships that sail the sea. But the best ships are friendships and may they always be.

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was drinking a cup of tea. Think he was on a brake.

Today I learned that if you’re in a canoe, and it flips over in the water, you can safely wear it on your head... because it’s capsized.

Eventually my flower puns rose to the occasion.

My brother walked into a men's wear store in a rough section of Glasgow and almost - got himself kilt!

My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.

I’m not a fan.

I'm thinking about starting a castle collection, your forts will be appreciated.

Whoever nicked the mirror from the local Shoe shop needs to take a long, hard look at themselves...

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most, never use it!

I always wanted to be a submarine captain. Deep down.

Friend of mine asked me to explain how I won the lottery. I tried, but I only scratched the surface.

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew.

Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.

What begins with "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes makes people cry?
Opinions

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

I can cut a tree down just by looking at it for a time!
Don't believe me? I saw it with my own two eyes!

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

A friend has a trophy for being the "best thief". Although he didn't actually win the competition...

Why did the traffic light turn red?
Because it had to change in the middle of the street!

I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
I can't say I'm surprised.

A documentary made by the flat earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

My mate keeps taking photos of herself standing beside a boiling kettle...

I think she may have selfie steam issues....