Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

I wish I hadn't bought my underwear online.
They now want me to take a brief survey.

You will never see an orange in a brawl. They are afraid of being beaten to
a pulp.

Revenge can be sweet.
But if you sit back and watch.
Karma can be pure entertainment.

I threatened to sue the dry cleaners for giving me wrinkled clothes, and they responded by pressing suit.

People tell me that I am in denial, but I refuse to believe it.

My clock didn't wake me up in the morning. It was an alarming development.

Anyone else able to tie a rope using telekinesis?
Thought knot.

I accidentally ran over a mouse with my car on my way to work, I guess I won’t be going back to Disney land!

At my age I don’t need participation medals.
Everything I do results in atrophy.

Why do Easter eggs hide?
Cause they're a little chicken.

I love gossiping with gardeners. They always have lots of good dirt.

I watched a television series on the history of tops and dreidels. It was so popular that there are plans for a spin off.

What does a Strawberry wear to Bed?
Jammies.

The introvert urge to stay up far too late because it’s the only time you can be alone.

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On and On Anon.

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.

I used to be married to a banana, but then me and the banana split.

Every one in my town wears jumpers that are a size too small for them.
We are a very tight knit community.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

My least favorite color is purple. I dislike it more than red and blue combined.

Them: Don’t worry, you got this!

Narrator: He didn’t got this.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

“Dong. Ding Dong.”

-Jame Bond’s doorbell

I’ve just taken a DNA test and it shows that I’m 20 percent Vampire!!
I’m so ashamed I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

Might wake up early and go for a jog.
Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.

Me: I just cannot get the hang of this common core math.
IRS: sir this is tax fraud.

It seems strange that Armed Forces Day is the third Saturday in May when it ought to be March fourth.

Women are like history, no matter how many times they repeat themselves men don’t learn.

Ive just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

Me: I’ve found my dream home! How much?
Him: Ma’am, this is a public library.

In school we learn the lesson before we take the test. In life we take the test before we learn the lesson.

"So how much do they ask for rent in a place like this?"

"About twice a week."

"I'll give you 3 days to pay your rent!"

"OK. I'll pick the 4th of July, Christmas, and Easter."

Her: my eyes are up here

Me, an introvert: can I just keep staring at my feet?

How do you know if an introvert is waving at you?

He’s not.

A fire hydrant is H2O on the inside, and K9P on the outside.

If you get an email with the subject
Knock Knock.
Don't open it.
It's Jehovahs witnesses working from home.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.

Why do meditation masters enjoy playing tennis?
Because the scores always start with love, love. The game always begins with a service. And the winner gets a cup that’s empty.

Q: Why do mindful meditators love birthdays?

A: They love all the ‘Presents’.

Non-meditator: ‘Don’t just sit there, do something!

Meditator: ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

"I was a terrible kid"
- A terrible adult

FUN Fact:
Iceland's population is so small that an Icelandic company has created an anti-incest app to prevent Icelanders from dating their relatives.

What did the suspenders say to the pants?
What's up britches!?

I stopped my origami classes.

There was too much paperwork.

The BRAIN ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.

FUN Fact:
You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

These days I think a lot about the hereafter,I go to places in the house and then think what am I "here after"!

I was asked in a interview, describe your life in a nutshell...
Well its very dark and cramped.

Her: Can you stop yawning when I'm talking to you?

Him: I'm not yawning, I'm trying to say something!

Hi everyone, I just want to say two things.

1. Things
2. Things

Kermit the frog asked miss Piggy to douche with honey and vinegar because he loves sweet and sour pork.

I'm trying to decide... laundry today or naked tomorrow?

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

A country peasant rode on a donkey letting his poor wife follow along on foot. A tourist said, "Friend, why is your wife not riding?" The peasant replied sorrowfully, "She has no donkey."

Why do baby chicks say, "Cheep, cheep, cheep"?
They can't say, "Expensive, expensive, expensive."

FUN Fact:
Neil Armstrong had to fill an immigration form while coming back to the earth from the moon.

NASA hired a claustrophobic astronaut.
.
He just needed a little space.