Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

A woman goes to the doctor and says "im getting too much discharge"
The Dr says "pop off your knickers and hop onto the bed" he then puts on a latex glove and applies three fingers into her vagina
"How does that feel?" He asks
"Fucking lovely but the discharge is in my ear!" She replied.😂

The worst thing about being schizophrenic is that no one ever listens to what I am going through.
I may as well be talking to myselves.

Can't sleep because of what my doctor said...
He diagnosed me with insomnia.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

Then there was the woman who was cured of her nervousness in one treatment. The doctor told her it was a sign of old age.

A bloke went straight past the receptionist into the doctors surgery and said "I have swallowed a snooker ball"
The doctor said "get to the end of the cue".

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.

I went to the doctors today with a throbbing headache. He asked “what have you been doing”. I replied “I have been having pillow fights with my grandchildren. After he examined me he said “ you have got con cushion.

I have a condition where I tell bad airport jokes.
The doctor says its terminal.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine,

It was about a weak back.

Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... Not with a Daffodil.

I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
Me: That's a lot of sex

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

My scoliosis was so bad, I was hunched over and convinced there was nothing any doctor or surgeon could do to fix me; but I stand corrected!

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well...

A woman goes to the dentist and wait her turn. The dentist calls her in and she takes off her underwear and sits down and puts her legs up. The dentist says I’m sorry but I’m not a gynecologist and the woman says I know but I need you to take my husband’s teeth out.

A man went to his doctor with an unusual issue.
"Every time I pass gas, it sounds like ‘Honda," he said.
The doctor frowned and shook his head.
“I can’t help you, but I know who can,” the doctor said. He made me an appointment with a Chinese dentist.
A couple of days later, unsure what kind of help a Chinese doctor would be for his embarrassing problem, the man showed up for the appointment.
“Open up your mouth and let me look at your teeth,” the Chinese doctor told him.
Seconds later, he said, “Ah, so! Here’s problem. You have abscess!”
“What possibly could an abscess have to do with making my fart sound like Honda?” the man asked.
The dentist replied; "Have you not heard old Chinese proverb -- 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda'? "

What's the best cure for water on the knee ?
A tap on the ankle .

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

I took viagra to help with my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it or anything, but it keeps the blankets off my legs when I'm sleeping!

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

There was a lady and husband that decided to try making love in their backyard. When the lady opened her legs a bee flew into her vagina. So they went to the Dr to have it removed. The Dr said oh no problem sir if it'ss okay with you I will put honey on my penis, and pull out and the bee will be out. After a period of time had passed the husband noticed the Dr was enjoying himself, the husband said hey what are you doing you seem to really be enjoying yourself and the bee has not come out either. The Dr. Turned to the man and said I'm going for plan B I'm gonna drown the little bastard.

Sent my hearing aid off for repair a month ago.
I've heard nothing since....

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.