Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

I've suffered with Amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Going to the optometrist tomorrow to help me focus better at work.. Could be eye-opening. Will have to see.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...”
I asked “Are you single??”
She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

Optician: Have your eyes had ever been checked.
Me: No, they've always been blue.

I phoned the sex line and didn't use any protection. Now I got hearing AIDS.

Oh no!, you have a bladder infection?..... I'm sorry but Urine Trouble.....

Before surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle......
It was an either/oar decision.

Didn't realise 35 is the max age someone can be circumcised. Apparently that's the cut off age!

I can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Bird flu requires tweetment while swine flu just needs oinkment

Every time I see nickels, dimes and quarters I have a panic attack....
the Doctor says I'm afraid of change...

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital" Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical" Me: "Ah, you get used to that"

My doctor prescribed a recently released drug to treat my depression.
It's called Enditol.

Why do they call them hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken!

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Doctors don't actually save lives, they just delay deaths. So, they are just death snooze buttons.

It's rare that a defibrillator fails, but nobody's shocked when they do.

Why did the angry doctor go out of business?

Because he was losing his patience.

I’m not paranoid....even though you all think I am!

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I'm taking his advice
with a pinch of salt .

I've just bought the National Eczema associations latest scratchcard.

Do you remember that joke I posted about my chiropractor?
It was about a weak back?

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.

I found I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins £10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, £10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turns to shock and he says, "You lucky bastard! You've won the raffle as well!"

My doctor told me I had a rare condition which makes me feel like I'm constantly being lied to.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Support Bacteria...it’s the only culture we’ve had since the lockdown!

My dentist informed me today that I need a crown. Finally, someone who understands me.

One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.
He asking the pharmacists "Could you taste this for me, please."
Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along, taking the spoon with a
tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and
with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.
"Now does that taste sweet to you?" says the old man.

The pharmacists said to the old man "Hell no!"
"Oh that's a relief," say the old man, "The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar."

You are never alone if you have schizophrenia 🤔🤔🤔

I have COD.
It’s like OCD, but the letters are in the proper order.

Just to let you all know, I had the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать Обожаю Владимира Путина!

I like my women how I like my Covid...
...19 and easily spread...

Psychiatrists tell us that talking helps solve our problems - it often causes them too.

For years I was against Organ Transplant.
Then I had a change of Heart.

What should be the slogan of World Health Organization?
WHO cares!

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Gonorrhea would've been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I injured my back in Egypt, and had to see a Cairopractor.

I think my bucket is sick, it looks a bit pale.

The doctors who completed the first tongue transplant refused comment. They said the operation will speak for itself.

Q: Why does your nose run?
A: Because it can't walk.

I've been getting really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of em.

My wife and l decided we didn't want children so l had a vasectomy. It didn't work the kids were still there when l got home.

I went to donate blood the other day
But they wouldn't accept it,
Apparently they need to know where it comes from .

I went on a date with a dentist. Then date went really well.
She doesn’t want to see me again for 6 months.

There was this older man who is married to a Doctor.
Everyday he ate an Apple with lunch.
Only to come home and be very disappointed.

A woman is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without a doctor in attendance. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

"Surround yourself with Positive people"they said.
Now I'm in a Hospital bed.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor."
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

Doctor, doctor, will my measles be better by next Monday?
I don’t wanna make any rash promises!

I went to the doctor today about my anxiety. He told me it was all in my head !

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.
During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.
The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.
He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!
"What happened!" screamed the nurse.
"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Nurse Rosy was known for getting her instructions reversed. If the doctor said give the patient two pills at four o'clock she would invariably give four pills at two o'clock.
One evening the doctor arrives on the floor to make his final round for the day and he is startled to see a patient running down the hallway with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze, screaming at the top of his lungs, and being chased by Nurse Rosy carrying a big pot of boiling water.
The doctor yells, "Damn it, Nurse Rosy, I very distinctly told you to prick his boil !"