555+ Sarcastic, sardonic and satirical jokes !

You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

I asked my lawyer friend if he’d help me with my will...
"leave it all to me", he said...

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

To reduce my carbon footprint, I've decided not to wear my carbon shoes.

“Are you busy tomorrow?”

That entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

"I'm not heartless, i just learned how to use my heart less."

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves... that's where I come in.

New Year New Me…
I’m gonna be worse!

I’ve been told I need professional help….. I think a chef, maid and butler should do.

I'm not as mean as I could be, and I want people to be more grateful for that..

I regret nothing... but mostly because I can't remember most of the stuff I should probably regret.

Remember: The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I'm not really stupid...
I'm just pretending..
So I'll "fit in".

A common mistake is thinking our hair turns white as we grow old. That's not true. The hair color doesn't change. It's our life that gets darker.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?
Men will actually search for a TV remote.

Happy independence day!

"It's only treason if you lose"

How tf you gonna date a left handed person & expect things to be right???

If you wake up in a red room with no windows or doors don’t panic you’re in my heart…

I’m only 2 wives short of being a polygamist.

A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..
He tells her, "Nice legs!"
"Wow, you really think so?"
"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."

It's not that people use only 10% of their brains... it's that only 10% of people use their brains.

I always enjoyed my girlfriend’s wit, but
now I’m breaking up with her.
Turns out she was faking her sarcasms.

I'm only talking to myself today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Some people think of themselves as champagne in a tall glass when in reality they’re just luke warm piss in a plastic cup.

Don't blame online shopping,u also don't look exactly like ur profile pic.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”
And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

In order to be a smart ass, you must be smart. Otherwise your just an ass!

As an introvert I don't get the phrase "go big or go home"
Why the hell would I want to go big when i'm allowed to go home and be alone.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.
I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

Often, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my daily demands.

I have a photographic memory.
…. I’m just all out of film!

I'm a firm believer in karma...
All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.

Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant.
Me: no sweat.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

Common sense is not so common.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99% of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

I always name my problems "people" because that's what causes them.

I already know I'm going to hell... at this point, it's just a case of go big or go home!

I tell people to follow their dreams. Or follow whatever, just get away from me.

I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.

I hate it when people just won’t let go of the past…. Debt collectors are the worst.

Her: Where are my leftovers?
Me: I’m in the living room, and please stop calling me that.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

There's a good chance you don't like me. However, there's even a better chance that I don't give a fuck.

Fine, she said.
Murder, she wrote.

I'm not undressing you with my thoughts...
I'm just baring you in mind...

If you're really, really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

LIFE is like a chocolate box. Just get your own, and stay away from mine!

I told her I wanted to take a picture with the dog,
She told me to use the camera instead...

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

I don’t need your opinions, I already don’t know what to do with mine.

Them: I haven't seen you in years!

Me: Yeah, that was intentional.

I've just learned that if my wife tells me that I am right,it's called "Sarcasm"!!!

"Can you multitask?"
Yeah I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Used to think you were a pain in the neck.

My opinion of you has dropped significantly!

All bad girls come home sooner or later and I’m on my way home.

There is a hidden go fuck yourself in every it is what it is.

To err is human, but to blame it on someone else shows managerial potential!

I think, therefore I self sabotage.

If they say they’re over it, they’re not over it.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I asked the librarian if she could direct me to the self-help section.

She said she could... but that would defeat the purpose...

My middle finger is used when words aren't enough for people to understand that they're annoying.

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!

I had my patience tested.

I’m negative.