555+ Sarcastic, sardonic and satirical jokes !

Son: Have you ever been wrong dad?
Dad: Yes, when I thought I was wrong.

I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY..IT APPEARED RIGHT AFTER THE FLYING CUP MY WIFE THREW AT ME..

The sentence 'Don't believe everything you read on the Internet' is the same backwards.

"Can you multitask?"
Yeah I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Sometimes you just meet someone and know instantly you want to spend your entire life
without them !

A woman once asked me what is was like to have a penis.
I said " it's hard sometimes".

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Before I met my wife.
I thought an itchyfanny was a Japanese
motor bike.

She's YOUR girlfriend but the Y is silent when you gone👀

I bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon, just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...
Are they out for delivery?

To the person who stole my shoes
When I was
on the bouncy castle...
GROW UP!!!!

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet,
You can hide but you can’t run.

Myself and my wife have decided we don’t want kids,
We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Who was the first farmer to pull a cows udder and thought Mmmm l think l will drink that.

I had this serious medical condition when I was young, where I had to eat soil 3 times a day just to stay alive.
I’m lucky my older brother told me about it really.

I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY..IT APPEARED RIGHT AFTER THE FLYING CUP MY WIFE THREW AT ME..

My name is John Wait. When Bill collectors call, I refer them to my wife Helen. If you want money go to Helen Wait.

A woman asked me for sex yesterday.
I had to disappoint her...
We had sex !

Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands.

Sorry I took my pants off at your Gender Reveal party.. I thought we were all participating. My Bad🙄

If you cut your left arm, then your right arm will be left.

I'm afraid of toilets. Any toilet. I don't know why but it just scares the shit out of me.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.
But only for like 20 seconds.
And only once.

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1,000!
They took a bag of popcorn, a large coke and a box of candy.

A bee finds out his queen bee is cheating on him. That really stings.

So my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry....!

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "go vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he has been slapped, spit on, punched, thrown down the stairs & had a bottle thrown at him! I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Wife just said "You treat this place like a hotel".
She may regret it when I give a low score on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

I slept with my best friends wife last night and now I feel absolutely fucking awful.
Hope it's not Covid.

Dating a church girl is the best... I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.

Was at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pondWas at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

Has anybody else bought a Covid-19 testing kit from Wish?
I did, and apparently I'm pregnant!

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I once read the dictionary. Now ever book I read is just a remix.

Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

i bought the wife a pug dog yesterday, despite the squashed nose , bulging eyes and rolls of fat ...
the dog seems to like her .

I've just found an old photograph of me in my boxing days.
If you turn it sideways, it looks like I'm standing up. 🥊

COP: I’m giving you a ticket for speeding.

BLONDE: What should I do with it?

COP: Save it. When you have 4 you get a bicycle.

Coworker: Do you know Juan?
Me: Be more specific. I'm Puerto Rican. We all know Juan 🇵🇷

Some people are like clouds

When they fuck off its a nice day. 😎

I've been married long enough to know that when my wife says 'I love you', she is talking to the dog 🐕

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Having sex with a depressed person is necrophilia. Cause we're dead inside. 😉

Sometimes they don't love you, They love how you love them.

I am always right! I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.🤗