Witty Jokes Unleashed: A Playground of Sarcastic Humor.

Where Sarcasm Meets Hilarity.

Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

Welcome to the world of sarcastic humor, where wit and intellect collide to create a hilariously biting experience! If you're a fan of tongue-in-cheek remarks and clever comebacks, you've landed in the perfect corner of the internet. Here, we celebrate the art of sarcasm, showcasing the sharpest tongues and the wittiest minds. So, buckle up, and prepare to embark on a laughter-filled journey through the realm of sarcastic humor – because, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence." Let's prove him right, shall we?

I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Do you know why cute people are busy?
Will tell you later.
Am busy now.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

If laughter is the best medicine, then your face might be healing the world.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Must admit my wifes cooking is incredible...
With a silent ‘cr’.

What do you call the soft tissue between a sharks teeth? The slowest swimmer!

If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn't understand directions".

Gambling is a sin. Bet you can't give it up.

I'm going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

What is so special about a person who wouldn't harm a fly?
Show me a person who wouldn't harm a mosquito.
Then we'll talk.

Most people probably apologize unnecessarily more often than they apologize when it is necessary.

WHAT'S REALLY FUNNY? Actually, EVERYTHING is funny! But as long as it’s happening to somebody else!

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention!

A man asked me what I did for a living.
" I'm a spy " l replied.
" Then why are you dressed as a shepherd ? "
" I'm a shepherd's spy "

GOD must LOVE stupid people... He created so many!

I talk to myself a lot. That's because I am a good listener...

Turning your passion into your profession is kinda like setting your favorite song as your alarm.

I’ll tell you what really catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.

Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

Turns out when Cooking all I have in common with Gordon Ramsey is Bad Language!

Future you probably hates you.

Today i plan on being as useful as the letter G in Lasagna.

If you don't know my whole story, keep your mouth shut.
If you know my whole story, you're an accomplice. Keep your mouth shut.

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.

When I was young, I was quite poor. But after many years of hard graft and earning an honest pay, I'm no longer young.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do!

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?”
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?
Some big ass hands.

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said "We don't sell those, I'm afraid."
Silly woman. They're not *that* scary....

Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else"
To which I replied, "I am"

My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.

You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.

What you get when you cross a ship called Titanic and an ocean called Atlantic?
... about halfway.

Hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.

Is drowning yourself in a toilet considered sewercide?

When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My grief councillor died, but she was so good, i dont care!

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

There is too much apathy in the world....but then again who cares?.

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

People say I’m self-centred, but that’s enough about them.

They say there is nothing in the world harder than a diamond. There is… paying for it.

I'm more than 60 years old and never used essential oils.
It makes me wonder how essential they really are.

If at first you don' t succeed, bomb defusing is not for you.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

I'm such a rebel, I eat spring rolls in winter.

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

I am a very self disciplined person. I can resist anything except temptation.

A well dressed and wealthy looking couple entered an inline skate store somewhere in the more affluent part of Hollywood. The store clerk greets them warmly:"Good morning Sir, Madam. Please feel free to browse and I will be here if you require assistance", obviously smelling some commission.

"Thank you", acknowledged the couple and soon after they returned to the store clerk with a pair of Dunlop inlines.
"We'll take these", announced the husband
The somewhat snooty store clerk was mildly taken aback said:"Sir I can tell you're here to do business and not waste anyone's time, so why not look at our more exclusive range? We have the best in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Spalding and many more. Why are you settling for Dunlop's?"

Husband replies:"Oh it's for our daughter's birthday. She just became a teen and this is her first pair of skates. We are happy with the Dunlops for now thank you.", and on that note they paid and left.

Moments later another customer enters and the clerk says:"Morning and welcome. Please feel free to look at our exclusive range with only the best names in sport"

The customer replies:"I just need a pair of cheap skates for every day use"

Clerk signals to the door with his head and said:"Sorry sir, but the last pair just left the shop..."

If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.

I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.

I've got great taste in women

Unfortunately they have better taste in men.

Son: Have you ever been wrong dad?
Dad: Yes, when I thought I was wrong.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

I was disappointed when I found out that stress balls are NOT for throwing at the faces of people who stress you out.

Be careful on the roads this year... many men are getting extremely drunk .... and allowing their wives to drive .....

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He 'misses' you.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.

It's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up!

If anyone’s wondering how the future of humanity is going, my 3 year old grandson can unlock my iPhone but still can’t figure out what a spoon is for.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.