Sarcastic, sardonic and satirical jokes !

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

I might be annoying but once u get to know me I am even worse.

When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My grief councillor died, but she was so good, i dont care!

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

There is too much apathy in the world....but then again who cares?.

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

People say I’m self-centred, but that’s enough about them.

They say there is nothing in the world harder than a diamond. There is… paying for it.

I'm more than 60 years old and never used essential oils.
It makes me wonder how essential they really are.

If at first you don' t succeed, bomb defusing is not for you.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

I'm such a rebel, I eat spring rolls in winter.

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

I am a very self disciplined person. I can resist anything except temptation.

A well dressed and wealthy looking couple entered an inline skate store somewhere in the more affluent part of Hollywood. The store clerk greets them warmly:"Good morning Sir, Madam. Please feel free to browse and I will be here if you require assistance", obviously smelling some commission.

"Thank you", acknowledged the couple and soon after they returned to the store clerk with a pair of Dunlop inlines.
"We'll take these", announced the husband
The somewhat snooty store clerk was mildly taken aback said:"Sir I can tell you're here to do business and not waste anyone's time, so why not look at our more exclusive range? We have the best in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Spalding and many more. Why are you settling for Dunlop's?"

Husband replies:"Oh it's for our daughter's birthday. She just became a teen and this is her first pair of skates. We are happy with the Dunlops for now thank you.", and on that note they paid and left.

Moments later another customer enters and the clerk says:"Morning and welcome. Please feel free to look at our exclusive range with only the best names in sport"

The customer replies:"I just need a pair of cheap skates for every day use"

Clerk signals to the door with his head and said:"Sorry sir, but the last pair just left the shop..."

If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.

I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.

I've got great taste in women

Unfortunately they have better taste in men.

Son: Have you ever been wrong dad?
Dad: Yes, when I thought I was wrong.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

I was disappointed when I found out that stress balls are NOT for throwing at the faces of people who stress you out.

Be careful on the roads this year... many men are getting extremely drunk .... and allowing their wives to drive .....

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He 'misses' you.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.

It's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up!

If anyone’s wondering how the future of humanity is going, my 3 year old grandson can unlock my iPhone but still can’t figure out what a spoon is for.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Girl: I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that BAD?
Me: You spelt DAD wrong.

Whats everyone using to scrape ice of their windows these days ?
I used a discount card out of my wallet this morning. Wasn’t much good, I only got 20% off.

There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

How to warn someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head.
2. Say “ooh, careful”.

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.
I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?".

I saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "Guess" on it.

Apparently "Implants?" was not the appropriate response..?

A moment of silence for everything i have to do but am not doing.😑

How is a circus different from a singles bar?

At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

Benefits of dating me
1. I'm ugly and poor so no one will ever try to steal me from you.

I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

If u ever need nothing i'm here for u.

I've just finished a positive thinking course.

What a waste of time 😠