Random absurd joke:

- I'm going fishing.
- You got any worms?
- Yea but I'm going anyway. 🤓

Absurd jokes collection.

Selected absurd jokes:

I don't think all those screwdrivers
really belong to Philip.

I’ve finally completed the first item on my bucket list.
- I have the bucket!

Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?

What’s yellow, dangerous and hangs from a tree.

A banana with a machine gun.

More absurd jokes...

- I'm going fishing.
- You got any worms?
- Yea but I'm going anyway. 🤓

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚

What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside! 🦃

What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple. 💜

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter! 🐾

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?
A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.
The third half is absurdity.

An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist
The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said.

“See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do. Morty, do you like food?”

“Some of it.”

“Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal. Can you do that?”

“Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.”

“Great! What makes the food there so good?”

“I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

A Priest, a Pastor, a Rabbi, and a Redditor walk into a bar...
The bartender, seeing the absurd entourage, scoffs and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

The Redditor corrects him and says, "No actually, it's a repost"

Three little old ladies are traveling down the road when they get pulled over by a police officer.

Police: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I don't.

Officer: It was about the speed you were traveling.

Driver: That's absurd. I was doing the exact speed limit!

The Officer was confused and said: Ma'am I clocked you on my radar going only 20 miles per hour!

Confused, the lady said: "Officer, that's what I'm telling you, I was doing the exact speed limit. See, 20 miles per hour. Right there!"

The officer has a chuckle and said: "Ma'am, that's the sign stating that you're traveling on highway 20. I'll let you off with a warning, please be aware of street signs". As he was walking away he saw another little old lady in the back seat completely broken down, breathing heavy and grasping her seat in distress. The cop then asked the driver "Is she okay in the back seat there?"

The driver replies: Oh, she's fine. We just got off highway 185"

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.

Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.

They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart. Of course like any decent gentleman he chose not to embarrass himself and hold it in. But he failed and it came out almost instantly.

"Max, get out of here right now!" His girlfriend said. Max was her dog that was sitting just beside their table.

Bart was relieved that she thought it was the dog that farted! Looks like he got away this time.

Now Max the obedient boy that he is, went straight under the table, girlfrien.. let's just call her Annie from now, just ignored him and continued on their date.

About 5 minutes have passed and Bart had the urge to fart again. He's not called Farty Bart for nothing.

This time it was one of those farts that are labeled "silent but deadly" Bart wanted to be sneaky and just let it out without a sound, praying Annie wouldn't notice.

Again, he failed.

Annie noticed the absurd smell immediately.

Again she said "Max, get out of here i said!"

Again Max didn't bat an eye and just stayed there.

Bart, again relieved that he got away because of his now best friend Max, is... well about to fart again.

This fart was one of those "big ones" you know the one the you know is gonna be bad... like really bad

He tried to hold it in, his face began to turn red, he sweated a lot, he was like having this spiritual battle... with his fart.

And then alas, he failed.

The fart came out in all of it's glory, probably filling the whole room!

Now Annie was full of it, she couldn't stand it, Max had to go.

Annie stood up and said "Max! If you don't get out of here right now you're gonna get shat on!"

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.

At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.

And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.

Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.

The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.

"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."

"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."

This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.

He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."

The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.

The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.

"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

The son of the absurdly rich oil magnate had lived his entire life in extreme prosperity. His father did not want him to be too spoiled. So when the son went to the US for university, he decided that he would be driven by their chauffeur in a Tesla.

After the son had been in the USA for a month, the great El-Ali received his first letter from his son: "This place is lovely, the people are nice, the teachers are magnificent and I have never had so many friends. However, there is one thing that is somewhat embarrassing to me. While everyone of my friends arrive at Uni by train, I'm being driven in a Tesla."

The son promptly received his response: "Dear beloved son, I'm happy that you are thriving and I look forward to seeing your friends. Your mother and I will soon visit, and we have discussed this 'embarrassing' situation. No son of the great El-Ali should feel embarrassed amongst his friends. Tell me what kind of train your friends are riding and I shall buy you one!"

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"
Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"
Man: "Ever since I was an outline..." 🤸‍♂️

A man walks into a bar after a long day and proceeds to drink. Meanwhile he gets friendly with this well dressed chap near him.
After some beers this new friend says " Dude do you know that if you drink whiskey here you can fly temporarily ?"
"What ? That's absurd !! Ok prove it to me right now !!" says the man, wisely.
The well dressed guy removed his coat, and then proceeds to jump out the window. He does a somersault and some tricks and comes back in safely.
"Your turn " he says.
The man, who now has complete faith in the dude proceeds to take a shot of whiskey and jumped out through the window. He fell and broke most of his bones.
As he was being taken away in the ambulance, the bartender comes up to him and says " Damn... Superman can be real mean when he is drunk !!"

My wife is blaming me for screwing up her birthday
She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday. 😀

More fresh absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes on the following pages...