Brilliant Absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes.

I went to see an acupuncturist. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

It's weird we can laugh at our own jokes. It's like one part of our brain is amused by what another part comes up with.

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket .
He said "Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"

I've got behind with my subscriptions to Scrabble Club. Now they're sending me threatening letters!

I had this one night stand & I felt so guilty that I went out the next morning & bought another for the other side of my bed.

To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say...the steaks are high.

Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.

“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”

“Nice...where is it?”

“No idea!”

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich!" The genie continued, "What’s your second wish?"

“I want a nice long life,” said Rich.

If anyone asks if you liked New Wave, tell them you never cared for wildebeests on surfboards.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.

Q:Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
A:Because you can only get down from a goose.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and now I just live in constant fear.

I understand how cars work.
Aeroplanes are way over my head.

I surprised my milkman by appearing naked at the door. He wanted to know how I knew where he lived.

The economy is so bad:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with food, rent, or bills for the next 10 years regardless of your success.

My wife told me to get our 8 year old ready to go back to school.

So I punched him and took all his lunch money.

I really want to buy an electric hair trimmer.
But I don't have electric hair.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits
Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences.

I accidentally cut my wrist at work today... so I put my watch on covering the cut because time heals all wounds.

What’s the difference between a bike, tuna, and glue?
You can tuna bike, but you can’t bike a tuna.
Still thinking about the glue?? See, I knew you would get stuck there.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

I saw a sign that read "Watch for children"
I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The bookstore had a book that said, This Will Solve half of your problems. I bought two of them.

I recently took a poll, and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Can't believe that I've just finished my degree in Archeology!
My life is in ruins now !!

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I once dated a twin. A friend asked how I tell them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right check and Frank has a beard.

Without is with "out" and with is without "out" . How strange .

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?

Did you know that you don't wash your hands, you just stand there watching them wash themselves like a creep.

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "YUP, it is" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You IDIOT! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!".

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

It seems to me the meaning of opaque is unclear.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

My uncle Jack died the other day,
Oh dear, What of ?
I don't know
But apparently it wasn't anything serious .

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
John: I want to be rich
Genie: Done
Rich: But noting happened

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

How lucky I'm, I've married a girl who is already pregnant.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me .
Will I need a safe word ?

Police: the fuck is wrong with you ?

I couldn’t find my car keys, my wife said I need to look harder, so I shaved my head, got a load of tattoos and a pit bull, but I still can’t find them.

A human drinking vampire blood.
Vampires asks "what does it taste like"
Human answers "like irony".

The police arrested a dog that was giving birth on the side of the road.
Littering is a crime apparently.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.
All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Drill Sergeant: Private Smith!!! I did not see you at the camouflage class this morning!!!

Private Smith: Thank you Sir!!!

Adult Supervision.
What a joke.

I'm 54 and if anything, my vision is getting worse!

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.

I didn't know what to make of it.

What’s yellow, dangerous and hangs from a tree.

A banana with a machine gun.

A guy sits down in a bar and hears a voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he hears, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

I bought a thesaurus I've always wanted; when I opened it all the pages were blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am!

Two kids have been arrested for drinking battery acid and eating the the gunpowder out of a box of fireworks.
One got charged and the other was let off.

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Interviewer: “What's your biggest weakness?"

Me: “I often mislead people."

Interviewer: “Really?"

Me: “No."

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral' 😎

So a guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."
"Oh, but this is a special dog," replies the man, "he can speak English. If you pour me a beer, I'll show you."
So the bartender shrugs and serves the man a beer. He turns to his dog and asks, "Rover, how does sandpaper feel?"
Without hesitation the dog replies, "Rough! Rough!"
Angry, the bartender ejects man and dog from the bar: "Get the hell outta here!"
Outside, the man frowns, looks down at his dog and shakes his head.
"What," says the dog, "Should I have said 'abrasive'?" 🐶

Saw absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach today... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his batton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages... 🐊

I recently started smoking again.

I've saved an absolute fortune on electronic cigarettes nicotine patches and gum.

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.
I think she is a keeper. 🦍

- I'm going fishing.
- You got any worms?
- Yea but I'm going anyway. 🤓

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚

What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside! 🦃

What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple. 💜

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter! 🐾

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?
A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.
The third half is absurdity.

An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist
The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said.

“See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do. Morty, do you like food?”

“Some of it.”

“Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal. Can you do that?”

“Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.”

“Great! What makes the food there so good?”

“I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

A Priest, a Pastor, a Rabbi, and a Redditor walk into a bar...
The bartender, seeing the absurd entourage, scoffs and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

The Redditor corrects him and says, "No actually, it's a repost"

Three little old ladies are traveling down the road when they get pulled over by a police officer.

Police: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I don't.

Officer: It was about the speed you were traveling.

Driver: That's absurd. I was doing the exact speed limit!

The Officer was confused and said: Ma'am I clocked you on my radar going only 20 miles per hour!

Confused, the lady said: "Officer, that's what I'm telling you, I was doing the exact speed limit. See, 20 miles per hour. Right there!"

The officer has a chuckle and said: "Ma'am, that's the sign stating that you're traveling on highway 20. I'll let you off with a warning, please be aware of street signs". As he was walking away he saw another little old lady in the back seat completely broken down, breathing heavy and grasping her seat in distress. The cop then asked the driver "Is she okay in the back seat there?"

The driver replies: Oh, she's fine. We just got off highway 185"