Bar Jokes: Laughter, Libations and All Things Alcoholic.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

A dwarf walks into a bar.
He hits his head and falls down.
I know you were expecting a better joke but the bar was set too low.

My doctor said that I should watch my drinking, so now I just go to bars with mirrors.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

I don't watch soccer. If I wanted to see someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take my friends to the bar.

An empty glass walks into a bar.
The barman says: ”Sorry I can’t serve you, you’re drunk.”

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"
(statistics fun)

BAR & BRA
Same letters
Different words
But Both Keep Men Eagerly Waiting Till They Open.

An introvert walks into a bar...
My bad, I was thinking of someone else. The introvert stayed at home.

An introvert walks into a bar...
Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit.

Three Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into a Bar.

Don’t tell me that’s not a coincidence.

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Woman: whisky barman

Barman: how many fingers?

Woman: let me have a few drinks first..

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified.

Be careful its windy out there!
Only went out to get the Mrs some bread and I got blown into the pub.

Autocorrect walked into a bar… and the batman said why the log fence?

An Elf and an Orc walk into a bar.

The Dwarf walks under it, laughing

A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

A tennis player walks into a bar and starts serving.

I only went to the pub for 'Naked Happy Hour', but I stayed until clothing time.

I’ve just been to a pub called The Goalkeepers Arms. What a dive!

I've started a job at a smoothie bar, i'm blending in nicely.

Q: Where do you most often find onions having a drink ?
A: In the salad bar.

In the pub and I’ve just been introduced to the guy who invented the window sill…..what a ledge!

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

My father was an amazing magician...he could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

NOT ONLY WAS HE kicked out of the rock group for being obnoxious, but he was not allowed back in the lounge.
In other words he was...banned from the band and barred from the bar.

I went to a bar where a leopard was sitting on my favorite seat. He refused to move because a leopard never changes his spots.

A horse walks in to a bar.
The bartender says "hey".
The horse says, "sure".

A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt. The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”.

I went to a kangaroo bar the other day,
The place was bouncing.

Where do typists go for cocktails?
The Space Bar.

I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey," says the barman.
"Yes please," says the horse.

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.

An amoeba walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Pay the tab before you split.”

Just seen a Screw and and a Nail having a drink in the Pub..
The Nail was Hammered..

The bar was pretty wild last night. Some dude got his nipple pierced...
and I got banned from darts...

My chauffeur takes me to a bar whenever I say a bad word.
I swear, he drives me to drink!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

I just completed the first day of my new job as a bartender in a strip club.
I've never worked so hard in my life!

Swedish guy walks into ABBA....

A guy was walking through town when he saw a sign outside a pub, “Beer 5p a pint”. Thinking there must be some sort of catch, he went in and ordered a pint, sure enough he was charged 5p. Obviously he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, “this pub was founded 80 years ago today, and in recognition we are selling beer at the price it was on the day we first opened. The guy was impressed. On looking around he saw a couple of old lads, clearly locals, sat at a table in the corner. Noticing their table was empty, the guy asked why the two senior citizens weren’t drinking. “Oh them”, the barman replied, “they’re waiting for happy hour.“

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Beer pint of please a". The barman told him to leave. The man said, "Leave do why I to have?" and the barman said, "We don't allow bad language in here".

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walked into a bar...

I know because they told everybody there.

When I to go to bars I always order a Shingle Roof because it's on the house.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

but he kept asking her for another shot.

Sat down next to a girl in a bar and drew a mark on her face
She said:"Is that your best line?”

A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey"
The horse says, "Sure".

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern...

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night... Especially since I walked there.

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".

Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was assaulted.

A nose goes into a pub, the barman says,
“I’m not serving you, you’re off your face”.

A man in a pub goes to the toilet. As he's drying his hands the dryer tells him how ugly he is. He walks back to the bar and a bowl of peanuts starts telling him how handsome and intelligent he is...

The barman said, "The dryers out of order and the peanuts are complimentary!"

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings here."

He leaves, ties himself in a loop, messes up his hair and returns.

The bartender squints at him, "Hey aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A bee goes into a bar,
It comes out 2 hours later buzzing.

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"

A guy walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.

I'm thinking of opening a bar where everyone insults everyone else while moving to the music...
I think my idea of social diss dancing would go over well!

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

A newly couple had only been married a few weeks..

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his buddies...

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, ill be right back.”

”Where you going, coochy-coo..? asked the wife.

“Im going to the bar, pretty face, to have a beer.”

The wife says, “You want a beer, my love?” she opens the door to the frig and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries. The husband didn't know what to do.

The only thing he could say was, “Yes, but at the bar..you know..they have...frozen mugs.”

didn’t get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, “do you want a frozen glass, puppy fac open the refrigerator and handed him a frozen solid mug.

The husband, looking a bit pale,said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d’oeuvres they are really delicious... Won’t be too long... I’ll be right back I promise..Ok?

”You want hors d’oeuvres, poochie-poo?” She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d’oeuvres; spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works..

”But sweetie, at the bar..you know.. The guys are cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

Before he could finish, the wife replies, “You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

”THEN LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN THIS GODDAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE????”

Customer: Hi, can you tell me the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first
Customer: ok I'll have a Guinness
Barman: Certainly sir
Barman: There you are, that'll be £4.80 please.
Customer: Thank you, can I have the password now please?
Barman: you need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase...

Why Couldn’t COVID Get A Drink At The Bar?
Cuz COVID 19.

A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering.

A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey".
The horse replies, "Sure".

- What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
- The ambulance.

I went to a pub yesterday and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi
He said "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Good God! How big are the cats?"

An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap , or paper towels in the ladies room.

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."