555+ Clean, decent and pure jokes !

When I was a kid I loved yo-yos but it was an up an down relationship.

From now on, the proper gender neutral term for sugar daddy or sugar mama will be glucose guardian.

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.
You ask why.
Because they don't say a word when questioned.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

Sorry but I don’t answer private numbers.

Or numbers that I don’t know.

Or anyone, ever.

Also, don’t call me.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly
But saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

Teacher: “Give me a noun, Tom?”
Tom: “Dust”
Teacher: “Correct. Now give me collective noun.”
Tom: “Vacuum cleaner.”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

I always say 'Morning' instead of 'good morning' because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

The term domestic housewife implies there are feral ones and now I have a new goal.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

Friend: Want to hangout tomorrow, introvert ?

Me: I already performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.

I pretend I don't care but deep down I really still don't care.

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

Skeletons can't play church music because
they don't have organs.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise....
And, I was right.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine China?

Sir-amic.

Went to a faith healer group last night.
He was so bad, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

Information about the human brain is not always black and white. It’s really more of a gray matter.

What do you call a detective who just
solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear.
At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy.

My face in the mirror isn't so wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, and the dust is all gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

My blanket just became an insurance agent.

It offers full coverage.

The Sheik collected rabbits and ended up with a hare-em.

Just saw a teacher crying in Walmart in front of that “back to school” sign.

What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

The guys who work on my yard in the summer also shovel snow in the winter.

They go from landscapers to landscrapers.

I want to check out the hot air balloon festival this weekend.
- But I’m concerned about rising inflation!

I ate a box of crayons before taking my pilot's exam.
I passed with flying colors.

I just got an emotional support sewing machine, man, this thing really keeps me in stiches.

Having my hair styled
by a rastaman next week.
I'm dreading it.

What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh Borg.

What do you call a stressed fire?
Burnout.

Ballet is one thing that really keeps you on your toes.

Where do skeletons eat in?
The dyning room.

I recently met a guy who says he flies kites, and tells the wildest tails. He might just be stringing me along.

I couldn't tell if i was seeing a UFO or a frisbee...

Then it hit me.

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

A girl met a guy at the subway.

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Cyclops was doing a crossword and asked his wife how to spell Hawaii. She said, “You need to i’s.” He said, “Well, that’s rude!”

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

What do you call a reptile in Space?
Scalien.

Whats the difference between a sea and a sale?
You can sail a sea, and see a sale.

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

I quit visiting my acupuncturist when he stopped using needles.
I just didn’t get the point.

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays!

Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing...

And thats just to get the remote!

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class. Now let’s learn how to dance!

Me: (hiding bag of tortilla chips and sneaking out)

The difference between a teacher and a train, is that the teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but the train says chew, chew!

I keep asking people what's the lowest military rank and they all tell me "It's private." So frustrating!

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

This really polite person was driving the train.
He was a ……
CIVIL Engineer!

Rolling out of bed is easy... getting up off of the floor is another story.

I've got really sensitive teeth.

They'll be really upset I told you.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

I bought a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.
So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

I'm going to work as a waitress for the summer for the first time. Yall got any tips?

All the animals at the zoo were asleep when I visited. I was otterly disappointed.

A cage gate at the rare Asian animals' annex at the zoo was left unlocked. It was a panda-monium.

Australians don’t reproduce.

They mate.