Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

When someone says they did something "like a boss," I assume they didn't do anything and just took credit for someone else's work.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.

Which sucks because he had a great fall.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please.

Rubbish - The stuff you throw away.
Stuff - The rubbish you keep.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.

The rest, as they say, is history.

I met my wife at a local chess tournament.

She made the first move.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

Did you hear about the tale of the haunted refrigerator?

It was chilling.

Apparently, a DNA testing kit is not an appropriate baby shower gift.

How to know when something won’t be fun:

- Someone will say “come on, it’ll be fun”

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up early to exercise. Well, at least I was right about that.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

Her: I like bad boys.
Me: well you’re gonna hate my dog.

What do I want to be when I get older?

Younger.

“Sorry Miss Costello — I ate my homework.”

“Why’d you do that, Lloyd?”

“The dog refused to.”

I've had my eardrum replaced with pigskin.
My hearing is fine now, apart from a little crackling.

It's okay to talk to yourself.
And okay to answer yourself.
But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.

What happens when a microscope bangs into a telescope?

A kaleidoscope.

My bucket list so far:
1. Buy a bucket
2. Write a list

Sorry but I don’t answer private numbers.

Or numbers that I don’t know.

Or anyone, ever.

Also, don’t call me.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly
But saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

Teacher: “Give me a noun, Tom?”
Tom: “Dust”
Teacher: “Correct. Now give me collective noun.”
Tom: “Vacuum cleaner.”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

I always say 'Morning' instead of 'good morning' because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

The term domestic housewife implies there are feral ones and now I have a new goal.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

Friend: Want to hangout tomorrow, introvert ?

Me: I already performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.

I pretend I don't care but deep down I really still don't care.

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

Skeletons can't play church music because
they don't have organs.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise....
And, I was right.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine China?

Sir-amic.

Went to a faith healer group last night.
He was so bad, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

Information about the human brain is not always black and white. It’s really more of a gray matter.

What do you call a detective who just
solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear.
At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy.

My face in the mirror isn't so wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, and the dust is all gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

My blanket just became an insurance agent.

It offers full coverage.

The Sheik collected rabbits and ended up with a hare-em.

Just saw a teacher crying in Walmart in front of that “back to school” sign.

What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

The guys who work on my yard in the summer also shovel snow in the winter.

They go from landscapers to landscrapers.

I want to check out the hot air balloon festival this weekend.
- But I’m concerned about rising inflation!

I ate a box of crayons before taking my pilot's exam.
I passed with flying colors.

I just got an emotional support sewing machine, man, this thing really keeps me in stiches.

Having my hair styled
by a rastaman next week.
I'm dreading it.

What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh Borg.

What do you call a stressed fire?
Burnout.

Ballet is one thing that really keeps you on your toes.