Hilarious trolling jokes that will make your day !

Wheres the remote for the tv?

Me - In a remote location.

Sex is great and all, but have you tried it with another person?

I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them.

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
I was just looking for mute.

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off at the bar.

Everyone's the asshole in someone's story, but you're the asshole in everyone's story.

I didn't even have plans and you're still interrupting them.

I don't know how to sugarcoat this, but...you have diabetes.

I don’t hate you…I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I assure you that if we meet I will never remember your name unless you’re a dog.

If I get pushed in the pool this summer, I'm not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge.

Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.

Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

If you ever hear me breathe deeply it's not because I'm annoyed it's because I forget to breathe sometimes.

First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

Can't spell STUPID without U right in the middle!

I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

I passed a guy with a cup sitting outside a 7-Eleven. When I walked out, he said, “Any change?”
I said, “No, you look the same as when I walked in.”

I had nothing to do and I wrote in front of the condo: "I slept with your wife!" Everyone got agitated.

Advice please: is it okay to ask my wife what time tea is ready,
Or should I wait until she's finished cleaning the car ?

I'll be nicer, if you will be smarter.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my A/C bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

DMV: Are you an organ donor?

Me:. Ma'am I don't even own a piano.

If you're out running in jeans, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.

You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It's okay, I think we lost him."

Answering machine message: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

If u show her u care she will keep u as a spare.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.
She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

Saw a van that was covered in dirt at Westlands shopping centre & someone had written
"I wish my wife was as dirty as this van."
So I wrote; "She is...when you are at work!"

To the person who lost their iPhone on the bus this morning...Can you please stop calling my new phone..It's fcuking annoying me.

I'm sorry we fought.

I hate it when you're wrong.

After hearing about the vegan special, I told our waitress I have a medical condition which prevents me from being a vegan. She asked, Really? I said, it’s a flesh eating disease. She walked away.

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.

Conspiracy theories and moon landings are very much alike. They're all fake.

If someone tells you ”you look better with a beard” then they are basically saying that you look better the less they can see your face.

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.

What is the worst part of being vegan?
Getting up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt,
Can we go on a camel? I said, No,
It would take ages to get there on a camel.

My Daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.
So she invited over all her friends and I made them clean the house.

Wheres the remote for the tv?

Me - In a remote location.