Trolling Jokes: Pushing Boundaries with Humor and Pranks.

A man is in court charged with selling phoney anti-aging drugs. The judge says to him, "Have you been charged with this crime before?"
The man replies, "Yes sir, once before in 1846."!!

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”
I rang the number and told them I haven’t.
I like to help where I can.

Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

You washed your hands?
Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

Daddy, should French fries be eaten with the fingers?
No dear, the fingers should be eaten separately.

My friend just finished writing a book on “How To Make Money”.
Now, he needs money to publish it. I told him to read the book.

Me to my son: Could you take down that last clock and change it ?

Him: I can try, but it'll probably still be a clock.

My son asked me, "Dad, what are condoms used for?"

I said, "Usually to avoid answering questions like this one."

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said “Sshhhhhh!” I asked “is that all lower case?”

3 bits of advice for you.
1. Don't listen to strangers.
2. Don't take advice from strangers.
3. Why are you still reading this?

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

Picked up a carrot and asked the grocer if I could buy the rest of the snowman.

We all have faults.
It's just that mine are better than yours.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

The first rule of Condescending Club is complex and I don't think you'd understand even if I explained it to you.

"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!"

"It looks like the backstroke, sir."

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains.

Great news for most of you.

If someone tells you that you’re ignorant and apathetic, tell them that you don’t know what that means and you don’t care.

A man walks into a hardware shop and says One mousetrap please,
and can you hurry?
I have to catch a bus,
Sorry, says the sales assistance,
But our traps aren't that big.

Q: Are you a fan of Drake?

A: No, I'm his air conditioner.

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
I immediately popped the question.

A girl asks her lover,
If we get engaged will you give me a ring? Of course, He says,
What's your phone number?

People who go rock climbing: you know you don't have to, right?

Whenever someone tells me they missed me, I tell them it's because they can't aim.

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them.

At the bank I told the cashier “ I’d like to open a joint account”.. “ with who?” she asked...” with whoever has lots of money” ☺️

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman there, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Went to see a mind reader last night.
She said "Think of a card, any card"
"OK"
"Is it the four of clubs?"
"No"
"Ace of diamonds?"
"No"
"What is it then?"
"Birthday"

So I was getting into my car this morning, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"
I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
👍☺️

Lead me not into temptation. Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

Straws are for suckers.

“Hey, do you mind calling me a taxi?”

“Whatever you say, Ataxi! Seems like a strange nickname, though.”

If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting.

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”

Next time someone says “I can’t stand it anymore,” ask them if they tried sitting it down. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Went for dinner at a nice restaurant and asked the owner if they serve crabs. He replied yes, we serve anyone.

Over heard at a parts store.

"I need a headlight"

"What's it for?"

"So I can see at night"

Went into Boots and asked for a comb, the assistant said "Do you want a steel one" I said "No I'm happy to pay for it"

Do not regret past mistakes.
All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.

If you follow up Amen with Awoman, you are Amoron.

I went to the local book shop and asked where the self help section was. The shop assistant told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose.

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache.

Unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face!

Here's a piece of advice for you.
Adv.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of ventriloquism.

Especially my gynecologist.

When your bored find a great parking spot at the mall and sit in the car with your reverse lights on!

I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall. When people come over, I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

me: why do you assume I'll say something stupid?

her: you're awake

I told my therapist about a dream I had, then I asked him, “What do you think that means?”.

He said, “It means you were sleeping.”.

If you see someone doing a crossword, lean over and say: "7up is Lemonade!"

Her: I love a man with an accent.
Me: Óh rêálly?