Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.
I had a map of Italy tattooed across my chest. My Naples are so sore.
Blankets don’t warm you up. You warm up blankets.
My nephew wants to be jar of peanut butter when he grows up....the kid's nuts.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
It's not that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.
If I ever sound inspirational, one of us is drunk.
If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude .
I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.
69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!
I wanna get kidnapped to see if I’m smart enough to escape.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.
The first rule of Paradox Club, is that there is no Paradox Club.
I tried to get into hypnosis school, but failed the en-trance exam.
So poligamy is just a marry go round.
The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
I was going to run for president of the local pessimist group but I didn't think I would win.
A reality tv contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.
I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening and have to start over.
Those who teach about eyes have pupils.
Life is like a river with beavers living in it. It's just one dam thing after another.
I've been played so much , I'm now available on play store.
My hobbies include seeing how long I can hold my breath underwater and meeting Life Guards.
Nonalcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries, fills you up
but without the buzz.
I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
I know I said I never wanted to be involved in a repossession, but now I take it back.
I must be a polygamist because my wife is a Gemini.
Magicians. They can be tricky.
Time flies when you're wearing a watch inside an airplane.
Nobody flirts better than a girl that has absolutely no plans to have relationship.
Amazing how much difference there is between booty calling and butt dialing.
The best engineers have the worst handwriting.
My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
I was going to join the apathy club but couldn't be bothered.
It's really expensive to be poor.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.
An arctic survey is called the north poll.
Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...
I have no clocks downstairs. My time is up.
My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.
My visit to the barbershop was a hair razing experience.
Research done on introvertsmrevealed nothing.
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi it would be a flash mob.
I like talking to the ocean 🌊 because it can get pretty deep.
Depressing is what comes after delaundry.
I think the proper term for "senior" women should be QUEENagers.
"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Blankets don’t warm you up. You warm up blankets.
I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.
The "Using Time Wisely" conference has been moved to February 28-30.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
You can only buy used mirrors.
When I ask for directions, please don't use east west, I'll just get more lost.
I received a letter from the past, I returned it to sender.
When you drive you put your life in your foot's hands.
Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.
I knew a famous geologist who was a rock star.
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Opinions are like assholes. Everyone on the internet has seen yours and been disgusted.
Ignorance is not bliss.
It's just a fancy word for stupid.
Whoever is stealing my socks - at least take both of them.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele.
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry!
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
If u clean ur shower, you're literally ur shower's shower.
I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it.
Reincarnation is making a come back.
My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.
I really want to change the world but like I also want to lie down.
My mattress is getting pretty worn out -- I really should spring for a new one.