Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalifications.
What do you call a hippies wife?
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here....😂
I entered a fancy dress competition as a giraffe and came second.
I didn't win but at least I could hold my head high.
I really dislike Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
I don't yet have a perfect knowledge of how to do origami in reverse, but it is slowly unfolding.
You should never make fun out of a dyslexic dwarf.
It’s not big and it’s not clever!
Went out for a family meal last night, and we decided to try the duck for a change.
As usual, I ended up with the bill!
If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..
Last Christmas Eve, Santa got stuck in my chimney. Getting stuck is bad enough, but he also suffers from Claus-trophobia...
I was gonna look for my missing watch. But I could never find the time..
What do coffee lovers feel when they run out of coffee?
My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
Fact: Sharks can only attack you if you're wet.
Detective: “Tell me what you saw"
Carpenter: “Wood, mostly"
I remember when I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
I have some dead batteries if anyone wants them, free of charge.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time no sea!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.
That's a little gnome fact.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word. 😎
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
What do you call a female horse who neighs loudly at night and disturbs everyone around her?
Answer: A night 'mare'.
As a lumberjacks I cut 2457 trees.
I know because every time I cut one I keep a Log.
I used to be addicted to soap.
But now I’m clean! 🧼
How do you describe a cow that has just given birth?
Anyone got any good big bird puns....
They’re Emusing. 😍
What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An Ill eagle alien.
If a bakery always wanted you to pose with all their buns for a picture, can we call you a great..
Roll model?? 🙄
Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt.
An English man, a French man, a Spaniard, and a German enter into a bar and the bartender asked them, "Can you see me?"
They responded: "Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja"
Who decided we should park on driveways and drive on parkways anyway?
If Telly, Nelly and Pelly had a fishing contest, who would win?
Answer: Well, if any of them could catch fish, Pelly can.
Me and my best mates played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours...Well, good friends are hard to find.
My wife wants me to throw out the old glue sticks but I've become attached to them.
What did the dad say to his son when the son said he wanted to work with horses?
sounds like a stable career.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.”
The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”
Went to the doctor's with a hearing problem. He asked to describe the symptoms.
I told him 'Homer's fat' and 'Marge has blue hair'.
To prepare for my retirement, I’ve been investing heavily in the stock market. I have beef, chicken and turkey.
I’m hoping to retire a bouillonaire.
Daughter: Dad, have you ever heard of Quasimodo?
Me: Yeah, rings a bell.
The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?" I was gutted! 6yrs old and he doesn't know my names Mike. 😎
Do we require a Current license to drive an Electric car?
What do you name a camel that doesn't have any humps?
I found a snake on my car windscreen once ... i think it was a windscreen viper. 😁
What’s the name of the father of The Children of the Corn?
As a kid I always wanted to be a banker. But now I’m a Comedian.
I guess I lost interest. 💲
When it’s raining cats and dogs, make sure not to step in a poodle!! 🐩
Y'all hear the rumor about the butter ?
Dont I ask me, I'm not going to "spread it"
My father has an irrational fear of elevators.
Naturally he is taking some steps to overcome this.
In an attempt to speed up my racing snail, I took the shell off to improve aerodynamics.
Didn’t work. If anything it makes him more sluggish. 🐌