Ironic Jokes: Laugh Your Way Through Life's Twists & Turns.

My mom taught me to “work until your bank account balance looks like a phone number.”

Does $9.11 count?

I'm a responsible person.
People are always saying, "I know you're responsible for this".

It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.

The first man married to a robot recently filed for a divorce. He couldn't turn her on anymore.

I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

Eyelashes are meant to keep things out of our eyes. But whenever I get something out of my eye it’s an eyelash...eyeronic.

People say I look better without glasses but I just can’t see it.

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

I sat in my hairdressers chair and said "Make me look sexy!'
She started drinking.

When someone says, "off the beaten path," I think, why did they beat the path in the first place? It never did anything to deserve that...

An adjective for metal is metallic, but not for iron, which is ironic.

I've got the body of a porn star....
All my clothes says XXXX.

The worst possible time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent.

Based on that alone, I don't think he'd be a good secret agent.

A friend gave me a book on getting organized, but I have no idea where I put it.

I was going to start an 'Apathy Anonymous' group, but why bother?

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at."

My superpower is making people laugh... which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

I like taking pictures of myself in the shower, but they always come out too blurry.

I think I may have selfie steam issues...

I'm faster than a bullet, provided the bullet hasn't been fired.

The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.

There are many people who don't like me, and i am one of them.

Two best advices for a safe life:
1. Always speak the truth, no matter how harsh it is.
2. Run immediately after saying it.

I said I was good at making decisions.
I didn't say the decisions I made were good.

My friend opened a jewelers shop last year.
He wasn't successful though... The owner called the police.

My Cousin is an Alanis Morissette tribute act who doesnt perform her biggest hit.
Which is Ironic.

I never finish anything. I have a Black Belt in Partial Arts.

It’s not hard to win the lottery. All you have to do is pick the same numbers they do.

Seeking one night stand... possibly two because I have two lamps.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”

I get paid weekly. Very weakly!

I don't mean to brag but, whenever I undress in the bathroom my shower gets turned on.

I never thought in 2020 I could go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

I don't have mirrors in my house,
I mean who wanna see disappointment everyday?

Eyelashes are suppose to prevent things from getting in your eyes but when I do have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

The Titanic sunk over 107 years ago. Incredibly, the swimming pool is still filled with water.

When I say "The other day" I could be referring to anytime between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I got a DVD today on How to Handle Disappointment..
When I opened the case it was Empty..

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's mind. She changes it more often.

I like puns but I'm much better at visual humour. I just stand there at parties and the women start laughing...

When I die I’d like the word Humble to be written,

On my statue.

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

If there was an award for the most pessimistic person
I don't think I would win.

If anyone wants to come round and tell me why my heating bill is so high;

My door is always open.

On a scale of 1-10 you're a 9
and i am the 1 you need.

If my memory gets any worse....I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Single by choice.
just not my choice.

Middle age is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.

Strange people who don't have time for old friends but still search for new ones.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket.

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...

I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”

I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.

My handwriting is so bad, that Google uses it for captcha.

I've just heard on the news that enough rain fell on 4th October to fill Loch Ness. I wasn't aware it was empty.

They all laughed at me when I said I was going to be a stand up comedian,
No ones laughing now.

I’m over 40 years old and I’ve never used essential oils. Which makes me wonder how essential they really are.

My wife was so angry with me she threw my clothes off the balcony. Unfortunately I was still in them but the nurses here are nice.

I purchased some memory foam the other day, but I can't remember where I put it.

The clocks go back this month, trouble is I can’t remember where I bought mine !

Some people cry when they cut onions.

I, on the other hand, try not to form an emotional bond.

My parking skills are unparalleled.

I’m not crazy or unbalanced, I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

Planning a trip to Australia next year and there's a question asking whether I have a criminal record.
To be honest, I wasn't aware that I still needed one.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

Just got back from a course about reincarnation, $600 for 3 days...a bit pricey I know, but I figured, why not, you only live once...

When I am not near the girl I love, I love the girl I am near!

Just watched my
first porn today.
I was so young
back then.😂

When I die, I would like the word 'Humble'...to be etched on my 17 foot statue...

- What's the best part about Valentine's Day?
- The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

I went to get some camouflage trousers yesterday - couldn't find any.

I'm leaving my body to science when l die that's why I'm preserving it in alcohol.

I'm a leader, not a follower.
Unless its a dark place then fuck that shit - you're going first 😆