Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sister’s room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was...

I said, "The same size as the B!"

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a godfather? An offer you can't understand.

The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw...

My friend was bragging how good his new hearing aid was. I asked him, “What kind is it?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Six thirty.”

How do Dog Catchers get paid?
By the pound.

I'm going to start a dildo repair service when lockdown is over, and I'm going to call it "Inspect Her Gadget"...

I will be available for house calls too!

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

What do you have if you got a cricket ball in the left hand and a cricket ball in the right hand?

A bloody big cricket.

My friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

Went to the zoo yesterday...I saw a loaf in a cage..
I asked a zookeeper why did they put a loaf in a cage?..
Apparently.... It was bread in captivity...

Do you know who really makes me sick?
People who try to stick their fingers down my throat.

What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

them: turn that frown upside down

me: uʍoɹɟ

Never rest on your laurels.

They are uncomfortable, and it damages the foliage.

I think they should put the Discovery channel on a different channel everyday...

My boyfriend accused me of being a stalker.
Well technically he's not my boyfriend yet.

A Guy picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.
It turns out to be a book on chess!

Child : Mom when i was made, did you want a boy or a girl?

Mom: I wanted to tie my shoelaces ...

Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. -The Swiss Army

I once stayed in a Hotel that had such thick towels,
I could barely close my suitcase.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

A word of advice: don't drink while you're wrapping presents. Also, if anyone gets an old TV remote for Christmas, please send it back to me.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off, I went back this morning to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn't there.

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake tupid.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I’ve got a new job in a sportswear factory as ‘Head Gumshield Tester’.

Finally a role I can really get my teeth into...

On a pub bet, I swallowed 106 duck feathers...it's been 5 weeks now and I still feel a little down in the dumps...

Hated my job at the prosthetic testicle factory. It was sham bollock.

I used to date a lovely one armed girl who worked at the local cinema as an usher before she dumped me...

I still carry a torch for her.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good n fun until u realize u r only fucking yourself.

Unpleasant scenes when I told my girlfriend I was going fishing on her birthday.
I opened up a whole can of worms.

Being naked with shoes on feels more naked than being totally naked.

"My mate would love to re-open his shop but there's still too much Red Tape at the moment"
"Sorry to hear that, what does he do?"
"He sells Red Tape"

I'm not impatient. I just patient really fast.

I have an amazing superpower - I can melt ice cubes by staring at them.
It takes me quite a long time though.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

I really have something to say, and I'm going to shout it out from the rooftops!!
"Someone has stolen my ladder!!”

A friend has an excellent nose for wine. It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

Apple=Vitamins
.
Vitamins=Power
.
Power=Work
.
Work=Money
.
Money=Women
.
Women=Sex
.
Sex=Aids
.

Aids=Death

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away…

There are three problem in my life
1) Face
2) 1
3) 2

As a child we were so poor, my parents used to take me to the pet shop and tell me it was a zoo.

I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.

It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.

People who bang on about their phobias really annoy me.... I have a fear of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

If I had to get rid of one part of my body it would be my spine. Sometimes I think it’s holding me back.

I’d like to give you a bit of advice.

Adv.

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

No matter how good the hand soap smells,

Never walk out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.

I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."

I knocked up my ex-girlfriend.

Though I'm being told that's not how I should announce my wife's pregnancy.

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 9 toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.

I walked into the jewellers.
“I’d like to buy a watch please.”
“Analogue?”
“No. Just a watch.”

Entered a strip poker tournament last night.
I played my socks off

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, until mum hid the urn.

I met a Jewish barista the other day...
Hebrew.

I'll never forget my old Grandad coming home from the war with one leg...we never did find out who it belonged to...

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I used to live on a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart...

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig);)

My wife accused me of being a transvestite, I was so outraged .

I packed her things and left.

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door!

I can't stand people who get well known sayings wrong. I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

When she left me due to my Gambling Addiction

😢 All I could think about...

How can I win her back?

I’m attending a gamblers anonymous class tomorrow.
It starts at ten to one!

Wife, No wonder you're in pain,
You've got your shoes on the wrong feet !
Husband, but they're the only feet I have.

I ran over 5 miles today.
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapons?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
1. Murderer
2. The police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?

The opposite of right.

Loneliness is when masturbation lost its fun.

Did y'all know there are more nipples in this world than people 😐.

A local woman has given birth to a 23 pound baby boy...

Doctors reckon he should be walking 6 month’s before she does...

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Answer: Minesweeper
Question: What did Hitler call his housekeeper?

I got kicked out of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous last night.

Apparently the phrase "take a seat" is just a figure of speech.