Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

The Council have told me to take down the electric fence in my garden, because my neighbour is dead against it.

Sam has been in business for 35 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from four miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 35 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some heavy sex,
. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
As long as you are the one with the vagina.

My mate said he met a Prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bollocks
I said, "Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?"

I've been gasping for a fag all day.
Which is one of the problems of being an asthmatic homosexual.

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

"Can I borrow your penguin?"

"What?"

...just another day at the office with my work colleague 'Gwynn'.

"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."..
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo''.
The other cow replies, ''Shut the fuck up you uneducated twat''.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Me: Boss, I can't come in tomorrow cause I have "Anal Blindness".
Boss: WTF is this? Me: It's when I can't see my ass coming to work!

The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day.