Weirdest Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I was so upset when I found out I had been cloned.
I was totally beside myself.

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.
That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

I'm going to go stand outside now.
...so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

The owner of our local ice rink was crying and pulling his hair out. I think he’d had a meltdown

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I'm an optimist.
I didn't lose a sock in the dryer.
I found an extra one!

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

The way I miss sex
I even feel jealous when I put a key in a padlock.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that does not fit any of your containers.

Asked my wife why she married me,she said" Because you're really funny" I said " I thought it was because I was good in bed"? Her reply "see you're hilarious "

You've got to love yourself. But not in public places.

Has anyone tried that new 007 glue?
It Bonds in seconds.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

What do you called a one legged woman?
Eileen.
What do you call a one legged Chinese woman?
Irene.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Some friends of mine won't believe me that I can make cement, they've asked for concrete evidence.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.

"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms

No one will ever look at you the way I do... But that's probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

My love for you burns stronger than any urinary tract infection.

A pirate swaggers into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. One of the bar's patrons walked up to him and said "Pardon me, is that a ship's wheel?" The pirate replied, "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts."

The words "Do Not Touch" must be terrifying to read in Braille...😳

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare ahead and say,"Did you bring the money?"

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?
You Rocket!

Being healthy means dying slowly.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work.

A cat has just given birth in a public park
and has been fined $50 for littering.

Q: Difference between a trombone player and a frog going down the street?
A: Frog is on his way to a gig.

You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.

I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.

If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.

Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping".

Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I'm already on.

Why are most photographers pessimists?
They focus on the negatives.

Sometimes i wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied, "Just pop it in the corner".
4 hours it took me!

So I bought a new refrigerator the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: `Free if you want it, take it'.
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: `For sale £50'.
The next day somebody stole it!

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed"

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get a little cooler. But then I realized, I cant get any cooler.

Bloke go's to doctor for a vasectomy, doctor says "if you have a vasectomy you won't have kids"
Bloke says its okay.
So doctor gives him a vasectomy.
Bloke goes home to find his kids were still there...

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
I’ve said it before.

How do you make pigs fly?

...Swine Flu!

What do you call a deer with no eyes???
Blind!!!!

My tire went flat yesterday. So I went to the bowling alley so I could pick up a spare.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.

By the way I do NOT have an obsession with tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

Why did d Mexican push his wife off the roof??
Tequila.

The cheapest of all meat in the supermarket was deer meat. It was all less than a buck.

I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road.
Just in case they are in the middle of a race.

- Why is that aircraft flying towards the ocean?
- Have a good look, it's plane to sea.

Sang to myself in an elevator once. It was quite uplifting.

A friend of mine isn't much of an organ donor, but he did give a piano to the local charity shop.

Anyone ever eat kangaroo meat??
I can’t.
Makes me jumpy!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday...
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her later...

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

Don't let anyone ruin your day.
You're an adult.
Do it yourself.

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Now that I have my Drivers License, I seem to be more popular than ever, Everytime I go through a red light people honk and wave.

Why are Fireman's Balls bigger than Policeman's Balls?
Cause they sell more tickets.

What is green and white and hops??

Frog sandwich on white bread.

Best sign to put on a badly parked car:
The way you pulled in makes me wish your daddy had pulled out!

How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

Went to my dentist and I told him my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a Brown neck tie.

I don't exercise when I'm sick.
My nose does the running for me.

My wife said if I was half a man I would take the kids to the circus. I said if I was half a man I'd be IN the circus.

Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them ?

Man goes in a bar. Usually just chips n alcohol but now mangoes.

Phone rings
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi this is a courtesy call is your refrigerator running?
Me: No its just chillin.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
Just a buck an ear.

What do hedgehogs say when they hug?
Ouch!

I threw some pills and accidentally broke one of my windows.
I didn't realize they're pane killers.

If being sexy was a crime,
I’d be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..

What do you call a joke that doesn't work?
Dud joke.