Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Most couples have chemistry. But others must have mathematics, because they’re full of problems.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

- Раньше ведь оно как было?
- Как?
- Вот именно!А теперь что?
- Что?
- Вот и я говорю.

I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.
I have never had a beef with them.

—911, ¿cuál es la emergencia?
—El teléfono no es ring ring.
—¿Y su corazón no da ton ton?
—Sí.
—Tal vez ya no es su bombón.

Пожарники — веселый народ. Они едут отмочить там, где кто-то отжег.

Unless you work at a carnival, life will never be fair.

I have the body of a car that has its Check Engine light on at all times.

Seven days without exercise is enough to make one weak.

Unless your name is Dr. Martin Luther King Junior I have no desire to hear about your dream.

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.

La dieta de un vegetariano consiste básicamente en querer llamar la atención.

Why do baby chicks say, "Cheep, cheep, cheep"?
They can't say, "Expensive, expensive, expensive."

Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, Tumblr is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

Most of our problems are because we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.

—Quítese la ropa y acuéstese.
—¡Pero doctor, solo vine por el resultado de los estudios de mi hijo!
—Ese niño ya no sirve. Haremos otro.

Какое самое богатое животное в мире?
Cash a lot.

Me: I don't need to write it down. I'll remember

Narrator: She would not remember. In fact, she immediately forgot what it even was.

As an IT person, I rarely know how to fix your issue… I’m just better at Google than you are.

Сёма, почему Сарочка на тебя дуется?
— Ой вэй, вчера принёс ей платье. Она говорит: "Дурак, это никто не носит".
— Ну и что?
— Сегодня, таки, принёс другое, так она говорит: "Идиёт, это же носят все!"

Any place can be a drive-thru if your brakes don't work.

There’s never a bath and a toaster when you need one.

My favorite part of getting older is waking up with a hangover even though you didn’t drink the night before.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

So happy to be married, I hated all those questions after 1-night stands. Who are you, where am I, why am I tied up?

FUN Fact:
Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day.

Lou Bega has been arrested after human remains were found in a local park.
The Police say they found a little bit of Erica by the Slide.

Chuck Norris once drowned a man on a pool table!

Праздник без водки, что паспорт без фотки.

FUN Fact:
Ice Cream actually makes your body warmer due to the fat content.

Twitter 69 - you retweet me, I'll retweet you.

"Life is a balance between holding on and letting go."
- Rumi

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Бесит, когда ты устал и хочешь прилечь, но ты уже лежишь.

A man walks into a photography shop and asks for a lens cap for a Nikon. The chap behind the counter says "seems like a fair swap to me".

FUN Fact:
When someone gives you advice, respond with "you're right" rather than "I know." You'll come across as being nicer.

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

- Buddha

Me "Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?"
Waiter "we were worried the other birds would drown."

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she found me very attractive. I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.

My last gf talked about her ex so much had me missing that man too.

FUN Fact:
At a restaurant wash your hands after ordering. The menu is generally the dirtiest thing you can touch!

I met a Cactus the other day. He was a prick.

late replies are so attractive like damn u don't give a fuck huh.

I am a professional banjo player. Folks pay me to stop .

Do people who work for Goodyear or Firestone ever re tire?

FUN Fact:
For one moment in time, you were the youngest person in the world.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

FUN Fact:
J.K. Rowling was the first person to ever become a billionaire from writing books.

Why do the French take syrup to their weddings?
Because the Best Man always gives a French Toast!

Don't cry because the weekend is over. Cry because you're ugly.

I made a rocking chair today.
It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

- Шеф, вам что-нибудь принести?
- Принесите мне прибыль!

A man walked into a car dealership.
He said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
Salesman said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
The man replied, “You do now.”

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

I made a pizza with liver. Nobody liked it...
So I had to deliver it.

Don't hate your haters, they already hate themselves.

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

Жизнь дала мне два важных урока. Первый я уже не помню, а второй - всё нужно записывать!

I'm in a great place right now.

Maybe not emotionally, financially, mentally or physically, but there is coffee at this place.

I love that take out means food, dating, and murder...
and all three if you are a praying mantis...

Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
- Ты молока купил?
Муж:
- Молокаку? Не, не пил!

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”

- Plato

My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I am an ICE-CUBE.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly
I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

Here's a science question: If protons have mass, are they Catholic?

Just curious, can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

You can’t make me happy, you’re not the liquor store.

— А вы знаете как поймать тигра в клетку?
— Никак. Тигры бывают только в полоску.

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I just couldnt say hello.
There was just too much history between us.

A farmer brought Photoshop, but couldn't crop..
Afterall it was not his field..

Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

It's a great way to break the ice.

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:

"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"

He said, "Fuck off, get your own wife."