Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Bestow upon me your most bestowable bestowings.

I may be an atheist but I love Jesus jokes. Especially when they nail it.

There is always tomorrow, but not for everyone.

A goldfish has a 10 second memory. Once you’re done being sad and angry about the situation, be a goldfish.

My Wife just called me a greedy pig.

I nearly choked on her dinner.

Knock! Knock!

Coronavirus: Who’s there?

Vaccine : It’s me.

Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!

The real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because of ereptile disfuntion!

"It is not enough to win a war; it is more important to organize the peace."

- Aristotle

If vegetable’s are fertilised using animal manure, does that mean that no one is a real vegan ?

I just yelled, ‘F, YOU GUYS!’ at my students.’ I love being a music teacher.

A Girlfriend is Temporary But an Ex-Girlfriend is for Lifetime..!

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths. "Taylors", Where Tailors What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound.

What do you think of the rectum as a hole ?

Twist and Shout is my favorite song about opening a pickle jar.

The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

I fell in love with two priests, unfortunately I got double crossed.

There are no such thing as Chuck Norris jokes! Only Chuck Norris facts!

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

My ex started a rumour that I don’t know how to play solitaire. Two can play at that game.

Saying -nevermind- because you're too lazy to repeat yourself.

I just hope if I’m ever abducted by aliens they let me bring my dog.

I like my men like I like my toilet seats: warm and just the right size.

The wetness of the toilet seat is my barometer of the day

- Спасиба.
- Через О.
- Спосиба.

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean onе thing... It’s laundry day.

I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

I keep failing the sobriety test. I guess I am not studying hard enough.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Chuck can cut a knife with hot butter.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

My wife got a pedicure and I was left to foot the bill.

Led Zeppelin uses 80% less energy than Incandescent Zeppelin.

The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

I made shoes out of banana peels and ended up with a pair of slippers!

A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He didn't know.

Just got a job at the factory making telescopes.

Things are finally looking up.

Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.

"youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope."

- Aristotle

“Life is too short to learn German”
― Oscar Wilde

Roses are red, Facebook is blue, 0 mutual friends, Who the hell are you?

I remain alert by taking Ballet lessons.
.
It keeps me on my toes.

Monday….Greg, Tuesday…Ian, Wednesday….Greg….. Thursday…..Ian, Friday Greg, Saturday… Ian, Sunday…..Greg…… me using the Gregorian Calendar

I started my new job in a saloon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

She said I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me

Doggy I replied.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.

This fat girl just served me in McDonald's.
She said Sorry about the wait.
I said Don't worry you'll find a way to lose it eventually.

I’m trying to come up with more pee jokes but I’ve lost my flow.

I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

My wife married me because she heard I was well off. After she got to know us she realized my whole family was a little off.

Married sex is like laundry and I’m not doing either this week.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap on your resume.

Me: yes that is when I worked at the invisible ink factory.

Если перевести Casanova на русский то получается Новосельцев.

What happens when polar bears sit on ice cubes?
They get Polaroids.

I just found out AUGGHHH isn’t a real word.

I can’t express how that makes me feel.

January - a giant Monday.

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

After eating escargot I felt very sluggish.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym.
I told him to wear bigger short.

Beer is good but beers are better.

They can’t hurt you, when you no longer care.

Опытная женщина — это женщина, которая умеет притворяться неопытной.

I opened my water and electric bill at the same time, and boy, was I shocked...

Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid? It said twist to open.

These days my circle of friends is more like a dot.

If you think I wear overalls due to laziness, you really have no idea how often I have to pee.

Broke a nail sleeping if you are wondering what a badass I am.

The coolest place I've ever worked at was a ice house.

FUN FACT:
Research has shown that people are happiest at 7:26pm on Saturday evening.

Tomorrow belongs to those who can survive today.

"Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it."

By George Orwell

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

I use to make light bulbs. That job brightened my day.

Did you hear about the tomato that fell in a pot of boiling water? Boy...was he ever stewed!

I heard that the Sylvester Stallone Film Festival got off to a rocky start!

My mate asked me "Who was that lady i seen you with?"
I corrected him "I saw".
He replied "Ok, who was that eyesore i seen you with?"