Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly
I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

Here's a science question: If protons have mass, are they Catholic?

Just curious, can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

You can’t make me happy, you’re not the liquor store.

— А вы знаете как поймать тигра в клетку?
— Никак. Тигры бывают только в полоску.

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I just couldnt say hello.
There was just too much history between us.

A farmer brought Photoshop, but couldn't crop..
Afterall it was not his field..

Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

It's a great way to break the ice.

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:

"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"

He said, "Fuck off, get your own wife."

I've just been to the shortest ever Festival of Cheese.
It was the briefest.

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo.

Sharing is fun, unless its your own stuff.

- Рабинович, от вас несёт перегаром!
- Это от внутреннего выгорания.

I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

I listen to the talk radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

Poetry is the art of saying let’s fuck without saying let’s fuck.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.

"A disciplined mind brings happiness."

- Buddha

FUN Fact:
Neil Armstrong had to fill an immigration form while coming back to the earth from the moon.

I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

I have a PHP joke; but I am afraid that if I "POST" it, you won't "GET" it

NASA hired a claustrophobic astronaut.
.
He just needed a little space.

My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs... again.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

Не понимаю, почему владельцы айфонов так не любят тех, кто с андроидом.
Что вам сделали люди без кредитов?

I keep telling myself to quit drugs.
Like Im going to listen to a drug addict.

I know a massage therapist that kneads new customers.

I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

Q: Where was Noah when the lights went out?
A: In d'ark.

"Your direction is more important than your speed."

FUN fact:
In the Netherlands, workers can be absent for up to two years while receiving 70% of their salary as sick pay.

Fan (?): "I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?"
Author: "Who read it to you?"

Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

I knew a girl named pickles.

I relished her.

Her: That Chevy Spark you're driving is tiny.
Me: I'm compensating.

Overthinking is my kink.

Act like a ninja and wear a black face mask, bitches love ninjas

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

All carpenters matter. Send unsolicited deck pics.

I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

Ambiguity is the motherfucker of intention.

Bestow upon me your most bestowable bestowings.

I may be an atheist but I love Jesus jokes. Especially when they nail it.

There is always tomorrow, but not for everyone.

A goldfish has a 10 second memory. Once you’re done being sad and angry about the situation, be a goldfish.

My Wife just called me a greedy pig.

I nearly choked on her dinner.

Knock! Knock!

Coronavirus: Who’s there?

Vaccine : It’s me.

Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!

The real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because of ereptile disfuntion!

"It is not enough to win a war; it is more important to organize the peace."

- Aristotle

If vegetable’s are fertilised using animal manure, does that mean that no one is a real vegan ?

I just yelled, ‘F, YOU GUYS!’ at my students.’ I love being a music teacher.

A Girlfriend is Temporary But an Ex-Girlfriend is for Lifetime..!

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths. "Taylors", Where Tailors What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound.

What do you think of the rectum as a hole ?

Twist and Shout is my favorite song about opening a pickle jar.

The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

I fell in love with two priests, unfortunately I got double crossed.

There are no such thing as Chuck Norris jokes! Only Chuck Norris facts!

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

My ex started a rumour that I don’t know how to play solitaire. Two can play at that game.

Saying -nevermind- because you're too lazy to repeat yourself.

I just hope if I’m ever abducted by aliens they let me bring my dog.

I like my men like I like my toilet seats: warm and just the right size.

The wetness of the toilet seat is my barometer of the day

- Спасиба.
- Через О.
- Спосиба.

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean onе thing... It’s laundry day.

I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

I keep failing the sobriety test. I guess I am not studying hard enough.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Chuck can cut a knife with hot butter.