Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man walks into a photography shop and asks for a lens cap for a Nikon. The chap behind the counter says "seems like a fair swap to me".

FUN Fact:
When someone gives you advice, respond with "you're right" rather than "I know." You'll come across as being nicer.

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

- Buddha

Me "Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?"
Waiter "we were worried the other birds would drown."

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she found me very attractive. I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.

My last gf talked about her ex so much had me missing that man too.

FUN Fact:
At a restaurant wash your hands after ordering. The menu is generally the dirtiest thing you can touch!

I met a Cactus the other day. He was a prick.

late replies are so attractive like damn u don't give a fuck huh.

I am a professional banjo player. Folks pay me to stop .

Do people who work for Goodyear or Firestone ever re tire?

FUN Fact:
For one moment in time, you were the youngest person in the world.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

FUN Fact:
J.K. Rowling was the first person to ever become a billionaire from writing books.

Why do the French take syrup to their weddings?
Because the Best Man always gives a French Toast!

Don't cry because the weekend is over. Cry because you're ugly.

I made a rocking chair today.
It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

- Шеф, вам что-нибудь принести?
- Принесите мне прибыль!

A man walked into a car dealership.
He said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
Salesman said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
The man replied, “You do now.”

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

I made a pizza with liver. Nobody liked it...
So I had to deliver it.

Don't hate your haters, they already hate themselves.

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

Жизнь дала мне два важных урока. Первый я уже не помню, а второй - всё нужно записывать!

I'm in a great place right now.

Maybe not emotionally, financially, mentally or physically, but there is coffee at this place.

I love that take out means food, dating, and murder...
and all three if you are a praying mantis...

Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
- Ты молока купил?
Муж:
- Молокаку? Не, не пил!

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”

- Plato

My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I am an ICE-CUBE.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly
I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

Here's a science question: If protons have mass, are they Catholic?

Just curious, can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

You can’t make me happy, you’re not the liquor store.

— А вы знаете как поймать тигра в клетку?
— Никак. Тигры бывают только в полоску.

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I just couldnt say hello.
There was just too much history between us.

A farmer brought Photoshop, but couldn't crop..
Afterall it was not his field..

Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

It's a great way to break the ice.

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:

"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"

He said, "Fuck off, get your own wife."

I've just been to the shortest ever Festival of Cheese.
It was the briefest.

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo.

Sharing is fun, unless its your own stuff.

- Рабинович, от вас несёт перегаром!
- Это от внутреннего выгорания.

I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

I listen to the talk radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

Poetry is the art of saying let’s fuck without saying let’s fuck.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.

"A disciplined mind brings happiness."

- Buddha

FUN Fact:
Neil Armstrong had to fill an immigration form while coming back to the earth from the moon.

I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

I have a PHP joke; but I am afraid that if I "POST" it, you won't "GET" it

NASA hired a claustrophobic astronaut.
.
He just needed a little space.

My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs... again.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

Не понимаю, почему владельцы айфонов так не любят тех, кто с андроидом.
Что вам сделали люди без кредитов?

I keep telling myself to quit drugs.
Like Im going to listen to a drug addict.

I know a massage therapist that kneads new customers.

I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

Q: Where was Noah when the lights went out?
A: In d'ark.

"Your direction is more important than your speed."

FUN fact:
In the Netherlands, workers can be absent for up to two years while receiving 70% of their salary as sick pay.

Fan (?): "I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?"
Author: "Who read it to you?"

Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

I knew a girl named pickles.

I relished her.

Her: That Chevy Spark you're driving is tiny.
Me: I'm compensating.

Overthinking is my kink.

Act like a ninja and wear a black face mask, bitches love ninjas

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

All carpenters matter. Send unsolicited deck pics.

I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

Ambiguity is the motherfucker of intention.