Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

- Seneca

I heard my son say his first words to me today...
Where have you been in the past 20 years?

I'd tell you a joke about a cloud but it would be over your head.

Чаще других в полицию попадают полицейские.

My lawyer: Objection! My client has chosen to exercise his fifth amendment rights and therefore does not have to answer your question

Barista: Does he want the caramel macchiato or not?

Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

Me: Yes. I hate fish

D: No. That’s herring

Me: What?

I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.

Never rest on your laurels. They are uncomfortable and it damages the foliage.

Ran into a realtor friend of mine and asked her, "House it going?"

Today accidentally I put a tea bag and a spoon full of coffee into the same cup .
Ended up with Toffee.

I fired myself from cleaning my house! I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!

In a world of constipation, be a laxative.

My wife always satisfies me during sex by not being there.

Most women are single today because they are looking for Husbank not Husband.

People aren't getting dumber. Dumb people are getting louder.

Kill them with kindness.

Bitterness will hurt you more than it will them.

I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

Fuck flowers! Buy her batteries, they last longer.

You always have a choice. You don't always make the right one.

Ladies don't insult your husbands choices ...you're one of them.

Guys don't feel good about your choices... She is one of them.

Поздравляем, вы приняты в тайный орден массового нытья.

— Зачем? Я не хочу!..

— Неплохое начало!

Если долго пучиться, что-нибудь получится.

Novac Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a grand slam tournament after missing only two shots.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
- Thomas A. Edison

Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter instead.

It's only real French bread if it's from France otherwise it's Sham Pain

Relationships nowdays: 1 Male, 1 Female, 1 Ex trying to mess it up & 1 friend secretly hoping it ends.

I once went on a 2 month holiday in the South of France.

It was just Toulon.

Never belittle yourself to fit in with the crowd.

If you're out of motivation: do it for spite.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Ask me to prove I’m not a bot again and I’ll send you a dick pic.

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."

- Carl Jung

FBI: We need to update our facial recognition files.

FB: Okay, we'll start a 10 year challenge ASAP!

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class!

Great Eggspectations. A classic novel by Charles Chickens.

FUN Fact:
Drinking a banana milkshake can help cure a hangover.

Just because i'm strong enough to handle pain, doesn’t mean i deserve it.

Your vulnerability makes you brave in a world of false armor.

Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don't care, but because they don't.

Why are there no ants in the Arctic circle?

Because they're all in the ant Arctic circle.

Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was programmed to do it.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Relationship status? Sleeping like a starfish in the middle of a king size bed.

No one is too busy, it's only a matter of priorities.

At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me: “That’s not true! I do enjoy sex!”

Then, turning to the counsellor, she said: “But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

Take yourself off the list of people who have disappointed you.

I don’t need your opinions, I already don’t know what to do with mine.

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?

By it's bark.

My Grandma was 80% Irish

People called her Iris.

Now I’m not saying that my wife is fat, but when she took a flight last week, she had to book two seats.

And they were both window seats.

Behind every carefully written grocery list is a confused husband.

My vacation this year is to go to Puerto Backyarta.

"You're so vain, you probably think vascular studies is about you."

— Соломон Яковлевич, а Вы уверены, шо все Ваши виллы,
квартиры, машины приобретены на честно заработанные деньги?
— Почему нет, когда да?
— А вот мне кажется, шо всё куплено на народные деньги!
— Да Вы шо, таки смеётесь? Откуда у народа такие деньги?!

I'm in love with a hitchhiker. It's thumb thing in the way she moves.

Them: I haven't seen you in years!

Me: Yeah, that was intentional.

There's no sense eating salad and veggies and stuff when your wife isn't with you. She wouldn't believe it anyway.

My ex-girlfriend's so lazy, she won't even use her whole hand when she waves at me in the street.
She just uses her middle finger.

Recycling is all of the cycling I am doing right now.

'Pardon' is the only French word I know. For that, I can only apologise.

I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but... I decided to sit on it for a while.

You can’t force people to like you, but you sure can stop giving a fuck about it.

Дурная голова трусам покоя не даёт.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a sparrow?

Broken power lines.

Scrabble? I hate that game so much....... I can't put it into words

Standing before his congregation, the pastor told them, “I wear the same clothes every week because I am a preacher of habit”

I've just learned that if my wife tells me that I am right,it's called "Sarcasm"!!!

I named your vagina "Astrophysics" because I don't get it.

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

Perfume is short for “pay per fume,” that’s why that shit is so expensive.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens

Exorcist: You definitely have a poltergeist

Procrastination is like masturbation... sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself.

FUN Fact:
It's illegal to own 6 or more dildos in Texas.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.

Why did the cow get in the rocket? To go to the mooooon....

The girl next door eloped with her boyfriend. On their way to the wedding, they saw some antelope. On their way home, they saw some postelope.

"No one can construct for you the bridge upon which precisely you must cross the stream of life, on one but you yourself alone."

- Friedrich Nietzsche