Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

My wife got a pedicure and I was left to foot the bill.

Led Zeppelin uses 80% less energy than Incandescent Zeppelin.

The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

I made shoes out of banana peels and ended up with a pair of slippers!

A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He didn't know.

Just got a job at the factory making telescopes.

Things are finally looking up.

Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.

"youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope."

- Aristotle

“Life is too short to learn German”
― Oscar Wilde

Roses are red, Facebook is blue, 0 mutual friends, Who the hell are you?

I remain alert by taking Ballet lessons.
.
It keeps me on my toes.

Monday….Greg, Tuesday…Ian, Wednesday….Greg….. Thursday…..Ian, Friday Greg, Saturday… Ian, Sunday…..Greg…… me using the Gregorian Calendar

I started my new job in a saloon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

She said I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me

Doggy I replied.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.

This fat girl just served me in McDonald's.
She said Sorry about the wait.
I said Don't worry you'll find a way to lose it eventually.

I’m trying to come up with more pee jokes but I’ve lost my flow.

I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

My wife married me because she heard I was well off. After she got to know us she realized my whole family was a little off.

Married sex is like laundry and I’m not doing either this week.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap on your resume.

Me: yes that is when I worked at the invisible ink factory.

Если перевести Casanova на русский то получается Новосельцев.

What happens when polar bears sit on ice cubes?
They get Polaroids.

I just found out AUGGHHH isn’t a real word.

I can’t express how that makes me feel.

January - a giant Monday.

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

After eating escargot I felt very sluggish.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym.
I told him to wear bigger short.

Beer is good but beers are better.

They can’t hurt you, when you no longer care.

Опытная женщина — это женщина, которая умеет притворяться неопытной.

I opened my water and electric bill at the same time, and boy, was I shocked...

Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid? It said twist to open.

These days my circle of friends is more like a dot.

If you think I wear overalls due to laziness, you really have no idea how often I have to pee.

Broke a nail sleeping if you are wondering what a badass I am.

The coolest place I've ever worked at was a ice house.

FUN FACT:
Research has shown that people are happiest at 7:26pm on Saturday evening.

Tomorrow belongs to those who can survive today.

"Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it."

By George Orwell

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

I use to make light bulbs. That job brightened my day.

Did you hear about the tomato that fell in a pot of boiling water? Boy...was he ever stewed!

I heard that the Sylvester Stallone Film Festival got off to a rocky start!

My mate asked me "Who was that lady i seen you with?"
I corrected him "I saw".
He replied "Ok, who was that eyesore i seen you with?"

"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

- Seneca

I heard my son say his first words to me today...
Where have you been in the past 20 years?

I'd tell you a joke about a cloud but it would be over your head.

Чаще других в полицию попадают полицейские.

My lawyer: Objection! My client has chosen to exercise his fifth amendment rights and therefore does not have to answer your question

Barista: Does he want the caramel macchiato or not?

Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

Me: Yes. I hate fish

D: No. That’s herring

Me: What?

I work in a tape factory. I want to quit but my boss won't let me. I guess I'm stuck here.

Never rest on your laurels. They are uncomfortable and it damages the foliage.

Ran into a realtor friend of mine and asked her, "House it going?"

Today accidentally I put a tea bag and a spoon full of coffee into the same cup .
Ended up with Toffee.

I fired myself from cleaning my house! I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!

In a world of constipation, be a laxative.

My wife always satisfies me during sex by not being there.

Most women are single today because they are looking for Husbank not Husband.

People aren't getting dumber. Dumb people are getting louder.

Kill them with kindness.

Bitterness will hurt you more than it will them.

I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

Fuck flowers! Buy her batteries, they last longer.

You always have a choice. You don't always make the right one.

Ladies don't insult your husbands choices ...you're one of them.

Guys don't feel good about your choices... She is one of them.

Поздравляем, вы приняты в тайный орден массового нытья.

— Зачем? Я не хочу!..

— Неплохое начало!

Если долго пучиться, что-нибудь получится.

Novac Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a grand slam tournament after missing only two shots.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
- Thomas A. Edison

Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter instead.

It's only real French bread if it's from France otherwise it's Sham Pain

Relationships nowdays: 1 Male, 1 Female, 1 Ex trying to mess it up & 1 friend secretly hoping it ends.

I once went on a 2 month holiday in the South of France.

It was just Toulon.

Never belittle yourself to fit in with the crowd.

If you're out of motivation: do it for spite.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.