Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Ask me to prove I’m not a bot again and I’ll send you a dick pic.

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."

- Carl Jung

FBI: We need to update our facial recognition files.

FB: Okay, we'll start a 10 year challenge ASAP!

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class!

Great Eggspectations. A classic novel by Charles Chickens.

FUN Fact:
Drinking a banana milkshake can help cure a hangover.

Just because i'm strong enough to handle pain, doesn’t mean i deserve it.

Your vulnerability makes you brave in a world of false armor.

Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don't care, but because they don't.

Why are there no ants in the Arctic circle?

Because they're all in the ant Arctic circle.

Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was programmed to do it.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Relationship status? Sleeping like a starfish in the middle of a king size bed.

No one is too busy, it's only a matter of priorities.

At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me: “That’s not true! I do enjoy sex!”

Then, turning to the counsellor, she said: “But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

Take yourself off the list of people who have disappointed you.

I don’t need your opinions, I already don’t know what to do with mine.

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?

By it's bark.

My Grandma was 80% Irish

People called her Iris.

Now I’m not saying that my wife is fat, but when she took a flight last week, she had to book two seats.

And they were both window seats.

Behind every carefully written grocery list is a confused husband.

My vacation this year is to go to Puerto Backyarta.

"You're so vain, you probably think vascular studies is about you."

— Соломон Яковлевич, а Вы уверены, шо все Ваши виллы,
квартиры, машины приобретены на честно заработанные деньги?
— Почему нет, когда да?
— А вот мне кажется, шо всё куплено на народные деньги!
— Да Вы шо, таки смеётесь? Откуда у народа такие деньги?!

I'm in love with a hitchhiker. It's thumb thing in the way she moves.

Them: I haven't seen you in years!

Me: Yeah, that was intentional.

There's no sense eating salad and veggies and stuff when your wife isn't with you. She wouldn't believe it anyway.

My ex-girlfriend's so lazy, she won't even use her whole hand when she waves at me in the street.
She just uses her middle finger.

Recycling is all of the cycling I am doing right now.

'Pardon' is the only French word I know. For that, I can only apologise.

I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but... I decided to sit on it for a while.

You can’t force people to like you, but you sure can stop giving a fuck about it.

Дурная голова трусам покоя не даёт.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a sparrow?

Broken power lines.

Scrabble? I hate that game so much....... I can't put it into words

Standing before his congregation, the pastor told them, “I wear the same clothes every week because I am a preacher of habit”

I've just learned that if my wife tells me that I am right,it's called "Sarcasm"!!!

I named your vagina "Astrophysics" because I don't get it.

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

Perfume is short for “pay per fume,” that’s why that shit is so expensive.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens

Exorcist: You definitely have a poltergeist

Procrastination is like masturbation... sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself.

FUN Fact:
It's illegal to own 6 or more dildos in Texas.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.

Why did the cow get in the rocket? To go to the mooooon....

The girl next door eloped with her boyfriend. On their way to the wedding, they saw some antelope. On their way home, they saw some postelope.

"No one can construct for you the bridge upon which precisely you must cross the stream of life, on one but you yourself alone."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

My gay mate was really embarrassed after I caught him sucking a dildo.

I think he’s put it behind him now.

When you start loving yourself, the universe has this cool way of removing those who don't.

His wife gave him an ultimatum. It was either her or his addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

The Golden Rule of Habit Change: You can't extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it.

My wife just rang me this morning. She said,
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 5 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."

Having pizza for dinner tonight. I told them to cut it into six pieces, because I don’t think I can eat eight.

Guys….
y=mx+b jokes are great but at some point we’ll have to draw the line.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

Nobody does the edgy sex goddess act better than bored housewives on the internet.

Dragon milk comes from cows with short legs.

I had my toothbrush stolen today.
The thief said ‘Hand it over, Oral-B mad’

Me: You ever feel like you’re part of one big, cosmic joke?
Chicken: *crosses road to get away from me*

Just worked out that a megaphone is one million million microphones.

Men are the weaker sex.
They have no boobs to flaunt.

I'm so broke I have to fart to have a scent in my pocket!

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."

Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn't actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait.

Age is just a number… of body parts with aches.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning.

I had a scary joke about math but Im 2² to say it.

My boss offered to allow me to work from home but I’m not remotely interested.

Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night...

Didn't finish it...

Got up to P.

As a kid I was so unathletic the only thing I could catch was a cold.

Just went for a dental cleaning that was excessively painful and torturous.

They played country music in the background.

FUN Fact:
Some penguins are prostitutes – Offering sex in exchange for pebbles.

I've been social distancing before it was a thing.

I need to control my anger I nearly reported my girlfriend to my wife today.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

My imaginary friends are arguing over who has to sit by me.

Zip your fly please, we can see your brain.

I wanted to get together a group of people to synchronize all our clocks and watches, but we couldn't agree on a time.