Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My gay mate was really embarrassed after I caught him sucking a dildo.

I think he’s put it behind him now.

When you start loving yourself, the universe has this cool way of removing those who don't.

His wife gave him an ultimatum. It was either her or his addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

The Golden Rule of Habit Change: You can't extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it.

My wife just rang me this morning. She said,
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 5 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."

Having pizza for dinner tonight. I told them to cut it into six pieces, because I don’t think I can eat eight.

Guys….
y=mx+b jokes are great but at some point we’ll have to draw the line.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

Nobody does the edgy sex goddess act better than bored housewives on the internet.

Dragon milk comes from cows with short legs.

I had my toothbrush stolen today.
The thief said ‘Hand it over, Oral-B mad’

Me: You ever feel like you’re part of one big, cosmic joke?
Chicken: *crosses road to get away from me*

Just worked out that a megaphone is one million million microphones.

Men are the weaker sex.
They have no boobs to flaunt.

I'm so broke I have to fart to have a scent in my pocket!

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."

Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn't actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait.

Age is just a number… of body parts with aches.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning.

I had a scary joke about math but Im 2² to say it.

My boss offered to allow me to work from home but I’m not remotely interested.

Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night...

Didn't finish it...

Got up to P.

As a kid I was so unathletic the only thing I could catch was a cold.

Just went for a dental cleaning that was excessively painful and torturous.

They played country music in the background.

FUN Fact:
Some penguins are prostitutes – Offering sex in exchange for pebbles.

I've been social distancing before it was a thing.

I need to control my anger I nearly reported my girlfriend to my wife today.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

My imaginary friends are arguing over who has to sit by me.

Zip your fly please, we can see your brain.

I wanted to get together a group of people to synchronize all our clocks and watches, but we couldn't agree on a time.

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from them and have their shoes.

The Jaws theme scares me because I'm afraid I'm going to hear Baby Shark.

"They can’t hurt you unless you let them."

- John C. Maxwell

Q:Why are dragons such good story tellers?
A:They have very impressive tails.

— Мы не можем взять Вас на работу в нашу фирму, поскольку Вы мыслите несовременно. Но лапти у Вас красивые.

I'm organising an erectile dysfunction party...let me know if you can't come.

What idiot called it the drinks aisle in the supermarket and not the alcho-hall?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The older I get, the more I understand pandas.

I don't do a great dog impression, but I can do a ruff approximation.

Who is the most famous footwear philosopher? Sockrates.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done!

I was going to play the lottery, but then my ex messaged and reminded me that I suck at picking winners.

I'm having some hot sex today.
And by sex I mean coffee....
It's still hot.

"Can you multitask?"
Yeah I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

FUN Fact:
Hot water is more likely to break thick glass than thin glass. That's why test tubes are made of thin glass.

Hey, where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? … To the owlet malls.

Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't care.

When asked about my personal beliefs, I usually say that I believe in quantum physics, but I am uncertain.

Coffee just tastes better when everyone finally leave you alone.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

My brother said he wants a job in a chocolate factory but has no experience. I told him "Just fudge it".

For Plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

When I asked the plastic surgeon to make my face more symmetrical I was really hoping for vertically.

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

Education doesn't cure stupidity. It often enhances it, by arming with confidence, social status and diploma.

FUN Fact:
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.

The key to a successful marriage lies in redefining “successful.” And “marriage.” Possibly even “a.”

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting there doing nothing.

The good news is my new years weight loss plans are going great, the bad news is cocaine is expensive.

A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “31”
Police officer: “occupation?”
German: “No, no. Just visiting”

Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake.

You’d think anti aging creams would use bigger fonts.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

New year same me because I’m perfect.

The mystery of the clit...have you fingered it out yet?

"There are no facts, only interpretations."

- Nietzsche

Used to think you were a pain in the neck.

My opinion of you has dropped significantly!

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?

Housekeeping Tip: it’s your pet’s house. Just give up.

FUN Fact:
In 2013, a man bought a house next to his ex-wife just to install a giant middle finger statue for her to see every day.

Maturity is accepting the fact that some people are just shitty humans and to avoid them.

People get fake when shit gets real.

Why did the hipster throw away his math book?
He found it too derivative.

As Transformers get old, they first turn into golf carts and then motorized adult scooters.

I hate when people think they know more than me… and then they do.

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.