Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Reading 1book/week will only make you a speed reader and a master procastinator.

Stop it.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer.

Establish dominance by threatening to add their @ to your bio.

—Hijo, ¿Me puedes explicar por qué todas las cosas de tu cuarto están en el piso?

—Claro Mamá, se le conoce como: "La ley de gravedad".

If you suspect someone is following you, take four right turns. If they're still behind you, they're following you.

Being poor is not bad. You know what's bad?
Acting like a rich one.

Have u ever wondered why India don't participate in world cup? Because Fifa can't accept 10min singing & dancing after every goal.

"As you start to walk on the way, the way appears."

- Rumi

The correct way to spell "hats" is HATS because it's all caps.

Taking nothing personal is self-care.

Party instructions: Walk in, eat as much as you can, walk out.

All bad girls come home sooner or later and I’m on my way home.

FUN Fact:
A male ladybird can spend up to four hours mating with a dead female before realizing they are dead.

My career plan is to become a great wit.
I am already 50% of the way there.

FUN Fact:
Will Smith, Nicolas Cage, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, and Leonardo DiCaprio were all offered the part of Neo in The Matrix before Keanu Reeves.

Someone threw a sodium compound at me. I think it was a salt.

Psychology says, Keep it private until it’s permanent.

FUN Fact:
Bae is a Danish word for poop.

I was listening to The News on the radio the other day.
They've completely changed their sound since Huey Lewis left.

FUN Fact:
A new study found that overall, Android users are more honest than iPhone users.

Just finished reading a book on sexual disorders, It had a surprising Climax.

Benjamin Button's favourite group is Men 2 Boyz.

My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
I’d never seen him be 4.

Welcome to the Assumption Club.
I think we all know why we are here.

Stan works in a paper factory, where his responsibilities are twofold.

Why is there flea shampoo? Fleas don't have hair.

What do conspiracy theorists and Excel have in common?

They spreadsheet.

Beauty is only skin deep.
Thank goodness I’m thick skinned

When it comes to big boobs or small boobs, men prefer blowjobs.

Friend: My goal is to finish two marathons next year!

Me: My goal is to finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

You have the arrogance of a much more handsome woman.

I gonna get a female dog

I'm naming her Karma...

"Happiness is just results minus expectations."

Saw a meteor shower. Apologized to it for invading its privacy.

I was invited to join an off-beat religious sect, but I was concerned that changing my mind about it later could be a bit diffi-cult.

Left my job as a Dressmaker as things were not as they seamed.

I like reading books with female protagonists. I’m a heroine addict.

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

I have a water joke but it is completely tasteless. You won't get it if you have dry humor...

Heaven is for those who wanna die.

Psychology says, You become unstoppable when you realize that you can do it alone.

My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter,
but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.

SpongeBob SquarePants realised he’d reached adolescence when he found his first cubic hair.

— Где у мужчин точка G ?
— Gлудок.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday...
it caused severe pain...
to ma toes

Ruin your teen's day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

0 cannot be nothing cos 0 is 1.

FUN Fact:
The Japanese passenger who survived the titanic crash was marked as a coward by his country for not dying with the other passengers.

What does ET stand for? Because someone took his sofa.

TVs are like “am I the only one that keeps my resolution”

- Моня, шо ты такой грустный?
- Эх, Ёся... Скоро весна, и так хочется влюбиться...
- Так в чём же дело?
- Жена и тёща против!

There is a hidden go fuck yourself in every it is what it is.

I just wish my metabolism ran as fast as my anxiety.

Do I want a boyfriend or do I just want someone around to brush the snow off my car?

Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

Boss: Happy to be back to work?

Me: This feels like a trap.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

Яша Рабинович так радовался, что ему добавили зарплату, что не сдержался и рассказал жене.

"One cannot step twice in the same river"

– Heraclitus

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Me: Do you think that in some alternate universe Legos step on people?
Therapist: Let's talk about what happened to you as a child.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car, then I ignored her all day for no reason.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the -escape- key.

- Что явилось причиной вашего развода?
- Ложь!
- Объясните!
- Я прихожу с продуктами, а она мне: «Ложь их на стол!»

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

" Never reply when you are angry.
Never make a promise when you are happy.
Never make a decision when you are sad..."

I drove my wife to the airport and dropped her off.

She got home 30 minutes later in a taxi and said, "What was that about?"

" A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret...."

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

Hey boy, are you a screen door?

Because I can’t stop thinking about banging you.

"Saving is the gap between your ego and your income."

My buddies and I are opening a chiropractor business.
We're calling it the Back Straight Boys.

I felt like I was on the voice today!

I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over, still can't fly.

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and I almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

Chuck Norris can talk to liberals and they actually listen. Then they apologise.

2013: Didn't Jog
2014: Didn't Jog
2015: Didn't Jog
2016: Didn't Jog
2018: Didn't Jog
2019: Didn't Jog
2020: Didn't Jog
2021: Didn't Jog
2022: Still haven't jogged...
This is a running joke

You're getting so old the site you use to meet people is called "Carbon Dating.!!"

The difference between France’s bacon and Frances Bacon? One comes from belly pork, the other from the belle epoque.