Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You have the arrogance of a much more handsome woman.

I gonna get a female dog

I'm naming her Karma...

"Happiness is just results minus expectations."

Saw a meteor shower. Apologized to it for invading its privacy.

I was invited to join an off-beat religious sect, but I was concerned that changing my mind about it later could be a bit diffi-cult.

Left my job as a Dressmaker as things were not as they seamed.

I like reading books with female protagonists. I’m a heroine addict.

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

I have a water joke but it is completely tasteless. You won't get it if you have dry humor...

Heaven is for those who wanna die.

Psychology says, You become unstoppable when you realize that you can do it alone.

My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter,
but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.

SpongeBob SquarePants realised he’d reached adolescence when he found his first cubic hair.

— Где у мужчин точка G ?
— Gлудок.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday...
it caused severe pain...
to ma toes

Ruin your teen's day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

0 cannot be nothing cos 0 is 1.

FUN Fact:
The Japanese passenger who survived the titanic crash was marked as a coward by his country for not dying with the other passengers.

What does ET stand for? Because someone took his sofa.

TVs are like “am I the only one that keeps my resolution”

- Моня, шо ты такой грустный?
- Эх, Ёся... Скоро весна, и так хочется влюбиться...
- Так в чём же дело?
- Жена и тёща против!

There is a hidden go fuck yourself in every it is what it is.

I just wish my metabolism ran as fast as my anxiety.

Do I want a boyfriend or do I just want someone around to brush the snow off my car?

Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

Boss: Happy to be back to work?

Me: This feels like a trap.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

Яша Рабинович так радовался, что ему добавили зарплату, что не сдержался и рассказал жене.

"One cannot step twice in the same river"

– Heraclitus

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Me: Do you think that in some alternate universe Legos step on people?
Therapist: Let's talk about what happened to you as a child.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car, then I ignored her all day for no reason.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the -escape- key.

- Что явилось причиной вашего развода?
- Ложь!
- Объясните!
- Я прихожу с продуктами, а она мне: «Ложь их на стол!»

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

" Never reply when you are angry.
Never make a promise when you are happy.
Never make a decision when you are sad..."

I drove my wife to the airport and dropped her off.

She got home 30 minutes later in a taxi and said, "What was that about?"

" A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret...."

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

Hey boy, are you a screen door?

Because I can’t stop thinking about banging you.

"Saving is the gap between your ego and your income."

My buddies and I are opening a chiropractor business.
We're calling it the Back Straight Boys.

I felt like I was on the voice today!

I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over, still can't fly.

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and I almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

Chuck Norris can talk to liberals and they actually listen. Then they apologise.

2013: Didn't Jog
2014: Didn't Jog
2015: Didn't Jog
2016: Didn't Jog
2018: Didn't Jog
2019: Didn't Jog
2020: Didn't Jog
2021: Didn't Jog
2022: Still haven't jogged...
This is a running joke

You're getting so old the site you use to meet people is called "Carbon Dating.!!"

The difference between France’s bacon and Frances Bacon? One comes from belly pork, the other from the belle epoque.

Oh,you liked the book better than the movie? You know what I liked about the movie, No reading!

Típico :
–¿Mamá?
–¿Qué?
–Te amo
–¡YA TE DIJE QUE NO TENGO DINERO!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Unspoken Rule: if you go to the kitchen for a snack, bring back enough to share.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.

I'm going to re-wire my house in 2022.
That's my current plan.

"I hate working from home today!"
-- George, 47, fireman

Bit nervous about my maths exam. Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

FUN Fact:
New York is the most destroyed city in movie history.

I saw someone holding a pair of boots to his ears. Apparently he was listening to sole music.

I doubt Vodka is the answer.

Its worth a shot though.

Officer to drunk Guy : -How high are you?
- Drunk guy: No officer, its -Hi, How are you?

Offering someone food but secretly hoping they don't want it.

Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then!

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

"The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."
- Voltaire

To err is human, but to blame it on someone else shows managerial potential!

Of all the lies I tell, -I was joking!- is my personal favorite.

s,ɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN

- New Year's Revolution

I have to admit that I've been hiding from exercise.!
Yes,I'm in the fitness protection programme.

Someone- When are you going to fall in love?

Me - I can't even fall asleep.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

What adds up when a Swedish singing group swears?
Abba cuss.

If anyone needs a New Year’s resolution, I can loan you one from the long list my wife gave me.

A doughnut is just a bagel that fucks.

Sometimes Get Suitcase,Go To The Airport,Get Pictures And Go Back Home 🙄 Just To Confuse Your Enemies.🙆‍♂️

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.
- Jeannette Walls

"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you."

- Rumi