Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Oh,you liked the book better than the movie? You know what I liked about the movie, No reading!

Típico :
–¿Mamá?
–¿Qué?
–Te amo
–¡YA TE DIJE QUE NO TENGO DINERO!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Unspoken Rule: if you go to the kitchen for a snack, bring back enough to share.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.

I'm going to re-wire my house in 2022.
That's my current plan.

"I hate working from home today!"
-- George, 47, fireman

Bit nervous about my maths exam. Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

FUN Fact:
New York is the most destroyed city in movie history.

I saw someone holding a pair of boots to his ears. Apparently he was listening to sole music.

I doubt Vodka is the answer.

Its worth a shot though.

Officer to drunk Guy : -How high are you?
- Drunk guy: No officer, its -Hi, How are you?

Offering someone food but secretly hoping they don't want it.

Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then!

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

"The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."
- Voltaire

To err is human, but to blame it on someone else shows managerial potential!

Of all the lies I tell, -I was joking!- is my personal favorite.

s,ɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN

- New Year's Revolution

I have to admit that I've been hiding from exercise.!
Yes,I'm in the fitness protection programme.

Someone- When are you going to fall in love?

Me - I can't even fall asleep.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

What adds up when a Swedish singing group swears?
Abba cuss.

If anyone needs a New Year’s resolution, I can loan you one from the long list my wife gave me.

A doughnut is just a bagel that fucks.

Sometimes Get Suitcase,Go To The Airport,Get Pictures And Go Back Home 🙄 Just To Confuse Your Enemies.🙆‍♂️

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.
- Jeannette Walls

"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you."

- Rumi

I consider myself an art and history buff...

I just Louvre museums!!

How much does a Mustang cost?
More than you can af-Ford.

FUN Fact:
It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them.

FUN Fact:
There is no single food that provides all the nutrients that humans need, except for breast milk.

FUN Fact:
You should delete your browser cookies before buying airline tickets - Ticket fares go up when you’ve visited a site multiple times.

I was about to cancel my New Year’s Eve plans when I remembered that I didn’t have any.

Being old on New Year’s Eve:

“Alexa set an alarm for 11:59 PM.”

No one will ask about your degree when you arrive in a Ferrari.

My boss: You’re essential.

My pay check: No you’re not.

I think, therefore I self sabotage.

New year, new you. Join the Witness Protection Program.

If they say they’re over it, they’re not over it.

Опьянённые властью опохмеляются кровью.
Виктор Шендерович

I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend..
He said, I like it well done.
I said, Thanks, that means a lot.

My new year’s resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant.
Roll on 2022.

I have a friend called Jay.

We call him J for short.

FUN Fact:
Science says that each glass of water you drink contains at least one molecule of water that has once passed through the digestive system of a dinosaur.

FUN Fact:
Pirates wore eye patches to have one eye adjusted for the top deck and the other already adjusted for the darkness when going below deck.

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

FUN Fact:
Unfaithful men have lower IQs according to a scientific study.

FUN Fact:
When you blush, and your face turns red, so does the inside of your stomach.

— А я вчера мимо цирка проходил, меня клоуны выебали...
— Серьезно?
— Нет, блин, с шуточками.

I have a very sensitive dentist. He's really in touch with his fillings.

The pottery scene from Ghost but it’s just us making guacamole.

FUN Fact:
Without your pinky finger, you would lose 50% of your hand strength.

I only drink alcohol for medical reasons - because I'm sick of being sober.

Do never date a girl who doesn't respect ur wife.

So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

Philadelphia is ph balanced: one ph in each half.

Good bacon can change your life, and all bacon is good bacon.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Live every day like it's your last.

Always leave your family upset and in tears.

- ¿Qué película miras?
-Asesinos en serie
- ¿Y de qué se trata?
-De una mariposa que no encuentra a su madre.

If you do tomorrow what you did today, you will get tomorrow what you got today.
- Benjamin Franklin

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

I can count the number of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand.

Its 13.

Visits always give pleasure – if not the arrival, the departure.
- Portuguese Proverb.

My cat is so happy that I invested in stocks on his behalf. And believe me, the feline is mutual!

Мужик приходит в ресторан и говорит официанту:
- Графин водочки, и что-нибудь на ваш вкус.
Официант:
- Так и запишем - два графина водочки.

Remember to poop before midnight
tomorrow.

You don't want to be carrying the
same shit into the New year.

I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room for New Years Eve.

To be honest,

I might not even go.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Psychology says, In many situations, the smartest thing to do is to not react.

Be nice to everyone. Be friends with a few. Trust one person: yourself.

What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

“Doctor, Doctor, please help! I’m getting married soon and I can’t get over my fear of wedding vows... do you know of a cure?”

“I can’t say I do”

“Not you as well!”