Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies?
He becomes Jason Nomoa.

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

- Mark Twain

My local football team have lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I bought an Oasis GPS and now... ...all the roads I have to drive are winding.

Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little.

The availability of money is not as important as the absence of debts.

I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Первое свидание.
Он: Какой я у нее?
Она: Какой он у него?

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

There was always one Thing that annoyed me about the Adams family.

You become dangerous if you can do it alone.

Не важно в какой ты жопе!
Важно, чтобы в твоей не было никого!

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve? Blackmail.

My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.

I bought a grenade today from a pawn shop.
Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

My son told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. -Guess you're not very good at it.

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
- Marcus Aurelius

FUN fact:
Pluto didn't even complete one revolution around the sun between its discovery and its declassification as a planet.

I went to a record shop and asked, “have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush”.

Just picked up a copy of 'Psychoanalysis for Dummies' :
it was shrink-wrapped.

If there's one software you used the most but didn't pay for, what was it and why is it Winrar?

I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said: Theyre in the fruit aisle next to the bananas.

FUN FACT!
The entrance to the Hogwarts gym is called 'The Dumbbell Door'

My problem most days is my fucks run out before the hours do.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

My pandemic laundry is 75% pajamas and 25% running clothes that I wear as pajamas.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

- Oscar Wilde

Bob thought it wise for he and Marsha to move to Greenwich, England. In the Mean Time,...

My wife said I'm the worst whistler ever.

Or was it listener?

People call me self centered.

But that's enough about them.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.
Which sucks because he had a great fall.

If missiles are so accurate why aren’t they called Hittiles ?

Эгоист живёт долго и счастливо. И умирает в один день с самим собой.

If you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent/food bills for several years – whether or not you get caught.

The box said 'Requires Windows 10 or better'.

So I installed Linux.

- Скинь свое фото в трусах.
- Погоди, сейчас трусы надену.

-Кто там?
-Галиматья!
-Кто?
-Гали, жены твоей, мать

It's very rare that I hope my wife has farted.
But I'm praying that smell coming from the kitchen isn't
my fucking dinner.

Once you feel avoided by someone, NEVER disturb them again.

— Дайте мне точку опоры. И я скажу тост.

My bike has a flat. I guess I'll have to retire it.

I tried to cancel my membership to The Bondage Club.
Legally I couldn't, my hands were tied.

I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I had hoped adulthood would have involved more anal probes by aliens and a lot fewer by medical doctors.

Be the role model you needed when you were younger.

Bumped into the chap who sold me a miniature globe for Christmas yesterday...

It's a small world..

I used to have a girlfriend whose safe word during sex was "flower," but she kept saying "flour."

I have a very fine job at the flour factory, working second sift.

I asked the librarian if she could direct me to the self-help section.

She said she could... but that would defeat the purpose...

My middle finger is used when words aren't enough for people to understand that they're annoying.

Reading this fabulous book called “The Irish Dentist” by Perry O’Donnel. Forward by Ginger Vitis.

I got fired from the symphony orchestra. I find it quite disconcerting.

- Дорогая, что тебе подарить на Новый Год?
- Ой милый, ну я прям не знаю...
- Хорошо, даю тебе год на размышления...

My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

Ask the butcher if he had sheep's head. He said it was just the way he combed his hair.

I don't believe in chain letters, but I will occasionally send a link.

Locks just turn doors into walls.

Our love is like magic.
It's not real.

Hot chocolate is just regular chocolate that works out.

Давая деньги в долг, ты покупаешь чужие проблемы.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Honey is the tastiest insect vomit I have tasted so far.

I'm working on a potentially funny joke about a bed...
I just haven't made it up yet.

В семье геев кто может отобрать зарплату, тот и жена.

— Розочка! А выпить у нас что-нибудь есть?
— Есть. Чай есть цейлонский.
— А что-нибудь покрепче?
— Ну, возьми новый пакетик.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

My wife and I have divided opinions on who should pay. Looks like we have different purse pectives.

A man's true delight is to do the things he was made for.

If my 'life' was a variable then I would take 'you' as the constant.

Me: Go to bed. It's 9 o'clock.
Kids: But its vacation!
Me: It's my vacation, too. Go to bed.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas. They are due back at the library next Friday. Thank you.

Diner: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!”

Waiter: “He won’t eat it either.”

— Вы труды Ницше читали?
— Нет
— Быдло
— А вы?
— А я первый спросил!

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

I asked a real estate agent how much it would cost to buy a hockey stadium. But she said she could only give me a ballpark estimate.