Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I consider myself an art and history buff...

I just Louvre museums!!

How much does a Mustang cost?
More than you can af-Ford.

FUN Fact:
It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them.

FUN Fact:
There is no single food that provides all the nutrients that humans need, except for breast milk.

FUN Fact:
You should delete your browser cookies before buying airline tickets - Ticket fares go up when you’ve visited a site multiple times.

I was about to cancel my New Year’s Eve plans when I remembered that I didn’t have any.

Being old on New Year’s Eve:

“Alexa set an alarm for 11:59 PM.”

No one will ask about your degree when you arrive in a Ferrari.

My boss: You’re essential.

My pay check: No you’re not.

I think, therefore I self sabotage.

New year, new you. Join the Witness Protection Program.

If they say they’re over it, they’re not over it.

Опьянённые властью опохмеляются кровью.
Виктор Шендерович

I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend..
He said, I like it well done.
I said, Thanks, that means a lot.

My new year’s resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant.
Roll on 2022.

I have a friend called Jay.

We call him J for short.

FUN Fact:
Science says that each glass of water you drink contains at least one molecule of water that has once passed through the digestive system of a dinosaur.

FUN Fact:
Pirates wore eye patches to have one eye adjusted for the top deck and the other already adjusted for the darkness when going below deck.

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

FUN Fact:
Unfaithful men have lower IQs according to a scientific study.

FUN Fact:
When you blush, and your face turns red, so does the inside of your stomach.

— А я вчера мимо цирка проходил, меня клоуны выебали...
— Серьезно?
— Нет, блин, с шуточками.

I have a very sensitive dentist. He's really in touch with his fillings.

The pottery scene from Ghost but it’s just us making guacamole.

FUN Fact:
Without your pinky finger, you would lose 50% of your hand strength.

I only drink alcohol for medical reasons - because I'm sick of being sober.

Do never date a girl who doesn't respect ur wife.

So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

Philadelphia is ph balanced: one ph in each half.

Good bacon can change your life, and all bacon is good bacon.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Live every day like it's your last.

Always leave your family upset and in tears.

- ¿Qué película miras?
-Asesinos en serie
- ¿Y de qué se trata?
-De una mariposa que no encuentra a su madre.

If you do tomorrow what you did today, you will get tomorrow what you got today.
- Benjamin Franklin

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

I can count the number of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand.

Its 13.

Visits always give pleasure – if not the arrival, the departure.
- Portuguese Proverb.

My cat is so happy that I invested in stocks on his behalf. And believe me, the feline is mutual!

Мужик приходит в ресторан и говорит официанту:
- Графин водочки, и что-нибудь на ваш вкус.
Официант:
- Так и запишем - два графина водочки.

Remember to poop before midnight
tomorrow.

You don't want to be carrying the
same shit into the New year.

I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room for New Years Eve.

To be honest,

I might not even go.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Psychology says, In many situations, the smartest thing to do is to not react.

Be nice to everyone. Be friends with a few. Trust one person: yourself.

What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

“Doctor, Doctor, please help! I’m getting married soon and I can’t get over my fear of wedding vows... do you know of a cure?”

“I can’t say I do”

“Not you as well!”

What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies?
He becomes Jason Nomoa.

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

- Mark Twain

My local football team have lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I bought an Oasis GPS and now... ...all the roads I have to drive are winding.

Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little.

The availability of money is not as important as the absence of debts.

I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Первое свидание.
Он: Какой я у нее?
Она: Какой он у него?

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

There was always one Thing that annoyed me about the Adams family.

You become dangerous if you can do it alone.

Не важно в какой ты жопе!
Важно, чтобы в твоей не было никого!

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve? Blackmail.

My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.

I bought a grenade today from a pawn shop.
Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

My son told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. -Guess you're not very good at it.

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
- Marcus Aurelius

FUN fact:
Pluto didn't even complete one revolution around the sun between its discovery and its declassification as a planet.

I went to a record shop and asked, “have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush”.

Just picked up a copy of 'Psychoanalysis for Dummies' :
it was shrink-wrapped.

If there's one software you used the most but didn't pay for, what was it and why is it Winrar?

I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said: Theyre in the fruit aisle next to the bananas.

FUN FACT!
The entrance to the Hogwarts gym is called 'The Dumbbell Door'

My problem most days is my fucks run out before the hours do.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

My pandemic laundry is 75% pajamas and 25% running clothes that I wear as pajamas.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

- Oscar Wilde