Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I didn’t know how a water purifier worked, but now it's become clear.

If it's illegal to financially support a "criminal terrorist group" why am I still paying taxes?

Just asking for a friend.

Bad days are not a good excuse to interrupt your good habits.

Tyranny is that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

"There are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." ~ James Madison

If you always vote for the lesser of two evils, you'll always get evil.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." ~ George Hegel

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Meditation is basically a “don’t fall asleep sitting up” challenge.

"Everybody wants to hire the best. Nobody wants to pay them the best."

72 virgins in Islam.
“Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I ever heard in my life”.

~ Bill Maher

I need new conspiracy theories. All my old ones came true!

I got a message on my printer that my cartridge was low so I brought it out fun day trip to the seaside to cheer it up…
it didn’t work though;it still complained about feeling empty inside…

Money does buy happiness, if you earned it.

Taxes history: During the reign of Edward III (1327-77), the citizens of Norwich had to pay the king 24 herring pies a year.

There are two outcomes once you get into business:

1) It eventually works
2) You give up before it does

That’s it.

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious."
- Thomas Jefferson (1824)

Teach your children early what you learned late.

Like income taxes, passports were a "temporary" war measure.

You’re offended when you fear that it might be true.

You are the reason God created middle finger.

One thing I dislike about cold weather is how cold it is.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

"Dry?"

"No, just one!"

There is absolutely no way to prove for sure that anybody but you is real.

I now identify as This Little Piggy.

My pronouns are

We/We/We.

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just sit in the dark and blame Jews.

What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?

Phil.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

- The last book I read was by George Orwell.
- 1984?
- No, last week.

Remember, if it's connected to the internet it can be used to spy on you.

What do you call an avocado at church?

Holy guacamole!

Every politician with ties to the World Economic Forum should be arrested on suspicion of high treason.

I am trying to follow The Science but it keeps leading me back to The Money.

I really like your LED headlights, can I look at them with my hammer?

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

My neighbor figures the relationship with his girlfriend is very psychological. She's a psycho and he's logical.

Water puns “wet” your appetite?

It’s moistly best to dive right in and make a big splash when immersed.

Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong.

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, I ignore it all and click “I agree.”

Why was algebra easier for the ancient Romans?

Because back then, X always equaled 10.

Taxation transcends mere theft; it's government-sanctioned extortion, enforcing payment in a currency under their ultimate control, to fund global havoc, all because you happen to live in a certain area they decided they rule.

This injustice is beyond profound.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

You hate the current government.

I HATE GOVERNMENT.

We are not the same.

I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:

What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?

What do you call a dying airport computer?

A terminal terminal terminal.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

Please don't refer to me as an asshole. I'm British. I'm an arsehole.

Wife said we should try some role reversal in bed..

So I said I had a headache.

I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

If you have a problem and have to use RegEx to solve it, you now have two problems.

My friend Pete believes he was reincarnated from a previous life.

We call him Repete.

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Phone them and tell them you can’t come 😂

Never too young to start an empire. Never too old to chase a dream.

A man doesn’t care about a woman’s money as long as she’s loyal.

A woman doesn’t care about a man’s loyalty as long as he’s rich.

The social credit score will be their next step in attempting to enslave us.

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

I prefer "critical thinker" over conspiracy theorist.

Ironically lazy people tend to accomplish things faster because they search for the easiest ways to do the things.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

Does 9 divided by 2 equal 45 or am I just missing the point?

Understanding is an art. And not everyone is an artist.

I feel like such an amateur at these orgies I've been going to lately.

Everyone is just fucking better than me.

Mao Zedong banned guns, then he killed 49,000,000 people.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Had trouble with my laptop, and my pal said;
" Have you tried disabling cookies?"
Me; "I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man."

I need a 6 month holiday. Twice a year.

i'm 99.9% sure i'm the ugly friend.

I don't need a stable relationship, I need a stable internet connection.

That embarrassing moment when you realize, that person wasn't waving at you.

A successful depopulation agenda would require high excess death rates, lower birth rates and for the vast majority to vilify those that question it.

Rearrange these letters to form words.

1. PNEIS
2. BUTTSXE

Did you get Spine and Subtext?

Me neither.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT"

Humans: "oh thank god"

Aliens: "wait what?"

What did one German say to another German?

Don't know, I don't speak German.

Linux is not magic.

It's sudo science.