Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Keep government small and people free!

Those suffering from paranoia — you’re not alone.

Wife. "What does the yellow traffic light mean?"
Me. "Slow down. "
Wife. "What-does-the-yellow-traffic-light-mean?"

I don't take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated.

"If you need a degree to do it, it’s not going to make you wealthy."

Libertarians are often accused of being utopian, but nothing is more utopian than the idea that government will limit itself.

NASA is launching a new mission to tell the aliens we’re sorry for all the space junk.
It’s called Apollo G.

Senators should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsers.

I heard an interesting show about how to plant peas. It was a podcast.

My retirement plan involves getting hit by a car.

Be your own bank.

Grow your own food.

Homeschool your own children.

In reality, Hollywood is about control and psychological warfare, not entertainment.

"Impatience with actions, patience with results."

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Sometimes I look at emails I’ve written and I can’t believe I’am pretending to be this professional.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Do you know where the term "mortgage" originally comes from? It originates from Latin, meaning "death pledge".

What is a really loud color?

YELLow.

My main rule of dating is 'Do no harm'. Pain yes, harm no.

French people are so hardcore they eat pain for breakfast.

If you don't read the news... you'll be uniformed. However if you read the news.... you'll be misinformed.

Be a voice, not an echo.

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

My Chinese friend says he has opened a crows shop.
I said "Don't you mean clothes shop?"
He said; "No, come and take a rook "

Why don't plants like math?
Because it gives them square roots!

My son kept using his extra-loud whistle inside the house.

I gave him one last chance, but unfortunately he blew it.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex

I only go against the flow because we’re circling the drain

"Stay positive and keep smiling”
Unless you are a coder.
Then it's “stay caffeinated and keep debugging while questioning your life choices.”

For sale.
Harry Potter ball games.
A quid each.

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

Starting a tribute band called “Paper.”

We cover rock.

Life is like a box of chocolates. more expensive than i was expecting.

Education is cheap.

It's university that is expensive.

"Free speech" includes speech that you don't like.

What kind of coffee does the Godfather drink?

An alpuccino.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I don't have many friends, but at least there's that Nigerian Prince.

Read what you love until you love to read.

The worst part about a 30 minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he’s just a handyman.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

How to avoid disappointment:

Avoid people.

“Only associate with people where you don’t have to drink to be around them.”

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier."
~ H.L. Mencken

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

After two marriages & dozens of failed relationships, I finally know what women want. Not me.

My wife texted me “I love u”.

I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

How do slimy lettuce and a song about a breakup differ?

One is a bad salad and the other’s a sad ballad.

I always keep my guitar in the car now.

It's good for traffic jams.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

1984 was not supposed to be an instruction manual.

If you’re not coding in notepad are you really a programmer?

Деление на ноль, -- это как секс. Вообще-то можно, но школьникам запрещают...

What do you call a monster with high IQ?

FrankEinstein

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.

Thankfully she came round.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

I've created a writing software to rival microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs.

My mother always said that she didn’t have a favourite child..

Which is pretty rough, because I have no siblings.

"Coding is a superpower because you can speak the language of robots and command them to do whatever you like."

"To get paid in the future, live in the future."

The best way to debug is to go to sleep.

The outfits I wear to drop my son off at school are designed to help him build character

My greatest fear is that I lose the power to fart silently.

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park…

It has several slides.

I am already against funding the next war.

I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.

It’s not real poo,

it’s a sham poo.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a
haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos.

Life is too short to be so stressed.

What is black, white and dead all over?

A zombie in a tuxedo.

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a billionaire?

A very witch person.

What do you call people who hate long sentences?
Criminals.

We deserve what we tolerate.

My Dad always wanted his grandson to be named after him.

Welcome to the world, baby Grandad.

Do women wear heels just to get High?

Woman goes to a gynecologist:

Gynecologist: Have you ever had a checkup there?

Woman: No, but I have had a few Hungarians.

"Alcohol is the payday loan of pleasure."