Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius

My friend is normally so stressed out but when I saw him recently, he seemed really calm.
I asked him how he did it.
"I pay a stress therapist to worry about things for me."
"wow, is that expensive?"
"£700 per session."
"Blimey; how can you afford that?"
"That's his problem."

King Arthur measured the size of his omelettes using his eggs caliber.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara desert, in 5 years, there'd be a shortage of sand.

If I can read their lips correctly through my binoculars; my neighbours are talking about the creepy guy next door.

Anyone fancy half a horse?

Not as hungry as I thought.

You aren't rich until you have something that money can't buy.

I'm currently halfway through reading the book of genesis and not a single mention of Phil Collins.

Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
- Ты молока купил?
Муж:
- Молокаку? Не, не пил!

Всё время собираюсь начать откладывать деньги. И всё время откладываю.

I have no idea why I walked in to the Short-Term Memory Clinic.

Job interviewer: So why are you deeply passionate about working with us?

Me: You need to secure servers, networks, and firewalls. I need to eat. Deal?

Religion is the practice of using nonsense to explain ignorance.

Debugging tip: get 8 hours of sleep.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please.

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

What do religious people chew?

Bible gum.

"If Muslims believe Islam is the *solution" and the West is the "problem" why do Muslims keep running away from the "solution" and go to the "problem"?"

Does a person, with diarrhoea, visit you?

No, they Poop in.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Never fuck with someone who gets enraged by misplaced apostrophe's.

Why did the dog get arrested?

He had unpaid barking tickets.

A stress ball is not something you throw at people who stress you.
Apparently.

My bad.

Sleeping on the job is acceptable in Japan, as it's viewed as exhaustion from working hard.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

If a microscope crashes into a telescope, do you get a kaleidoscope?

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?”

I said, “Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.

Atheism Isn't a Religion….It's a personal relationship with Reality.

My jokes are like semen.

Sometimes they land and stick.

Other times they are hard to swallow.

— Боря, у вас был секс с женщиной за 50?

— Таки был, Фима… Хотя сначала она хотела за 100!

God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version.

Today's weird fact:
a snowman's kids are called chill-dren.

Banks don't loan money, they loan debt, leveraged on the backs of the slaves, who are farmed by the government, and lovingly "tended" to by the education, prison and justice system.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you do not understand it.

-- Richard Feynman (1918 - 1988)

The more trust in the government you have, the less knowledge of history you have.

No one rules if no one obeys.

Believing "someone else is responsible for your troubles" solves none of your problems.

Three things should never be seen in the process of being created: laws, sausage, and software.

There's "hell" in hello, "good" in goodbye, "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "ex" in "next", "if" in life.

A popular Norwegian adage says,"There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing choices."

All code is technical debt; some code just has a higher interest rate.

-- Paul McMahon

You don't pay taxes. They take taxes.

Learn from weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I prefer conspiracy analyst. The conspiracies are no longer theories and playing out in real-time.

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

A Polish fisherman is a fishing pole.

Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
- St. Francis of Assisi

The Pharmaceutical industry DOES NOT create cures, they create customers.

The way to keep hidden an elephant in the street is to fill the street with elephants.

I have a civil engineering joke but its still under construction.

— Моня, а кем ты в детстве мечтал работать?
— Я? Мечтал работать?

Can't focus? Play music from a video game soundtrack. It's designed to keep you engaged, and helps you focus on what you're working on.

Акробат умер на батуте, но ещё какое-то время продолжал радовать публику.

Restroom attendants make me nervous.

Especially when they’re self employed.

Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices.

A new study shows that the only real virgin was Joseph.

Glory hole : When you want to shake hands without the small talk.

Glory hole : The ultimate game of 'guess who?

For a peek-a-boo experience like no other, try a glory hole!

Threesomes are the only team sport where everyone gets a trophy.

If you feel stupid...

Remember 2.38 billion people think a virgin can be pregnant by a ghost.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

"Politics is the art of making your selfish desires seem like the national interest."
~ Thomas Sowell

Life Coach: “After a hot bath, drink a glass of chardonnay.”

Client: “But I’ll never finish drinking the bath …”

One does not simply jingle only half way.

A key to eating healthy? Avoid any food that has its own TV commercial.

The bankers are ultimately the ones who always win these wars, because all wars are bankers wars.

Top tip.

Give your kids packs of batteries for Christmas, with a note saying 'toys not included. '

When I finish eating something, I have to show my hands to my dogs like I’m a blackjack dealer…

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back - way too expensive and really bad quality.

Never kiss your mom on your dad’s birthday. Trust me on this one.

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

Hot and cool are antonyms but both are compliments.

Growing herbs can be profitable. Thyme is money.

"You never cure structural defects; the system corrects itself by collapsing."

"The electric light did not come from the continuous improvement of candles."

- Oren Harari

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.