Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier."
~ H.L. Mencken

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

After two marriages & dozens of failed relationships, I finally know what women want. Not me.

My wife texted me “I love u”.

I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

How do slimy lettuce and a song about a breakup differ?

One is a bad salad and the other’s a sad ballad.

I always keep my guitar in the car now.

It's good for traffic jams.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

1984 was not supposed to be an instruction manual.

If you’re not coding in notepad are you really a programmer?

Деление на ноль, -- это как секс. Вообще-то можно, но школьникам запрещают...

What do you call a monster with high IQ?

FrankEinstein

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.

Thankfully she came round.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

I've created a writing software to rival microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs.

My mother always said that she didn’t have a favourite child..

Which is pretty rough, because I have no siblings.

"Coding is a superpower because you can speak the language of robots and command them to do whatever you like."

"To get paid in the future, live in the future."

The best way to debug is to go to sleep.

The outfits I wear to drop my son off at school are designed to help him build character

My greatest fear is that I lose the power to fart silently.

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park…

It has several slides.

I am already against funding the next war.

I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.

It’s not real poo,

it’s a sham poo.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a
haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos.

Life is too short to be so stressed.

What is black, white and dead all over?

A zombie in a tuxedo.

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a billionaire?

A very witch person.

What do you call people who hate long sentences?
Criminals.

We deserve what we tolerate.

My Dad always wanted his grandson to be named after him.

Welcome to the world, baby Grandad.

Do women wear heels just to get High?

Woman goes to a gynecologist:

Gynecologist: Have you ever had a checkup there?

Woman: No, but I have had a few Hungarians.

"Alcohol is the payday loan of pleasure."

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

"If you need to memorize it, then you didn't understand it."

I meant to behave but there were just so many options.

"No regrets in life. Just lessons learned."

People say I have no will power.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

“Engineering is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world.”

— Elon Musk

No matter what product it is, "100% Natural" does NOT also mean GMO-free.

Soñar es gratis pero porque todavía no saben cómo monetizarlo.

The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.

“If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness”

-- found on the walls of a concentration camp after 1941

By doing what everyone else does, you guarantee average results.

If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy?

В древности, люди, не зная о существовании евреев, все свои несчастья списывали на нечистую силу.

Your brain is your biological personal computer. Make sure you're the only one programming it.

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

We are the unorganized truth, fighting an organized lie.

Q: What’s the difference between the diameter and the radius?
A: The radius.

Your mind is your greatest weapon, your thoughts are the highest form of resistance.

If you diet, invest, and think according to what the "news" advocates, you'll end up nutritionally, financially, and morally bankrupt.

What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don't smile anymore.

Well she's the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

The government hates us all. Especially people that speak the truth.

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

My wife said she wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.

I don't think sawing her in half was quite what she had in mind.

The man who treats his woman as a queen is deserved to live as a king.

What did the SQL query ask the tables in the bar?

Can I JOIN you?

Doctor, I think Im a moth.

It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist.

I was on my way there when I saw your light on!

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

If you do, please give me a shout.

Why are people called gold diggers when we could call them dough nuts?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

“Gratitude is the wine of the soul. Go on. Get drunk!”
— Rumi

I remember when I was young and full of hope. I think it was a Tuesday.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

What’s big and white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge.

I have a political science joke but it’s not politically correct.

Just say LOL and move on.

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people and actions don't deserve it.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Hot and in the palm of hands.

Learn math, kids. Speaking the language of nature is the ultimate superpower.

Old problems have old solutions.

I have a statistics joke but its not significant.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?