Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Do nudists solve problems?

No they "nut" things out, get to the " bottom" of it and "figure" it out.

Debuggers don't remove bugs. They only show them in slow motion.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright!

“Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.”
– Oscar Wilde

A woman goes to the doctor who asks
what do you need help with today?

She replies I have recently sprouted 10 additional breasts, and now have 12, you gotta help me doc!

The doc replies

Wow, that definitely complicates things, dozen tit!

They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.

It's kind of crappy that we basically pay politicians to tell us to go screw ourselves.

Quran: A camel herder's guide to the galaxy.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

- Me at self checkout

"Solve via iteration. Then get paid via repetition."

Never try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the local birds have flown south for the winter.

What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

Just finished a course on positive thinking.

It was rubbish.

if you rob a bank you're a criminal.

if the bank robs you its finance.

if everyone robs everyone its decentralized finance.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Teach your daughter to shoot. Because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Being unhappy is very inefficient.

Can God write a program so complex that he cannot debug it?

(a variant of the Omnipotence Paradox)

If you drive a Subaru backward, what are you?

U r a bus.

Rule #1: Fuck what they think.

If all the countries in the world are in debt...

Where did all the money go?

They warned me to watch out for the cow manure, but I think that's bullshit.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, "I can't pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!"

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
— Isaac Asimov

I just found out my wife has a twin. I saw her on Tinder.

I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

"If tobacco companies get in trouble for selling products that give people cancer, then universities should get in trouble for selling student debt to students with worthless degrees."

Whoever put S in fastfood is a marketing genius.

Today's advice:
Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home early.

In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time. That person is your manager at work.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

All programs have at least one bug remaining and can be optimized by one byte. Thus, by mathematical induction, all programs can be reduced to one byte. And it won't work.

Me: you can find the glory of God in the smallest of things.
Her: Be that as it may, stop sending me dick pics.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...

Well my doctor always calls me patient.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Income tax: 'The fine you pay for being productive and useful.'

My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who's hurt me then burn them.

I've done that. Now what do I do with the letters?

My Korean friend died last week

So Yung.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

HR: On your resume it says you went to Yale.
Me: Yes, for my sister’s graduation.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.

When someone yells out “You asshole!” while I’m driving I always wonder how they know.

Weak men create hard times.

In Europe, we use € instead of $ in jQuery.

What do you call a Dentist that doesn't like Tea?

Denis.

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas

It is easier to optimize correct code than to correct optimized code.

What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?

"Get a life!"

If you haven't found the rabbit hole by now, you're not looking for it.

Adam was one lucky man who didn't have a mother-in-law.

Don't put the Paul McCartney before the Paul McHorsey.

There's no test like production.

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, "Do you need help?"

I said, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Do dogs runaway?

No, they Flea.

If your phone doesn’t ring when you’re struggling, remember to not pick up the calls when you’re winning.

Science is like sex. Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don't understand it.

"Read the books they want to ban."

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

“Being poor is only romantic in books.”
― Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels

A pretty woman went to a mullah, “Please pray a cure me of my disease.”

Mullah said, ''I will pray for a cure for you, but as a token of gratitude, you must go to bed with me.”

She agreed, and the mullah had good sex.
Then the mullah asked, “Tell me, what is your ailment?”

“I have AIDS” replied the woman.

Never play darts with children. Their heads just bounce off the board.

Government: We injected you with poison.

Sheeple: Can I get my 5th booster now?!

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

Do you speak English?
Yes!

Name?
Abdul Aziz.

Sex?
Three to five times a week.

No, no...I mean male or female?
Yes, both male and female

Holy cow!
Yes, cows, sheep, and goats.

But isn't that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!

Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast...

"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”
(Matthew 22:37–39).

There's a Hungarian saying....

Whatever he says not even the opposite is true...

In the age of information, ignorance is a choice.

My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation.

She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

I think my neighbor is having an affair with my wife. He's been miserable lately.

I didn’t know how a water purifier worked, but now it's become clear.