Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why did the trombone player get paid less than the drummer?
He works on a sliding scale.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."

- Albert Einstein

Don’t make important decisions when you are hungry or tired.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

"If the conditions don’t suit you, leave."

- Epictetus

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

"Never give up on the things that make you smile."

What colour are submarines? Deep Navy.

What subject did the snake learn in school on Monday? Hiss-tory!

How did the hen feel on Monday? Eggshausted!

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Why did the robot have some trouble focusing at school on Monday? He was a little rusty!

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

What do you call a Friday that is not serious about anything in life? Casual Friday.

What is Daniel Defoe's favorite day of the week? Friday.

Why did Friday go to visit a doctor? He was week.

What’s scarier than Friday the 13th? Mondays.

Do you think Friday the 13th is scary? No, but Fri 10, maybe.

What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th? By their names.

What kind of dessert goes best with the theme of Friday the 13th? I scream.

When do rich people celebrate Black Friday? Every day.

If I cant get the cork out of my good whiskey does it mean I am too drunk to deserve it.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

The best part of working from home is, at lunch, you get to cry in your own bathroom.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they're honest enough to admit it's not much to look at.

For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping. That was a rude awakening.

I wish people would just stop verbing nouns!

"Respect yourself and others will respect you."

- Confucius

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

No matter how wet it is, German weather is wetter.

People who weigh themselves every day are indulging in wishful shrinking.

- Секрет моего успеха у женщин прост.Его нет!
- Секрета?
- Успеха!

Лучше журавль в небе, чем дятел дома.

For our upcoming event, formal dress is required but no smoking allowed.
So remember:
clothes but no cigar!

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, "This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.

The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real...

Earlier my wife asked; "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?"

Me; "You know I do"

The World Governments convinced the healthy they were sick.

Next stop,

To convince the World they'll own nothing and be happy.

Cannibal lions swallow their pride.

Flat Earthers has been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off...

Isn't it great finding your soulmate?
My wife: You'll be the first to know.

Success is 1% planning and 99% discipline.

Penguins are proof you can get a job you're not qualified for if you dress up.

“Do your research!” is the new “kiss my ass.”

Geometry was invented in the 9th century by the Angle-Saxons.

I accidently swallowed a toy Superman!

Luckily I'm a radiologist so I was able to search for the hero inside myself…

"It's impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."

- Epictetus

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

However, thats not the case.

🎅 People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.🤣

Real is more attractive than perfect.

Hotel manager: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a room vacant.” Guest: “Well look, if Prince Charles was coming, you’d have a room for him, wouldn’t you?” Hotel manager: “Well, yes sir, I suppose we would.” Guest: Well he’s not coming, so I’ll have his room”.

What do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

“This one I’ll definitely remember.”

*Me creating a new password*

“In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual.”
- Galileo Galilei

When can we start a support group for procrastinators?

Psychology says, unlearning past habits that no longer serve you is self care.

My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks. That's swan way to go about it.

- Почему в ЗАГСе не моют окна?
- Остаются разводы.

zookeeper: panda breeding is difficult because they're so lazy

me: *raising hand* actually I think it's because you're a human

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a sobriety test...
same thing.

How to be happy: dont expect anything from anyone.

The problem with long walks on the beach is the part with the beach and also the walking part.

- Соломон! Ты же военный! Тебе сказали — к ужину быть в семь вечера, а ты что?
- Софа, а шо ты возмущаешься? Разве была атака?

"The purpose of knowledge is action, not knowledge."

- Aristotle

If you spell wrong, wrong, you haven't spelled it right, therefore it's wrong. But it is also not wrong, because it's not right.

Сегодня утром на остановке видела оборотня. Хотя, возможно, это был просто очень волосатый парень. В любом случае, серебряная пуля сработала.

The recipe said, “3 cubed pineapples”.
I thought, “I can’t afford to get 27 pineapples!!”

"It takes a planet to explore the universe."

Сперматозоидам мешают выбиться в люди всякие гандоны.

Shoes are so lucky. Every shoe has a sole mate.

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

Note to self: Your procrastination is someone else’s opportunity.

You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. These night vision binoculars were worth every penny.

Кредит — это, как грех на душу. Его лучше не брать.

Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
They’ll get frostbite.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.

Vernon Sanders Law

- Коля, ты коньяк на Новый год купил?
- Да, уже пятый раз!

I gave my son six pieces of cardboard last Christmas.
He asked ‘What’s this?’
I replied ‘It’s an ex box!