Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

В тату-салоне царило необычное оживление - два мастера набивали друг другу морды.

They're ignoring you?

Good, now you have the freedom to quietly work on your dreams.

I just bought two fish and called one One and the other Two...
When One dies I'll still have Two.

It takes me 25 minutes to find the perfect porn to finish to in 25 seconds.

Not everyone deserves your masturbation videos.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

"Never argue with stupid people,

they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

| Mark Twain

You’d Think, with all the restaurants they’re building in this town, people would be fed up by now…

I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little

I have decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket this year! 🎄

How do you shut a wardrobe's door?
You closet.

The only person who couldn't beat Kid Rock in a fight is probably Kid Scissors.

Me: Doc, my dog, he has no nose.

Doc: How's he smell then?

Me: Pretty bad actually!

Сёстры делятся на две категории — старшая и стукач.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........ Mad-at-gas-car.

Очередь в пляжный туалет — это место, где собираются приличные люди.

Sloth isn't such a bad sin. It prevents me from committing the other six.

Out shopping and disappointed with the changing room in this shop. I’ve gone in to it five times now and it’s still the same.

I don't understand the Covid variant names.
It's all Greek to me.

"Men are quick to believe what they want to be true."

- Julius Caesar

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The best part about being old af is being able to say fuck off, I’m old af.

Coffee.

Because sarcasm needs to stay hydrated.

What’s the difference between a sprinter and a duck?
One goes quick, the other goes quack.

If you haven’t had sex in a long time, that’s called mourning wood.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I have a fetish for feet.
I think maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

Ninety percent of visiting my relatives on holidays is just moving my car because I’m blocking someone who needs out.

I don’t want to criticize his musical abilities, but he doesn’t have to worry about getting hit by lightning because he’s such a poor conductor.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much." The doctor says, "Hop up on the examining table and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?" She replies, That's lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

"If you have a dream, don't waste your energies explaining why."

- Paulo Coelho

Dont eat German fruit bread.

Its stollen.

Жена говорит, что у меня галлюцинации. А я ведь даже не женат.

Officer, why do you say "full body cavity search" like it's a bad thing?

—Doctor, creo que le tengo alergia al vino.
—¿A qué vino?
—A su consulta médica doctor, pero por favor ayúdeme.

I forgot how to spell a word so I change the whole sentence to avoid using it.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Девочки, подскажите, сколько минут нужно варить яйца, чтобы он во всем признался?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?

His boss chewed him out!

My friend was cooking steaks today and said they cooked faster than expected. I told him "well done".

I'm "I used to burn CDs" years old.

So I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself..

"Why the hell are you called earlier?"

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

- Carl Jung

Борьба за равноправие заканчивается при получении привилегий.

What did Santa and Mrs. Clause name their daughter?
Mary Christmas.

There's a local tavern that sells Snickers.
It's a candy bar.

A con man’s greatest asset
is his lie-ability.

What do you call
a sportscar modelling
swimwear...

A lambikni?

I applied for a job in a butcher’s shop over a month ago now but I still haven’t heard from them. No phone call, no text, no email.
Not a sausage.

There's a reason they call some things Govern-mental.

There are three types of accountants: those who are good with numbers and those who are bad with numbers.

I just ate 10 whole Kinder eggs.
I'm just full of surprises.

I got fired from the hot dog stand because I couldn't cut the mustard.

When I first heard I had followers I was confused...I kept looking behind me but saw no one.

When accountants go mad
do they start to hear invoices?

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

I had to go to two confessions last sunday, i feel like i've been double crossed.

You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...
...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.

- Что ты будешь готовить на Новый год?
- Стихотворение.

Любая змея считается неядовитой, пока ты на ней не женился.

If they need you temporarily, ignore them permanently.

Робин Гуд отнимал деньги у богатых и отдавал их бедным. Поэтому люди среднего класса его и знать не знали.

Husband: You know, you remind me of Christmas lights

Wife: Why, because I light up your life and bring you joy?

Husband: More like you are scattered all around the house and not working.

During a home improvement project
my wife said she thought we should try a 3 way switch.
Let’s just say there was a misunderstanding.

— Мама, у меня больше не появятся прыщи?
— Нет сыночек.
— Отлично, но почему?
— Места больше нет!

Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied-er.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

- Lao Tzu

me: is it weird to talk to yourself?
me: No.

A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified.

What’s the forecast for Christmas Eve?
Rain, dear.

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone."

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I'm jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

I just opened a Christmas card and some rice fell out.
Must be from my uncle Ben.

When she is talking to me without bra I automatically start seeing her points.

Car ride naps hit different when you're the one driving!

I was thinking about learning Finnish.
But I didn't know where to start...

Все средства хороши, но наличные лучше.