Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

В маршрутку заглядывает мужик, указательный палец на водителя:
- Паф, Паф, Паф... .
Водитель:
- Ну че, всех расстрелял? Садись давай!
Мужик:
- Паф... Па Фрунзенской пойдете?

I'm fed up with food puns.

Well as Xmas is coming upon us I'm looking for a job

Preferably a bl#w job.

Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

—Amor, dime algo que salga de tu corazón.
—Sangre.
—Pero yo pensaba que...
—¡SANGRE DIJE!

Choosing not to argue with people is self care.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Every chord is a sad chord if you’re depressed enough.

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

Birds of prey have trouble making friends.
They're too hawkward.

Data science be like:

5% coding.
95% waiting for your code to finish running.

Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?
.
.
.
It's known as mourning wood.

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

The word queue is weird... Why is -ueue making a queue behind the Q? Useless.

Maxwell House, makers of roasted coffee is branching out and will begin manufacturing parachutes.
They will recycle their famous slogan.
Maxwell House parachutes they’re good till the last drop.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

A woman walks into a library and asks for a book about curiosity. The librarian says "why do you want that"?

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

“You’ll be in my thoughts”

- People who will not have you in their thoughts

Стокгольм, Швеция, Общество русских писателей. Корреспондент одной из центральной газет Стокгольма получил задание написать статью о жизни русских писателей в Швеции и их творчестве. Утро выходного дня. Небольшая комнатка. За столом одинокая молоденькая секретарша.
- Простите, я хотел бы сделать репортаж о жизни русских писателей, где я могу их найти?
- Извините, но сегодня суббота и все русские писатели ушли в синагогу.

Лучшей машиной АвтоВАЗа признан "ВМW" директора завода.

When the Beach Boys walk into a bar:

"Round?"

"Round!"

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round!"

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I could see them!

What has 300 legs and 37 teeth?

Waiting room at the meth clinic.

If you're always right, something's wrong.

Why did The Snowman
Have a finger up the bum?
He was getting his frostate checked.

A bunch of geologist friends of mine just started a rock group.

My techie friend is launching a dating app for German philosophy majors. He Kant be sure it will catch on, though. It’s a Nietzsche market.

If your Twitter pic is a car, then I can only assume you're a transformer.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

"Why, I have the body of a 25 year old!"

"We'll you better give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled."

If you seek human validation, you've already lost the war.

When you marry a wife who's shaped like an hourglass, every minute counts.

I'm really fun to talk to, but you wouldn't know because I don't reply.

I woke up this morning with trouble with my eyes. I couldn't see going to work.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one.

Is passive-aggressive psycho two words or three?

I want to get this Mother's Day card just right.

I AM THE REASON SANTA HAS A NAUGHTY LIST!

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
-Alice Walker

I'm not lost, I'm hiding.

Do German cats have multiple lives?
Nein.

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

The best weight you'll ever lose is the weight of other people's opinion of you.

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

– Rumi

If we're made in the image of a god, why aren't we invisible?

“Honesty is the best policy.”

― Benjamin Franklin

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Did you know?

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
Sorry, It's my dry cents of humor!

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

I might look normal but you best believe if a cat meows, I'm meowing back.

Did you see Bruce Willis overdosed on Viagra?
He always said he’d Die Hard.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

I called my ex “morning” because he always came early.

Soap operas gave me unrealistic expectations for how often I’d get to slap people.

Christmas is just like my job. I do all the work and the fat guy in a suit is the one that gets the credit!

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

- Почему вы разводитесь с женой?
- Она очень любит порядок. Я ночью иду в туалет, возвращаюсь, а постель уже застелена...

When I saw the broken elevator I just couldn't help but stair.

I learned from my mistakes so I decided to make more mistakes to learn more.

If you ever get lost in the woods-start talking religion or politics. Someone will show up to argue with you!

В киоске:
- Родина есть?
- Нет, продали всю.
- А Правда?
- Тоже нет.
- А что осталось?
- Труд за три копейки.

Nobody under 25 thinks 40 is the new 20. Only 40-somethings believe that shit.

Phoned an insurance company for a quote, they said “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Rule #1 of Mental Health:
Never expect anything from anybody.

Doctor: I'm waiting for your X-ray
Blonde: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brian scan.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why couldn't anyone understand the retired perfume maker?

Because he no longer made scents.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

What do you call a monster that does a lot of exercise?

Fit-ness

You were born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

"Jingle Bells" is just a jingle to sell bells.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter.

Social media isn’t the problem...

The problem is who you choose to follow.

What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
Blood hound!

You have two choices in life: be a creation of your past, or the creator of your future.

El único final feliz que conozco es el fin de semana.