Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I have a fetish for feet.
I think maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

Ninety percent of visiting my relatives on holidays is just moving my car because I’m blocking someone who needs out.

I don’t want to criticize his musical abilities, but he doesn’t have to worry about getting hit by lightning because he’s such a poor conductor.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much." The doctor says, "Hop up on the examining table and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?" She replies, That's lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

"If you have a dream, don't waste your energies explaining why."

- Paulo Coelho

Dont eat German fruit bread.

Its stollen.

Жена говорит, что у меня галлюцинации. А я ведь даже не женат.

Officer, why do you say "full body cavity search" like it's a bad thing?

—Doctor, creo que le tengo alergia al vino.
—¿A qué vino?
—A su consulta médica doctor, pero por favor ayúdeme.

I forgot how to spell a word so I change the whole sentence to avoid using it.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Девочки, подскажите, сколько минут нужно варить яйца, чтобы он во всем признался?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?

His boss chewed him out!

My friend was cooking steaks today and said they cooked faster than expected. I told him "well done".

I'm "I used to burn CDs" years old.

So I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself..

"Why the hell are you called earlier?"

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

- Carl Jung

Борьба за равноправие заканчивается при получении привилегий.

What did Santa and Mrs. Clause name their daughter?
Mary Christmas.

There's a local tavern that sells Snickers.
It's a candy bar.

A con man’s greatest asset
is his lie-ability.

What do you call
a sportscar modelling
swimwear...

A lambikni?

I applied for a job in a butcher’s shop over a month ago now but I still haven’t heard from them. No phone call, no text, no email.
Not a sausage.

There's a reason they call some things Govern-mental.

There are three types of accountants: those who are good with numbers and those who are bad with numbers.

I just ate 10 whole Kinder eggs.
I'm just full of surprises.

I got fired from the hot dog stand because I couldn't cut the mustard.

When I first heard I had followers I was confused...I kept looking behind me but saw no one.

When accountants go mad
do they start to hear invoices?

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

I had to go to two confessions last sunday, i feel like i've been double crossed.

You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...
...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.

- Что ты будешь готовить на Новый год?
- Стихотворение.

Любая змея считается неядовитой, пока ты на ней не женился.

If they need you temporarily, ignore them permanently.

Робин Гуд отнимал деньги у богатых и отдавал их бедным. Поэтому люди среднего класса его и знать не знали.

Husband: You know, you remind me of Christmas lights

Wife: Why, because I light up your life and bring you joy?

Husband: More like you are scattered all around the house and not working.

During a home improvement project
my wife said she thought we should try a 3 way switch.
Let’s just say there was a misunderstanding.

— Мама, у меня больше не появятся прыщи?
— Нет сыночек.
— Отлично, но почему?
— Места больше нет!

Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied-er.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

- Lao Tzu

me: is it weird to talk to yourself?
me: No.

A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified.

What’s the forecast for Christmas Eve?
Rain, dear.

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone."

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I'm jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

I just opened a Christmas card and some rice fell out.
Must be from my uncle Ben.

When she is talking to me without bra I automatically start seeing her points.

Car ride naps hit different when you're the one driving!

I was thinking about learning Finnish.
But I didn't know where to start...

Все средства хороши, но наличные лучше.

В маршрутку заглядывает мужик, указательный палец на водителя:
- Паф, Паф, Паф... .
Водитель:
- Ну че, всех расстрелял? Садись давай!
Мужик:
- Паф... Па Фрунзенской пойдете?

I'm fed up with food puns.

Well as Xmas is coming upon us I'm looking for a job

Preferably a bl#w job.

Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

—Amor, dime algo que salga de tu corazón.
—Sangre.
—Pero yo pensaba que...
—¡SANGRE DIJE!

Choosing not to argue with people is self care.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Every chord is a sad chord if you’re depressed enough.

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

Birds of prey have trouble making friends.
They're too hawkward.

Data science be like:

5% coding.
95% waiting for your code to finish running.

Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?
.
.
.
It's known as mourning wood.

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

The word queue is weird... Why is -ueue making a queue behind the Q? Useless.

Maxwell House, makers of roasted coffee is branching out and will begin manufacturing parachutes.
They will recycle their famous slogan.
Maxwell House parachutes they’re good till the last drop.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

A woman walks into a library and asks for a book about curiosity. The librarian says "why do you want that"?

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

“You’ll be in my thoughts”

- People who will not have you in their thoughts

Стокгольм, Швеция, Общество русских писателей. Корреспондент одной из центральной газет Стокгольма получил задание написать статью о жизни русских писателей в Швеции и их творчестве. Утро выходного дня. Небольшая комнатка. За столом одинокая молоденькая секретарша.
- Простите, я хотел бы сделать репортаж о жизни русских писателей, где я могу их найти?
- Извините, но сегодня суббота и все русские писатели ушли в синагогу.

Лучшей машиной АвтоВАЗа признан "ВМW" директора завода.

When the Beach Boys walk into a bar:

"Round?"

"Round!"

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round!"

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I could see them!

What has 300 legs and 37 teeth?

Waiting room at the meth clinic.

If you're always right, something's wrong.

Why did The Snowman
Have a finger up the bum?
He was getting his frostate checked.

A bunch of geologist friends of mine just started a rock group.