Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My techie friend is launching a dating app for German philosophy majors. He Kant be sure it will catch on, though. It’s a Nietzsche market.

If your Twitter pic is a car, then I can only assume you're a transformer.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

"Why, I have the body of a 25 year old!"

"We'll you better give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled."

If you seek human validation, you've already lost the war.

When you marry a wife who's shaped like an hourglass, every minute counts.

I'm really fun to talk to, but you wouldn't know because I don't reply.

I woke up this morning with trouble with my eyes. I couldn't see going to work.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one.

Is passive-aggressive psycho two words or three?

I want to get this Mother's Day card just right.

I AM THE REASON SANTA HAS A NAUGHTY LIST!

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
-Alice Walker

I'm not lost, I'm hiding.

Do German cats have multiple lives?
Nein.

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

The best weight you'll ever lose is the weight of other people's opinion of you.

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

– Rumi

If we're made in the image of a god, why aren't we invisible?

“Honesty is the best policy.”

― Benjamin Franklin

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Did you know?

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
Sorry, It's my dry cents of humor!

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

I might look normal but you best believe if a cat meows, I'm meowing back.

Did you see Bruce Willis overdosed on Viagra?
He always said he’d Die Hard.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

I called my ex “morning” because he always came early.

Soap operas gave me unrealistic expectations for how often I’d get to slap people.

Christmas is just like my job. I do all the work and the fat guy in a suit is the one that gets the credit!

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

- Почему вы разводитесь с женой?
- Она очень любит порядок. Я ночью иду в туалет, возвращаюсь, а постель уже застелена...

When I saw the broken elevator I just couldn't help but stair.

I learned from my mistakes so I decided to make more mistakes to learn more.

If you ever get lost in the woods-start talking religion or politics. Someone will show up to argue with you!

В киоске:
- Родина есть?
- Нет, продали всю.
- А Правда?
- Тоже нет.
- А что осталось?
- Труд за три копейки.

Nobody under 25 thinks 40 is the new 20. Only 40-somethings believe that shit.

Phoned an insurance company for a quote, they said “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Rule #1 of Mental Health:
Never expect anything from anybody.

Doctor: I'm waiting for your X-ray
Blonde: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brian scan.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why couldn't anyone understand the retired perfume maker?

Because he no longer made scents.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

What do you call a monster that does a lot of exercise?

Fit-ness

You were born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

"Jingle Bells" is just a jingle to sell bells.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter.

Social media isn’t the problem...

The problem is who you choose to follow.

What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
Blood hound!

You have two choices in life: be a creation of your past, or the creator of your future.

El único final feliz que conozco es el fin de semana.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

If you like water, you already like 70% of me!

Life is like a road trip. Enjoy each day, and don't carry too much baggage.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

In order to write about life first you must live it.

Ernest Hemingway

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

А я на новый год, куплю бутылку шампанского, баночку икры и пакет семечек, чтобы выпить, закусить и на всё наплевать!

Жена — это счастье, которое с годами становится всё полнее.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight ?

"Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating."

"Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth. Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."
- Aristotle

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.
- Henry Ford

Почитав женские статусы и заметки, складывается впечатление, что у всех один и тот же придурок...

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

I just got done reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were incredible

When people ask why I have a plastic bag in my coat pocket, I tell them that it’s in case I need to pick up poop. I never tell them that I have a dog, though. They don’t need that kind of detail.

I asked my Urologist to show me his credentials.
He presented his PPHD.

I won the wooden spoon in a recent soup making competition which caused a bit of a stir.

If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

I'll be sharing my secret for being an amazing guitar player later today.
Stay tuned.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Mejor pocos amigos que muchos hipócritas.

Hear about the turtle & snail that got into an accident? A police rabbit arrives and asks what happened. They both say, "Well, officer, it just all happened so fast!"

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”

- Albert Einstein