Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Почему в ЗАГСе не моют окна?
- Остаются разводы.

zookeeper: panda breeding is difficult because they're so lazy

me: *raising hand* actually I think it's because you're a human

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a sobriety test...
same thing.

How to be happy: dont expect anything from anyone.

The problem with long walks on the beach is the part with the beach and also the walking part.

- Соломон! Ты же военный! Тебе сказали — к ужину быть в семь вечера, а ты что?
- Софа, а шо ты возмущаешься? Разве была атака?

"The purpose of knowledge is action, not knowledge."

- Aristotle

If you spell wrong, wrong, you haven't spelled it right, therefore it's wrong. But it is also not wrong, because it's not right.

Сегодня утром на остановке видела оборотня. Хотя, возможно, это был просто очень волосатый парень. В любом случае, серебряная пуля сработала.

The recipe said, “3 cubed pineapples”.
I thought, “I can’t afford to get 27 pineapples!!”

"It takes a planet to explore the universe."

Сперматозоидам мешают выбиться в люди всякие гандоны.

Shoes are so lucky. Every shoe has a sole mate.

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

Note to self: Your procrastination is someone else’s opportunity.

You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. These night vision binoculars were worth every penny.

Кредит — это, как грех на душу. Его лучше не брать.

Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
They’ll get frostbite.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.

Vernon Sanders Law

- Коля, ты коньяк на Новый год купил?
- Да, уже пятый раз!

I gave my son six pieces of cardboard last Christmas.
He asked ‘What’s this?’
I replied ‘It’s an ex box!

Мои одноклассники мечтали стать космонавтами, а я об огромном конструкторе Лего.
Вчера я его купил, а они так и остались неудачниками.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”

― Seneca

Ever been to Las Vegas?

Nope, Nevada chance.....

Everyone talks about how good car sex is.

At my age I can barely handle sex with a person, much less a car.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandma, until my mom hid the urn from me.

Went to a railway themed fancy dress party.
Everyone was on platforms.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

"Above all, do not lie to yourself."

- Dostoevsky

This Christmas I want to be clean and sober. By that I mean I'll be showered and heading to the liquor store.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will bore you to death with endless fishing stories and photos of himself on Facebook holding fish.

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

В тату-салоне царило необычное оживление - два мастера набивали друг другу морды.

They're ignoring you?

Good, now you have the freedom to quietly work on your dreams.

I just bought two fish and called one One and the other Two...
When One dies I'll still have Two.

It takes me 25 minutes to find the perfect porn to finish to in 25 seconds.

Not everyone deserves your masturbation videos.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

"Never argue with stupid people,

they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

| Mark Twain

You’d Think, with all the restaurants they’re building in this town, people would be fed up by now…

I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little

I have decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket this year! 🎄

How do you shut a wardrobe's door?
You closet.

The only person who couldn't beat Kid Rock in a fight is probably Kid Scissors.

Me: Doc, my dog, he has no nose.

Doc: How's he smell then?

Me: Pretty bad actually!

Сёстры делятся на две категории — старшая и стукач.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........ Mad-at-gas-car.

Очередь в пляжный туалет — это место, где собираются приличные люди.

Sloth isn't such a bad sin. It prevents me from committing the other six.

Out shopping and disappointed with the changing room in this shop. I’ve gone in to it five times now and it’s still the same.

I don't understand the Covid variant names.
It's all Greek to me.

"Men are quick to believe what they want to be true."

- Julius Caesar

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The best part about being old af is being able to say fuck off, I’m old af.

Coffee.

Because sarcasm needs to stay hydrated.

What’s the difference between a sprinter and a duck?
One goes quick, the other goes quack.

If you haven’t had sex in a long time, that’s called mourning wood.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I have a fetish for feet.
I think maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

Ninety percent of visiting my relatives on holidays is just moving my car because I’m blocking someone who needs out.

I don’t want to criticize his musical abilities, but he doesn’t have to worry about getting hit by lightning because he’s such a poor conductor.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much." The doctor says, "Hop up on the examining table and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?" She replies, That's lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

"If you have a dream, don't waste your energies explaining why."

- Paulo Coelho

Dont eat German fruit bread.

Its stollen.

Жена говорит, что у меня галлюцинации. А я ведь даже не женат.

Officer, why do you say "full body cavity search" like it's a bad thing?

—Doctor, creo que le tengo alergia al vino.
—¿A qué vino?
—A su consulta médica doctor, pero por favor ayúdeme.

I forgot how to spell a word so I change the whole sentence to avoid using it.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Девочки, подскажите, сколько минут нужно варить яйца, чтобы он во всем признался?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a vat of gum at the Wrigley’s factory?

His boss chewed him out!

My friend was cooking steaks today and said they cooked faster than expected. I told him "well done".

I'm "I used to burn CDs" years old.

So I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself..

"Why the hell are you called earlier?"

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

- Carl Jung

Борьба за равноправие заканчивается при получении привилегий.

What did Santa and Mrs. Clause name their daughter?
Mary Christmas.