Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Completely misunderstood pride month. Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

My girlfriend poked me in the eye.
I stopped seeing her after a while.

Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I'm a gift.

“The purpose of literature is to turn blood into ink.”
-- T S Eliot

The internet is great because it gives everyone a voice. It also sucks because it gives everyone a voice.

Dad: Someone here is possessed by an Owl.

Son: Who?
Dad: Mhmm guess we found it

“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour.”

- Elon Musk

Кто богаты, те и рады.

To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

My wife says after all these year’s I still take her breath away.
Good to know my farts are sill effective!

I really look up to my tall friends.

Psychology says, if you get a gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.

Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?

He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.

To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake

Haha in your face.

James Cameron wanted to cast Chuck Norris for the role of The Terminator but Chuck Norris wasn’t interested in doing a documentary.

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

People who try to destroy the country and fail are called traitors and the ones who succeed? They're called politicians.

What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

What do you call a place where the animals practice martial arts?

A Jujit-zoo.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

I'd like to give a whisper out to librarians everywhere.

Он:
- Мы с тобой уже три месяца встречаемся и ни разу не ссорились!
Она:
- Это ты так думаешь.

"Tell me, and I forget, teach me, and I may remember, involve me, and I learn."

- Benjamin Franklin

If it wasn't for my faults, I'd be perfect.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

I'm thankful for the Foo Fighters because I've never felt threatened by a foo and that means they're doing a heck of a job on the frontlines.

- Сколько вам лет?
- Мне ближе к 30 чем к 20.
- 27?
- 46.

If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

My grand-daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas. I went to our local pet shop and they were charging $70.
Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
- Carl Jung

Losing toxic people is a win.

Psychology says a mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

ATTENTION ATTENTION.
The local Procrastinator’s Club meeting has been postponed for tonight. Probably won’t happen tomorrow either. Maybe the day after tomorrow but don’t hold your breath about that. We’re still looking for a meeting place.

My dog likes everyone. It's me you have to worry about.

If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

Forgive people for your peace of mind, not theirs.

The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.
― Albert Einstein

I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents.
- Elon Musk

If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.

- А я клубнику не очень люблю.
- Аллергия?
- Нет. Она презервативами пахнет.

Turned up to
the barbers with
hare on my head.
They said
"Sorry, we don't
do rabbits"

Fun fact:
A lighthouse is actually very heavy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited.
Because I know she's legal, and willing to do stuff she may regret.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

"Showing off is the fool's idea of glory."

- Bruce Lee

Sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests.

- Привет, я прибыл из будущего. Какой сейчас год?
- 2020-й.
- Ага, значит, десятилетний карантин только начался...

По законам Непала, гражданином этой страны считается любой ребёнок, зачатый непальцем и непалкой.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!

Just because I don’t know the words doesn’t mean I won’t sing.

WIFE: I'm concerned about my husband, for the past few days he's been seeing spots!

FRIEND: Has he seen a doctor?"

WIFE: No, just spots.

My wife just sent me a strange text message.

"There's a man on the bus next to me who keeps farting."

I replied, "That's okay. At least he isn't on your bus."

Ты молода, пока в чулки суёшь свои ноги, а не лук.

— Беня, это правда, что ты женишься на Соне только потому, что у неё много денег?
— Враньё! Я женюсь на ней потому, что у меня нет ни гроша.

Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

I'm just saying if you are fishing with a dotted line, you'll catch every other fish.

Got attacked by a bacon tree the other day. Turned out to be a hambush.

Psychology says, You become unstoppable when you realize that you can do it alone.

"Avoid negative people. They have a problem with every solution."

- Albert Einstain

If you've seen the bottom, you're ready for the top.

I'm just saying if I post a bird joke, I would definitely get cheep laughs.

Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.

My friend is trying to get in the Guiness Book of Records for counting backwards from a million...
He says he'll stop at nothing!

On the freeway today I passed a guy with a loom on his front seat.
He was weaving all over the place.

I'd talk to my wife more during sex if I were better at dialing the phone with one hand.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I was asked to define the word 'crumb' – it wasn't hard for me. I mean it was a piece of cake.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

My laptop is cold.
I think I left windows open.

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

— У вас ацетилсалициловая кислота есть?
— Аспирин, что ли?
— Да. Всё время забываю это слово.

What does a magician penguin say? "Pick a cod, any cod..."

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy...

Most people think the worst thing about a cold is the persistent cough…but it’s snot…