Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Reading is like being in the shower.
Don't wanna start and don't wanna stop.

No enemy is worse than bad advice.
•Sophocles

- Как добиться успеха у дорогих женщин?
- Ждите распродаж…

“As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances.”
― Confucius

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates.

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk? He had one two one two one two many.

When a funeral director practices driving his vehicle over and over again,
is he rehearsing?

If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale.

"There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance"
– Socrates

Psychology says, you become 10 times more powerful when you pause before reacting.

Q: What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn’t?
A: High and dry.

Money is not evil. It’s the love of money that holds people back.

❝ The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. ❞
– Bob Marley

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

"If you can not easily explain what you know, it means that you have not yet learned it well"

-Albert Einstein

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

- Мойша, говорят, шо вы таки ели свинину?
- Да, был вынужден.
- Интересуюсь спросить - и как оно?
- Как спать с чужой женой.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

- Какой сыр брать, брат?
- Бри, брат.
- Беру бри, брат. А шампанское, брат?
- Брют, брат.
- Беру бри и брют, брат.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Just letting you all know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.

Psychology says, being private af, staying low-key and not telling everyone everything is self-care.

I saw an old man collecting trolleys in the Supermarket today.

He must've been pushing 70.

I went to the toilet today without my mobile phone.

There are 283 tiles on the wall and floor.

- коридор затмений завтра закончится, авось полегче станет
- что закончится?
- коридор затмений
- какой ещё, блядь, коридор?!
- ну там лунное затмение, солнечное затмение. а мы сейчас посередине затмений и от этого кругом такой пиздец. мне астропсихолог сказала
- сука, я тебя в церковь отведу, если ты не прекратишь немедленно!
- что не прекращу?
- астропсихологов слушать!
- это ты из-за коридора затмений такой нервный, серьёзно. завтра полегче будет

Charged particles can be tricky. Keep an ion them.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier. I was only grazed.I was very lucky I wasn't fleeced, but I did get rammed.

Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.

Apparently my blind d date tonight is 6 feet 6 inches tall.
I can't wait two metre.

"Doctor doctor I have
pizza growing
on my leg!"
"You've got
Peppero-knee"

Вопрос директору Сбербанка РФ:
- Почему у вас такие низкие депозитные ставки, не покрывающие даже инфляцию?
Ответ:
- Потому что большинство наших вкладчиков не знает, что это такое.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

"Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible."

- Albert Einstein

So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days...

He calls it the "Brexit".

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

What is the thing that you keep on looking for, but when you find it, you throw it away?
A booger.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

My wife Says to me, give it to me, I'm so WET, I SAID nope, this is my UMBRELLA

What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.

Когда гости засиживаются слишком долго, Яша просит Розочку спеть.

What has one horn and provides milk? A dairy lorry.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

Наум Лазаревич, как повысить уровень здравоохранения?
Я вас умоляю!Это таки очень просто сделать.Пусть выпускники мединститутов первые три года лечат своих преподавателей!

-Ой, ваш Абрамчик на лицо – вылитый папа!
-Это не страшно, был бы здоров!

Ни какой лесной олень не унесёт нас в страну оленью. Мы живем в стране оленей.

Completely misunderstood pride month. Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

My girlfriend poked me in the eye.
I stopped seeing her after a while.

Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I'm a gift.

“The purpose of literature is to turn blood into ink.”
-- T S Eliot

The internet is great because it gives everyone a voice. It also sucks because it gives everyone a voice.

Dad: Someone here is possessed by an Owl.

Son: Who?
Dad: Mhmm guess we found it

“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour.”

- Elon Musk

Кто богаты, те и рады.

To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

My wife says after all these year’s I still take her breath away.
Good to know my farts are sill effective!

I really look up to my tall friends.

Psychology says, if you get a gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.

Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?

He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.

To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake

Haha in your face.

James Cameron wanted to cast Chuck Norris for the role of The Terminator but Chuck Norris wasn’t interested in doing a documentary.

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

People who try to destroy the country and fail are called traitors and the ones who succeed? They're called politicians.

What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

What do you call a place where the animals practice martial arts?

A Jujit-zoo.

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

I'd like to give a whisper out to librarians everywhere.

Он:
- Мы с тобой уже три месяца встречаемся и ни разу не ссорились!
Она:
- Это ты так думаешь.

"Tell me, and I forget, teach me, and I may remember, involve me, and I learn."

- Benjamin Franklin

If it wasn't for my faults, I'd be perfect.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

I'm thankful for the Foo Fighters because I've never felt threatened by a foo and that means they're doing a heck of a job on the frontlines.