Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Сколько вам лет?
- Мне ближе к 30 чем к 20.
- 27?
- 46.

If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

My grand-daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas. I went to our local pet shop and they were charging $70.
Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
- Carl Jung

Losing toxic people is a win.

Psychology says a mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

ATTENTION ATTENTION.
The local Procrastinator’s Club meeting has been postponed for tonight. Probably won’t happen tomorrow either. Maybe the day after tomorrow but don’t hold your breath about that. We’re still looking for a meeting place.

My dog likes everyone. It's me you have to worry about.

If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

Forgive people for your peace of mind, not theirs.

The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.
― Albert Einstein

I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents.
- Elon Musk

If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.

- А я клубнику не очень люблю.
- Аллергия?
- Нет. Она презервативами пахнет.

Turned up to
the barbers with
hare on my head.
They said
"Sorry, we don't
do rabbits"

Fun fact:
A lighthouse is actually very heavy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited.
Because I know she's legal, and willing to do stuff she may regret.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

"Showing off is the fool's idea of glory."

- Bruce Lee

Sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests.

- Привет, я прибыл из будущего. Какой сейчас год?
- 2020-й.
- Ага, значит, десятилетний карантин только начался...

По законам Непала, гражданином этой страны считается любой ребёнок, зачатый непальцем и непалкой.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!

Just because I don’t know the words doesn’t mean I won’t sing.

WIFE: I'm concerned about my husband, for the past few days he's been seeing spots!

FRIEND: Has he seen a doctor?"

WIFE: No, just spots.

My wife just sent me a strange text message.

"There's a man on the bus next to me who keeps farting."

I replied, "That's okay. At least he isn't on your bus."

Ты молода, пока в чулки суёшь свои ноги, а не лук.

— Беня, это правда, что ты женишься на Соне только потому, что у неё много денег?
— Враньё! Я женюсь на ней потому, что у меня нет ни гроша.

Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

I'm just saying if you are fishing with a dotted line, you'll catch every other fish.

Got attacked by a bacon tree the other day. Turned out to be a hambush.

Psychology says, You become unstoppable when you realize that you can do it alone.

"Avoid negative people. They have a problem with every solution."

- Albert Einstain

If you've seen the bottom, you're ready for the top.

I'm just saying if I post a bird joke, I would definitely get cheep laughs.

Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.

My friend is trying to get in the Guiness Book of Records for counting backwards from a million...
He says he'll stop at nothing!

On the freeway today I passed a guy with a loom on his front seat.
He was weaving all over the place.

I'd talk to my wife more during sex if I were better at dialing the phone with one hand.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I was asked to define the word 'crumb' – it wasn't hard for me. I mean it was a piece of cake.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

My laptop is cold.
I think I left windows open.

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

— У вас ацетилсалициловая кислота есть?
— Аспирин, что ли?
— Да. Всё время забываю это слово.

What does a magician penguin say? "Pick a cod, any cod..."

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy...

Most people think the worst thing about a cold is the persistent cough…but it’s snot…

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing"

What do you call an ice cream that parties too hard?
Out of CONEtrol.

Boy Georges reptile bites 5 people in one day

He needs a calmer chameleon.

The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the word "Eat"

“Why do tomorrow what you can do today?”

― Benjamin Franklin

Won the Postman of the Year competition - absolutely mailed it! Now, I'll be expecting a far bigger post.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words.

My friend is very excited to be hired as a branch manager at the local Christmas tree store…

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.

Due to a sudden shortage of instructors, yoga students are being asked to be much more flexible.

I'm just saying people who collect magazines have a lot of issues, that's all.

Just saw a car with an "I support dyslexia!" bumper sticker...

...on the FRONT bumper.

My dentist is originally from Boston.
I hate going to see him, as you always know it's going to be more than a filling.

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own self."
- Montaigne

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat.

The weights do.

Which insect is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

"Me dijeron que para enamorarla tenía que hacerla sonreír. El problema es que cada vez que sonríe, me enamoro yo". Bob Marley

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

If a guy asks "Do you lift?" he probably means weights. If a girl asks you, she probably means toilet seats.

I wish I loved anything as much as my shower curtain loved sticking to my leg.

Did I tell you all I have a book coming out soon.??.

Really shouldn't have eaten it in the first place ..