Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

On the freeway today I passed a guy with a loom on his front seat.
He was weaving all over the place.

I'd talk to my wife more during sex if I were better at dialing the phone with one hand.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I was asked to define the word 'crumb' – it wasn't hard for me. I mean it was a piece of cake.

Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

My laptop is cold.
I think I left windows open.

Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.

— У вас ацетилсалициловая кислота есть?
— Аспирин, что ли?
— Да. Всё время забываю это слово.

What does a magician penguin say? "Pick a cod, any cod..."

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy...

Most people think the worst thing about a cold is the persistent cough…but it’s snot…

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing"

What do you call an ice cream that parties too hard?
Out of CONEtrol.

Boy Georges reptile bites 5 people in one day

He needs a calmer chameleon.

The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the word "Eat"

“Why do tomorrow what you can do today?”

― Benjamin Franklin

Won the Postman of the Year competition - absolutely mailed it! Now, I'll be expecting a far bigger post.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words.

My friend is very excited to be hired as a branch manager at the local Christmas tree store…

"I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”
Richard Bach

I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.

Due to a sudden shortage of instructors, yoga students are being asked to be much more flexible.

I'm just saying people who collect magazines have a lot of issues, that's all.

Just saw a car with an "I support dyslexia!" bumper sticker...

...on the FRONT bumper.

My dentist is originally from Boston.
I hate going to see him, as you always know it's going to be more than a filling.

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own self."
- Montaigne

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat.

The weights do.

Which insect is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

"Me dijeron que para enamorarla tenía que hacerla sonreír. El problema es que cada vez que sonríe, me enamoro yo". Bob Marley

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

If a guy asks "Do you lift?" he probably means weights. If a girl asks you, she probably means toilet seats.

I wish I loved anything as much as my shower curtain loved sticking to my leg.

Did I tell you all I have a book coming out soon.??.

Really shouldn't have eaten it in the first place ..

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am…

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you...

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes Me: I can’t I’m busy working. Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?

No te desesperes, las mejores cosas suceden cuando menos las esperas.

I don't care what anyone else believes. I just need to be better than the day before.
- Shayde

Musicians are like regular people but poor.

- доктор, мой муж страдает от алкоголизма.
- пьет?
- нет, я пью, а он страдает.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

Study mathematics to understand physics

Study physics to understand chemistry

Study chemistry to understand biology

Study biology to understand psychology

Study psychology to understand economics

Study economics and philosophy to be free

Mandatory anagram = Damn a Tory

EXHAUSTIPATED - Adjective, for when one is too tired to give a shit.

“If you FAIL to PLAN. You PLAN to FAIL.”
― Ben Franklin

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

У начальников все пальцы на руках указательные.

I've decided to become a judge so I can declare all my pleasures not guilty.

Spoke to some scientists who were studying the odder aspects of fog. They were mystified.

Never let anyone get too comfortable with disrespecting you. You can still have a soft soul without allowing bullshit behaviour.

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

Клизма, знай свое место.

Why are most politicians in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.

I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

I like going to the gym

But everything there is really heavy.

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry.

I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.

Some people are like acronyms, you don’t know what the fuck they stand for.

"You will never understand something well unless you can explain it to your grandmother"
- Albert Einstein

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people."
- Carl Jung

You have to watch out for urologists. They only look after number one.

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates

I'm really excited whenever my tweet gets two likes. It's not every day I amuse both my parents.

I wonder if the planet earth teases other planets for having no life.

How much do I like purple..??
More than red and blue combined.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful."
- Seneca