Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The human body makes enough electricity to scream at your husband for not putting the bins out.

La culpa la tiene Barney por hacerme creer que si te quiero yo, tú me vas a querer a mí, maldito dinosaurio.

If you’re experiencing joint pain,
you’re probably holding the lit end.

Счастье - это, когда судьба встречается с мечтой...

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !

В жизни всегда есть место подвигу. Главное — держаться от этого места подальше.

You can always win an argument if you push them down the stairs.

I told my Psychiatrist I was hearing voices.

He said, "You don't have a Psychiatrist".

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
C.S. Lewis

“He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”
― Benjamin Franklin

"The first method for estimating the intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him."
- Niccolo Machiavelli

Поиск истины сильно ускорится, если начать его не со спора, а с драки.

Dance like nobody’s watching .
Sing like nobody’s listening.
Tweet like nobody gives a fuck.

I was going to submit myself to an intestine transplant, but I didn’t have the guts to do it.

Интуиция - мать предчувствия и сестра разочарования.

Psychology says, train yourself to see people for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Stove Top stuffing does NOT mean sex in the kitchen. I know that now.

If the TV show "Cops" taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces.
They always seem to attract trouble.

Моя подруга - инстаграмщица.
А я - просто стограмщик. Но истории у меня гораздо интереснее.

Maturity is when your brain screams "fuck you" and your fingers type "have a great day".

I'm always funny, except when I'm not.

Оно было настолько стеснительное, что с детства боялось посмотреть, мальчик оно или девочка.

I saw a yogurt floating across my kitchen. I think it might be paranormal activia.

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

Its easier to fool the people than to convince them they are fooled.!
- Mark Twain

— Представляете, у нас один мальчик траву ел!
— Может, это щавель был?
— Нет, это мальчик был!

Holiday Special !
Free bungee jumps to any politician.
No strings attached.

I'm addicted to pressing the F1 key on my computer. I'm trying to get help.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

Until someone let the cat out the bag.

The best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had was apple pie.

How do two arsonists hook up?

A match on tinder.

Из разговора в очереди:
- Ты представляешь Сара, он таки послал меня на три буквы!
- А ты?
- А шо я? - я сказала: "Молодой человек, я там была, больше чем Вы на свежем воздухе."

- Сарочка, деточка, подставляй ручки, я тебе конфет насыплю!
- А давайте лучше папе!
- Какая добрая милая девочка!
- Просто у папы руки больше!

At the gym, I decided to hop on the treadmill.

People gave me weird looks so I started jogging instead..

Доктор пациенту:
- Как вам новые свечи от бессонницы?
Пациент:
- Замечательно, доктор, не успеваю даже вытащить палец...

Я отвечаю на все СМС-ки. Просто на некоторые — устно.

My wife wants me to slap her arse when we have sex.

She said it will stop her falling asleep!

Главная кадровая проблема в том, что назначают на должности верных, а спрашивают как с умных...

Оля постоянно путает противозачаточные таблетки с успокоительными.
Теперь у неё девять детей, но ей пофиг.

My wife told me no one is coming over for Thanksgiving and I can sit in my underwear all day, so much to be thankful for.

Пьяные челябинские рыбаки ночью поймали русалку. Наутро оказалось, что это сом, и всем стало стыдно...

Пациент - психиатру:
- Доктор, за мной 40 лет ходят черноглазые бородатые люди.
- Так. Понятно... Ваше имя?
- Моисей.

I was born in 1958. That's the room right next to 1957.

Twitter is a great reminder how funny psychopaths can be from a safe distance.

Молодость прекрасна в любом возрасте.

The intimacy of farting in the presence of each other.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

Benjamin Disraeli

— Бэримор, что у нас сегодня на завтрак?
— Солянка, сэр.
— А почему не овсянка?
— Подлянка, сэр.

Psychology says, Not caring what people think and growing at your own pace is self-care.

“He who is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else.”

― Benjamin Franklin

Just a reminder:
If the Indians had shot a donkey instead of a turkey, you'd all be getting a piece of Ass for Thanksgiving.

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

Roses are red
Violets are potato
This poem doesn't rhyme
Toaster

Psychology says People start hating you when they cannot control you.

I love playing with marbles and dice. It's just the way I roll.

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

Basically English is what happened when Vikings learned Latin and used it to shout at Germans.

Я не влюблен в себя. Просто нравлюсь...

Pro Tip: If you refer to a song as a “track,” people are more likely to believe you were the producer.

When I got married my Dad gave me a single bit of wisdom.

Even when you win the argument with your wife, you've lost.

We have. Double door refrigerator. On the left side we keep the leftovers. Wanna guess what we keep on the right side?

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”
― Benjamin Franklin

Psychology says people who hide their feelings usually care the most.

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

Okay, so...I just got kicked out of another coffee shop... it had a sign that read... "No WIFI - Pretend it's the Old Days!"... so I lit up a smoke and paid 50 cents for my coffee...

When my son was born, I knew that I would love him forever, with a slight break between 12 and 21.

You only like the pen-clicking noise when you are the one making it.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

𝘚𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳; 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

—𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘦

Me: you're like the brother I never had

Friend: thanks man

My brother: what the hell

How does a demon stay fit?
He exorcises.

Cows don't actually earn very much money, so please don't forget to tip your cows.

It was so cold this morning, that I actually saw a GANGSTER pull up his pants.

I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

I'm going to release it myself.