Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am…

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you...

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes Me: I can’t I’m busy working. Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?

No te desesperes, las mejores cosas suceden cuando menos las esperas.

I don't care what anyone else believes. I just need to be better than the day before.
- Shayde

Musicians are like regular people but poor.

- доктор, мой муж страдает от алкоголизма.
- пьет?
- нет, я пью, а он страдает.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

Study mathematics to understand physics

Study physics to understand chemistry

Study chemistry to understand biology

Study biology to understand psychology

Study psychology to understand economics

Study economics and philosophy to be free

Mandatory anagram = Damn a Tory

EXHAUSTIPATED - Adjective, for when one is too tired to give a shit.

“If you FAIL to PLAN. You PLAN to FAIL.”
― Ben Franklin

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

У начальников все пальцы на руках указательные.

I've decided to become a judge so I can declare all my pleasures not guilty.

Spoke to some scientists who were studying the odder aspects of fog. They were mystified.

Never let anyone get too comfortable with disrespecting you. You can still have a soft soul without allowing bullshit behaviour.

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

Клизма, знай свое место.

Why are most politicians in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.

I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

I like going to the gym

But everything there is really heavy.

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry.

I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.

Some people are like acronyms, you don’t know what the fuck they stand for.

"You will never understand something well unless you can explain it to your grandmother"
- Albert Einstein

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people."
- Carl Jung

You have to watch out for urologists. They only look after number one.

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates

I'm really excited whenever my tweet gets two likes. It's not every day I amuse both my parents.

I wonder if the planet earth teases other planets for having no life.

How much do I like purple..??
More than red and blue combined.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful."
- Seneca

Psychology says you should be private. Never tell people more than they need to know.

I wonder if the clothes in China say, 'Made around the corner.'

Die Hard implies the existence of Der Hard and Das Hard.

"Don't listen to the person who has the answers; listen to the person who has the questions."
- Albert Einstein

- Что будете пить? Настойку или наливку?
- Если вы настаиваете, то настойку, а если наливаете, то наливку.
- У нас самообслуживание.
- Тогда самогонку.

Some people work for free and are still overpaid.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

"Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved!

That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly."
- Leo Tolstoy

Did you know Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor?

Her name is Cardi O.

That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes, and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

Be careful its windy out there!
Only went out to get the Mrs some bread and I got blown into the pub.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

The human body makes enough electricity to scream at your husband for not putting the bins out.

La culpa la tiene Barney por hacerme creer que si te quiero yo, tú me vas a querer a mí, maldito dinosaurio.

If you’re experiencing joint pain,
you’re probably holding the lit end.

Счастье - это, когда судьба встречается с мечтой...

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !

В жизни всегда есть место подвигу. Главное — держаться от этого места подальше.

You can always win an argument if you push them down the stairs.

I told my Psychiatrist I was hearing voices.

He said, "You don't have a Psychiatrist".

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
C.S. Lewis

“He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”
― Benjamin Franklin

"The first method for estimating the intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him."
- Niccolo Machiavelli

Поиск истины сильно ускорится, если начать его не со спора, а с драки.

Dance like nobody’s watching .
Sing like nobody’s listening.
Tweet like nobody gives a fuck.

I was going to submit myself to an intestine transplant, but I didn’t have the guts to do it.

Интуиция - мать предчувствия и сестра разочарования.

Psychology says, train yourself to see people for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Stove Top stuffing does NOT mean sex in the kitchen. I know that now.

If the TV show "Cops" taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces.
They always seem to attract trouble.

Моя подруга - инстаграмщица.
А я - просто стограмщик. Но истории у меня гораздо интереснее.

Maturity is when your brain screams "fuck you" and your fingers type "have a great day".

I'm always funny, except when I'm not.

Оно было настолько стеснительное, что с детства боялось посмотреть, мальчик оно или девочка.

I saw a yogurt floating across my kitchen. I think it might be paranormal activia.

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

Its easier to fool the people than to convince them they are fooled.!
- Mark Twain

— Представляете, у нас один мальчик траву ел!
— Может, это щавель был?
— Нет, это мальчик был!

Holiday Special !
Free bungee jumps to any politician.
No strings attached.

I'm addicted to pressing the F1 key on my computer. I'm trying to get help.