Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

Until someone let the cat out the bag.

The best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had was apple pie.

How do two arsonists hook up?

A match on tinder.

Из разговора в очереди:
- Ты представляешь Сара, он таки послал меня на три буквы!
- А ты?
- А шо я? - я сказала: "Молодой человек, я там была, больше чем Вы на свежем воздухе."

- Сарочка, деточка, подставляй ручки, я тебе конфет насыплю!
- А давайте лучше папе!
- Какая добрая милая девочка!
- Просто у папы руки больше!

At the gym, I decided to hop on the treadmill.

People gave me weird looks so I started jogging instead..

Доктор пациенту:
- Как вам новые свечи от бессонницы?
Пациент:
- Замечательно, доктор, не успеваю даже вытащить палец...

Я отвечаю на все СМС-ки. Просто на некоторые — устно.

My wife wants me to slap her arse when we have sex.

She said it will stop her falling asleep!

Главная кадровая проблема в том, что назначают на должности верных, а спрашивают как с умных...

Оля постоянно путает противозачаточные таблетки с успокоительными.
Теперь у неё девять детей, но ей пофиг.

My wife told me no one is coming over for Thanksgiving and I can sit in my underwear all day, so much to be thankful for.

Пьяные челябинские рыбаки ночью поймали русалку. Наутро оказалось, что это сом, и всем стало стыдно...

Пациент - психиатру:
- Доктор, за мной 40 лет ходят черноглазые бородатые люди.
- Так. Понятно... Ваше имя?
- Моисей.

I was born in 1958. That's the room right next to 1957.

Twitter is a great reminder how funny psychopaths can be from a safe distance.

Молодость прекрасна в любом возрасте.

The intimacy of farting in the presence of each other.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

Benjamin Disraeli

— Бэримор, что у нас сегодня на завтрак?
— Солянка, сэр.
— А почему не овсянка?
— Подлянка, сэр.

Psychology says, Not caring what people think and growing at your own pace is self-care.

“He who is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else.”

― Benjamin Franklin

Just a reminder:
If the Indians had shot a donkey instead of a turkey, you'd all be getting a piece of Ass for Thanksgiving.

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

Roses are red
Violets are potato
This poem doesn't rhyme
Toaster

Psychology says People start hating you when they cannot control you.

I love playing with marbles and dice. It's just the way I roll.

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

Basically English is what happened when Vikings learned Latin and used it to shout at Germans.

Я не влюблен в себя. Просто нравлюсь...

Pro Tip: If you refer to a song as a “track,” people are more likely to believe you were the producer.

When I got married my Dad gave me a single bit of wisdom.

Even when you win the argument with your wife, you've lost.

We have. Double door refrigerator. On the left side we keep the leftovers. Wanna guess what we keep on the right side?

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”
― Benjamin Franklin

Psychology says people who hide their feelings usually care the most.

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

Okay, so...I just got kicked out of another coffee shop... it had a sign that read... "No WIFI - Pretend it's the Old Days!"... so I lit up a smoke and paid 50 cents for my coffee...

When my son was born, I knew that I would love him forever, with a slight break between 12 and 21.

You only like the pen-clicking noise when you are the one making it.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

𝘚𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳; 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

—𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘦

Me: you're like the brother I never had

Friend: thanks man

My brother: what the hell

How does a demon stay fit?
He exorcises.

Cows don't actually earn very much money, so please don't forget to tip your cows.

It was so cold this morning, that I actually saw a GANGSTER pull up his pants.

I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

I'm going to release it myself.

The Highway Safety Administration warns that you should never drive tired or distracted so I just sold my car.

"The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."

- Voltaire

Кто хочет, тот делает. А кто не хочет, тот выделывается.

Хочу научиться признавать свои ошибки. Хотя, кого я обманываю, какие у меня могут быть ошибки?

В супермаркетах, по большому счёту, продаются только две вещи. Пакеты для мусора. И мусор для пакетов.

I was bitten by a werewolf once.
Nothing serious.
Just enough to give me pause.

So I bought Monopoly: Chuck Norris edition. The only problem is he already won.

I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

- “How was escapology college?”
- “Terrible. I was there for six years!”
- “Tough course?”
- “No, I couldn’t find the way out.”

- “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
- “Will you be much longer?”
- “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Good luck sending me mixed signals, I dont even understand the direct ones.

My wife of 30 years became a Nun.
Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon & Nun at Night!!..

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

Коля волнуется раз.
Лёха волнуется два.
Саша волнуется три.
Оля пошла на УЗИ.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

Приятно когда тебя ждут дома,
собака радуется, жена гавкает.

Wife got pulled over for speeding ,she tells the cop , hey aren't you the cop who doesn't give tickets to PRETTY women ? Yes I am,now sign here.

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.

Being an adult means having to schedule specific times to cry.

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year.

I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

Getting older is cool bc you not only detect bullshit quicker, but you also lose all tolerance for it.

I can’t sleep in hotels. I have innsomnia…

- Расскажите о себе вкратце.
- Я люблю рок и колбасу.

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

“I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents”

- Elon Musk