Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The Highway Safety Administration warns that you should never drive tired or distracted so I just sold my car.

"The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."

- Voltaire

Кто хочет, тот делает. А кто не хочет, тот выделывается.

Хочу научиться признавать свои ошибки. Хотя, кого я обманываю, какие у меня могут быть ошибки?

В супермаркетах, по большому счёту, продаются только две вещи. Пакеты для мусора. И мусор для пакетов.

I was bitten by a werewolf once.
Nothing serious.
Just enough to give me pause.

So I bought Monopoly: Chuck Norris edition. The only problem is he already won.

I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

- “How was escapology college?”
- “Terrible. I was there for six years!”
- “Tough course?”
- “No, I couldn’t find the way out.”

- “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
- “Will you be much longer?”
- “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Good luck sending me mixed signals, I dont even understand the direct ones.

My wife of 30 years became a Nun.
Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon & Nun at Night!!..

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

Коля волнуется раз.
Лёха волнуется два.
Саша волнуется три.
Оля пошла на УЗИ.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

Приятно когда тебя ждут дома,
собака радуется, жена гавкает.

Wife got pulled over for speeding ,she tells the cop , hey aren't you the cop who doesn't give tickets to PRETTY women ? Yes I am,now sign here.

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.

Being an adult means having to schedule specific times to cry.

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year.

I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

Getting older is cool bc you not only detect bullshit quicker, but you also lose all tolerance for it.

I can’t sleep in hotels. I have innsomnia…

- Расскажите о себе вкратце.
- Я люблю рок и колбасу.

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

“I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents”

- Elon Musk

If my wife doesn't win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

"Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore."

- Albert Einstein

"Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression."
- Pythagoras

Welcome to adulthood. Just getting out of bed is parkour now.

Are you really happily married or do you have Stockholm syndrome?

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I’ve been working on a fitness app for insects.

I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The way you make a family is not family-friendly.

Some people have wavy hair. Mine waved goodbye.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Etch A Sketches are remarkable.

her: there's a spider in the bath

me: ok, I'll get him a little towel

En la peluquería:

—Quedó bien, gracias.

En casa:

—¡ME CAGO EN LA PUTA MADRE!, ¿QUE MIERDA ME HIZO EN LA CABEZA ESTE HIJO DE PUTA?

“Let me be absolutely clear…”

-The Invisible Man to a genie

I think i can become a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Q: Where does a killer whale go for braces?
A: The orca-dontist.

My aeronautical engineer Italian cousin spoke only plane English.

How does the tree stay fit?

He planks.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?

A: When everyone's eaten.

Совесть - это оберег от хорошей жизни.

- Почему ты не моешь ноги?
- Это ниже моего достоинства.

I was sent off during the cricket match for throwing roll-on deodorant at the batsmen. Apparently, you’re not meant to bowl under-arm.

Psychology says, not everyone deserves access to you, it's okay to create boundaries to protect your peace.

Psychology says, feelings are temporary; decisions are permanent.

Welcome to your fifties, you’re really good at multitasking now but you no longer want to.

Миф о том, что женщинам нужны только деньги, придумали мужчины, у которых денег нет.

I'm trying to sell rain covers for traders' stalls, but the market is already saturated.

I tried to work at Starbucks once,
but I got tired of the
Daily Grind!

Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.

- Батюшка, можно я не буду поститься?
- Не постись. Твои посты, все равно никто не читает!

“Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones”

― Benjamin Franklin

- Сарочка, расскажите нам за ваш бурный роман с Сёмой?
- Ну, что сказать, секс с ним конечно - улётный, а когда после секса он мне ещё и денег даёт, так это вообще - космос.

"Awareness of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom."

- Socrates

I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real shit!

— О, дорогая, ты никогда не варила такой вкусный кофе!
— Дай сюда, это мой!

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Хочешь быть счастливым?
Будь им!
Главное чтоб жена не узнала.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

- Winnie the Pooh

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

Influencers are celebrities who paparazzi themselves for a living.

Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

If there is anybody alone and have no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

Я не буду менять линолеум. Я передумал, ибо мир обречён.
Сергей Довлатов.

Shout out to people in crowded restaurants who can’t understand what anyone is saying.

I mean me. Shout out to me, please.

I sign into Facebook once a week to "like" my wife's status updates, so don't tell me that married people don't communicate.

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."
- Carl Jung

So back in June, I started saving 20 dollar bills for my Christmas shopping, by hiding them from myself in the freezer. Now I have "cold, hard cash" in a "frozen" investment.