Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You only like the pen-clicking noise when you are the one making it.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

𝘚𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳; 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

—𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘏𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘦

Me: you're like the brother I never had

Friend: thanks man

My brother: what the hell

How does a demon stay fit?
He exorcises.

Cows don't actually earn very much money, so please don't forget to tip your cows.

It was so cold this morning, that I actually saw a GANGSTER pull up his pants.

I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

All we need in life is someone who thinks about us the way I think about mashed potatoes.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

I'm going to release it myself.

The Highway Safety Administration warns that you should never drive tired or distracted so I just sold my car.

"The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."

- Voltaire

Кто хочет, тот делает. А кто не хочет, тот выделывается.

Хочу научиться признавать свои ошибки. Хотя, кого я обманываю, какие у меня могут быть ошибки?

В супермаркетах, по большому счёту, продаются только две вещи. Пакеты для мусора. И мусор для пакетов.

I was bitten by a werewolf once.
Nothing serious.
Just enough to give me pause.

So I bought Monopoly: Chuck Norris edition. The only problem is he already won.

I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

- “How was escapology college?”
- “Terrible. I was there for six years!”
- “Tough course?”
- “No, I couldn’t find the way out.”

- “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
- “Will you be much longer?”
- “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Good luck sending me mixed signals, I dont even understand the direct ones.

My wife of 30 years became a Nun.
Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon & Nun at Night!!..

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

Коля волнуется раз.
Лёха волнуется два.
Саша волнуется три.
Оля пошла на УЗИ.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

Приятно когда тебя ждут дома,
собака радуется, жена гавкает.

Wife got pulled over for speeding ,she tells the cop , hey aren't you the cop who doesn't give tickets to PRETTY women ? Yes I am,now sign here.

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.

Being an adult means having to schedule specific times to cry.

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year.

I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

Getting older is cool bc you not only detect bullshit quicker, but you also lose all tolerance for it.

I can’t sleep in hotels. I have innsomnia…

- Расскажите о себе вкратце.
- Я люблю рок и колбасу.

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

“I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents”

- Elon Musk

If my wife doesn't win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

"Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore."

- Albert Einstein

"Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression."
- Pythagoras

Welcome to adulthood. Just getting out of bed is parkour now.

Are you really happily married or do you have Stockholm syndrome?

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I’ve been working on a fitness app for insects.

I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The way you make a family is not family-friendly.

Some people have wavy hair. Mine waved goodbye.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Etch A Sketches are remarkable.

her: there's a spider in the bath

me: ok, I'll get him a little towel

En la peluquería:

—Quedó bien, gracias.

En casa:

—¡ME CAGO EN LA PUTA MADRE!, ¿QUE MIERDA ME HIZO EN LA CABEZA ESTE HIJO DE PUTA?

“Let me be absolutely clear…”

-The Invisible Man to a genie

I think i can become a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Q: Where does a killer whale go for braces?
A: The orca-dontist.

My aeronautical engineer Italian cousin spoke only plane English.

How does the tree stay fit?

He planks.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?

A: When everyone's eaten.

Совесть - это оберег от хорошей жизни.

- Почему ты не моешь ноги?
- Это ниже моего достоинства.

I was sent off during the cricket match for throwing roll-on deodorant at the batsmen. Apparently, you’re not meant to bowl under-arm.

Psychology says, not everyone deserves access to you, it's okay to create boundaries to protect your peace.

Psychology says, feelings are temporary; decisions are permanent.

Welcome to your fifties, you’re really good at multitasking now but you no longer want to.

Миф о том, что женщинам нужны только деньги, придумали мужчины, у которых денег нет.

I'm trying to sell rain covers for traders' stalls, but the market is already saturated.

I tried to work at Starbucks once,
but I got tired of the
Daily Grind!

Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.

- Батюшка, можно я не буду поститься?
- Не постись. Твои посты, все равно никто не читает!

“Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones”

― Benjamin Franklin

- Сарочка, расскажите нам за ваш бурный роман с Сёмой?
- Ну, что сказать, секс с ним конечно - улётный, а когда после секса он мне ещё и денег даёт, так это вообще - космос.

"Awareness of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom."

- Socrates

I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real shit!

— О, дорогая, ты никогда не варила такой вкусный кофе!
— Дай сюда, это мой!

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Хочешь быть счастливым?
Будь им!
Главное чтоб жена не узнала.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

- Winnie the Pooh