Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If my wife doesn't win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

"Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore."

- Albert Einstein

"Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression."
- Pythagoras

Welcome to adulthood. Just getting out of bed is parkour now.

Are you really happily married or do you have Stockholm syndrome?

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I’ve been working on a fitness app for insects.

I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The way you make a family is not family-friendly.

Some people have wavy hair. Mine waved goodbye.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Etch A Sketches are remarkable.

her: there's a spider in the bath

me: ok, I'll get him a little towel

En la peluquería:

—Quedó bien, gracias.

En casa:

—¡ME CAGO EN LA PUTA MADRE!, ¿QUE MIERDA ME HIZO EN LA CABEZA ESTE HIJO DE PUTA?

“Let me be absolutely clear…”

-The Invisible Man to a genie

I think i can become a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Q: Where does a killer whale go for braces?
A: The orca-dontist.

My aeronautical engineer Italian cousin spoke only plane English.

How does the tree stay fit?

He planks.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?

A: When everyone's eaten.

Совесть - это оберег от хорошей жизни.

- Почему ты не моешь ноги?
- Это ниже моего достоинства.

I was sent off during the cricket match for throwing roll-on deodorant at the batsmen. Apparently, you’re not meant to bowl under-arm.

Psychology says, not everyone deserves access to you, it's okay to create boundaries to protect your peace.

Psychology says, feelings are temporary; decisions are permanent.

Welcome to your fifties, you’re really good at multitasking now but you no longer want to.

Миф о том, что женщинам нужны только деньги, придумали мужчины, у которых денег нет.

I'm trying to sell rain covers for traders' stalls, but the market is already saturated.

I tried to work at Starbucks once,
but I got tired of the
Daily Grind!

Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.

- Батюшка, можно я не буду поститься?
- Не постись. Твои посты, все равно никто не читает!

“Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones”

― Benjamin Franklin

- Сарочка, расскажите нам за ваш бурный роман с Сёмой?
- Ну, что сказать, секс с ним конечно - улётный, а когда после секса он мне ещё и денег даёт, так это вообще - космос.

"Awareness of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom."

- Socrates

I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real shit!

— О, дорогая, ты никогда не варила такой вкусный кофе!
— Дай сюда, это мой!

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Хочешь быть счастливым?
Будь им!
Главное чтоб жена не узнала.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

- Winnie the Pooh

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

Influencers are celebrities who paparazzi themselves for a living.

Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

If there is anybody alone and have no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

Я не буду менять линолеум. Я передумал, ибо мир обречён.
Сергей Довлатов.

Shout out to people in crowded restaurants who can’t understand what anyone is saying.

I mean me. Shout out to me, please.

I sign into Facebook once a week to "like" my wife's status updates, so don't tell me that married people don't communicate.

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."
- Carl Jung

So back in June, I started saving 20 dollar bills for my Christmas shopping, by hiding them from myself in the freezer. Now I have "cold, hard cash" in a "frozen" investment.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut

What do you call a herd of giggling cows?

Laughing stock.

I'm planning my family holiday get-togethers, what wine pairs well with vigorous eye-rolling?

Dear radio stations. You do realize there is more than just 10 songs in the world, right?

Interviewer: And have you ever had a non-profit job before?

Me: Yes, all of them.

"A friend to all is a friend to none."
- Aristotle

Give it lady an inch, she'll want a foot. Givea lady a foot, she'll want a yard. Give a lady a yard and she'll want a pool in it!

Autocorrect walked into a bar… and the batman said why the log fence?

All men reach an age when they greet each other with "There he is."

I regret every fart I ever held in for you.

Доктор, я не против голосов в голове, как таковых, но меня убивает их провинциальный выговор!

An Elf and an Orc walk into a bar.

The Dwarf walks under it, laughing

Technically, the borders of Finland are
Finnish lines.

“Persistence is very important. You should not give up unless you are forced to give up.”
– Elon Musk

I read that pigs only sleep on their right side. Which finally explains why I can never get your mom to roll over.

I've had to close down my business making benchtops... It was counter productive.

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
I'm very much the 'Sun He Never Had'.

My High School reunion is coming up so I only have a few days to learn how to dance, have kids and get rich.

— Бояться пауков я начал после одного жуткого случая. Мне было тогда семь лет. Я сидел в кафе, ел мороженное. И тут, вдруг, внезапно... стал бояться пауков.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I believe that if life gives you lemons,you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines.
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin
But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.
Not even my virginity.