Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”
- David Foster Wallace

My wallet is always the same, there's never any change in it.

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have all these pictures of my dad telling me I'm a loser ?

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMCISED, I SAID because every woman will GRAB AT ANYTHING that has 20 percent off.

If you murder your best friend is that considered homiecide?

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

What if God came down one day and said "It's pronounced 'Jod' then left?

"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein

All these companies bragging about making plants taste like meat...

Cows have been doing that forever!

Top Five Reasons To Drink:

5. To celebrate
4. Socially
3. To forget
2. Because you can
1. Everything looks better when it’s blurry

Когда глаза парня и девушки впервые встретились, парень растерялся. То ли от того, что влюбился. То ли от того, что он в этот момент срал за гаражом.

As a teenager I used to make perfume for Barbies. But that’s just a-doll-essence.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

Keep it private until you know it’s permanent.

All the victims were either deaf, dumb or blind...
A police spokesperson said they were senseless crimes.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

My wife once found a hair in her salad at a reasonably "nice" restaurant. I told her it reminded me of a movie -- When Hairy Met Salad.

Used to wonder how Darth Vader ate with that mask on then I realised he's probably force fed.

"Is there a word in the English language that contains all the vowels?"

"Unquestionably!"

«Интеллигентная семья продаст двух фортепьянов и одну роялю. Мешаются в калидоре».

I crossed a Turkey with a ghost...........
Yep you got it Poultrygeist...........

Congratulating random women on their pregnancy is always a hit or miss scenario.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Loneliness is not being alone, it's a bliss.

The company that provides my VPN is anon profit organisation.

Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: A Sister-In-Law

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

I just found out I was dating a communist. I should have noticed the red flags sooner.

После первой брачной ночи молодой муж побежал на кухню, сделал кофе, принёс жене в постель. Та отпила и сказала:
- Кофе тоже слабый...

Alcohol is a solution, just not to your problems...

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

Prince charming: will you go to the ball with me?

Prince rude: wanna ball?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Yesterday I cried for four hours for no reason whatsoever so don't tell me I don't have hobbies.

There is no "i" in team. But there's an "i" in Tim, and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team". So there!

This nude zero-gravity training exercise has gone completely tits up.

"Don’t change the goal, change the plan."

"Patience is a key element of success."
~ Bill Gates

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

Si amas a alguien, déjalo dormir.

Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

Хочешь быть счастливым?
Будь им!
Главное чтоб жена не узнала.

I don’t like grammar Nazis in fact I don’t get on with any of my German relatives.

"Being poor is not having too little, it is wanting more."

- Seneca

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? You look a little pail.

Работа не волк. Работа — work.

Летящие голуби повысили в звании проходившего под ними офицера.

Умный мужчина никогда не кричит на женщину. Приказы отдаются спокойно, чётко и ясно.

I was so upset when my wife called me a hopeless drunk.

I thought that was the one thing I was really good at.

I'm selling some racing geese.

If you want have a quick gander give me a call.

A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.

Look at your habits, they are the ones dictating your life.

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Why aren't dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet!

According to psychology, silence is the best answer to someone who doesn’t value your words.

Choosing to care less is a form of self-care.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

To reduce my carbon footprint, I've decided not to wear my carbon shoes.

Meditation is just like: Go be bored for 15 minutes. It's good for you.

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together!

I recently saw an advert for a sleep prevention device,

I thought it was a real eye opener.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

- Who are those staff members who keep shrinking?
- Oh, they're just the contractors.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch them in the face.

Q: Why couldn't the kindergarten teacher see in the dark?

A: She has tiny pupils.

— Почему у тебя ботинки в помаде?
— По бабам ходил.

The best thing about being a man is not worrying about needing a new fall purse.

I like the quiet, but I know how to make noise.

“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.”
- Frederick Douglass

Sometimes I retweet people just to remind them they haven’t unfollowed me yet.

You’d be amazed at the things I don’t believe.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off at the bar.

"You become what you give your attention to."
- Epictetus

Что у трезвого на уме, то у пьяного в животе.