Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm selling some racing geese.

If you want have a quick gander give me a call.

A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.

Look at your habits, they are the ones dictating your life.

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Why aren't dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet!

According to psychology, silence is the best answer to someone who doesn’t value your words.

Choosing to care less is a form of self-care.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

To reduce my carbon footprint, I've decided not to wear my carbon shoes.

Meditation is just like: Go be bored for 15 minutes. It's good for you.

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together!

I recently saw an advert for a sleep prevention device,

I thought it was a real eye opener.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

- Who are those staff members who keep shrinking?
- Oh, they're just the contractors.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch them in the face.

Q: Why couldn't the kindergarten teacher see in the dark?

A: She has tiny pupils.

— Почему у тебя ботинки в помаде?
— По бабам ходил.

The best thing about being a man is not worrying about needing a new fall purse.

I like the quiet, but I know how to make noise.

“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.”
- Frederick Douglass

Sometimes I retweet people just to remind them they haven’t unfollowed me yet.

You’d be amazed at the things I don’t believe.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off at the bar.

"You become what you give your attention to."
- Epictetus

Что у трезвого на уме, то у пьяного в животе.

I ask my wife"what would you do if we won the lottery?
She said,"well I'd take my half,get a divorce and moved to Hawaii!"
I said" good news"as I handed her half of the $12.00 I just won on a scratch off. told her to stay in touch and enjoy her flight!

My friend had a breakdown which first manifested as a fear of barbers. After that, things got really hairy.

I like school. I just hate the learning part.

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

If you can't convince them... confuse them!

That awkward moment when you don't understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.

Your bio says taken but your lack of Liam Neeson pictures tell me otherwise.

I know he didn’t dream of me because he slept well.

I would be such an amazing, patient mother if it weren't for all these kids.

Y’all relationships truly inspire me..
To be single.

I just went to a cannibal themed restaurant... I thought it would cost an arm and a leg, but it was only $23 a head.

I liked it better when we got the news from Huey Lewis.

I wanted to be a Flasher until I found out they don't get paid!
They just do it for the Exposure?!?

I'm sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame yesterday...

If it wasn't him, it was a dead ringer.

We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

-Папа, можешь помочь мне с физикой?
-Конечно!
-Как умирают звёзды?
-В 27 лет и от передозировки…

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

You'll try the extreme anxiety of not being enough. Love makes us fragile.
G. G. Marquez.

"Only through suffering can we find ourselves."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

"When there is love you can live even without happiness."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

What country is filled with body builders?

Liftuania.

What do you call a snake without any clothing?
S-naked.

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching… my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Take forgiveness slowly. Don't blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come.
- Yoko Ono

A woman walks into a gun shop. It’s for my husband,

the owner asks "Did he tell you what calibre to get?"

Are you joking? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!

If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

“The closer the collapse of the Empire, the crazier its laws are.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Y’all better not ask Santa for someone sexy because i can’t be with everyone at once.

- Андрюшка, а у вас с Витюшей есть дети?
- Какие в жопу дети!

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true.

What do you get when you mix a tortoise with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

В пивной на Брайтон-Бич.
- Хаймович, ви совсем не умеете играть в футбол! Почему ви забили мяч в свои ворота на последней минуте?
- Ой-вей! Абраша, cкажу вам по секрету, я поспорил на пиво с Рабиновичем, что обязательно забью гол в этом матче!

Huge shout out to those that danced near the speakers in the 90s.

A waitress screamed Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted Hell, I know the whole alphabet

Everyone laughed..

Well everyone except this one guy.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
- Seneca

It’s important to stay hydrated but that doesn’t mean it’s ever OK to put ice in your whisky.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

К советам я отношусь с большим подозрением. Обычно хорошее бесплатно не раздают.

Nothing lasts longer than a video someone is showing you that you have no interest in.

Улыбка - это удостоверение оптимизма.

Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.

- Почему-то, когда вы улыбаетесь, один глаз у вас веселый, а другой грустный-грустный такой.
- Веселый это искусственный.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer...

—Mamá, esos niños se burlan de que no tengo brazos.
—¿Cuáles?
—¡Esos!
—Señálalos que no los veo, JAJAJAJAJA.
—Ay mamá, te odio.

— Не надо, Стёпа! Стё-па, опа, опа, опа…

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.

В гаремах нет плохих танцоров.