Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

Influencers are celebrities who paparazzi themselves for a living.

Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

If there is anybody alone and have no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

Я не буду менять линолеум. Я передумал, ибо мир обречён.
Сергей Довлатов.

Shout out to people in crowded restaurants who can’t understand what anyone is saying.

I mean me. Shout out to me, please.

I sign into Facebook once a week to "like" my wife's status updates, so don't tell me that married people don't communicate.

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."
- Carl Jung

So back in June, I started saving 20 dollar bills for my Christmas shopping, by hiding them from myself in the freezer. Now I have "cold, hard cash" in a "frozen" investment.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut

What do you call a herd of giggling cows?

Laughing stock.

I'm planning my family holiday get-togethers, what wine pairs well with vigorous eye-rolling?

Dear radio stations. You do realize there is more than just 10 songs in the world, right?

Interviewer: And have you ever had a non-profit job before?

Me: Yes, all of them.

"A friend to all is a friend to none."
- Aristotle

Give it lady an inch, she'll want a foot. Givea lady a foot, she'll want a yard. Give a lady a yard and she'll want a pool in it!

Autocorrect walked into a bar… and the batman said why the log fence?

All men reach an age when they greet each other with "There he is."

I regret every fart I ever held in for you.

Доктор, я не против голосов в голове, как таковых, но меня убивает их провинциальный выговор!

An Elf and an Orc walk into a bar.

The Dwarf walks under it, laughing

Technically, the borders of Finland are
Finnish lines.

“Persistence is very important. You should not give up unless you are forced to give up.”
– Elon Musk

I read that pigs only sleep on their right side. Which finally explains why I can never get your mom to roll over.

I've had to close down my business making benchtops... It was counter productive.

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
I'm very much the 'Sun He Never Had'.

My High School reunion is coming up so I only have a few days to learn how to dance, have kids and get rich.

— Бояться пауков я начал после одного жуткого случая. Мне было тогда семь лет. Я сидел в кафе, ел мороженное. И тут, вдруг, внезапно... стал бояться пауков.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I believe that if life gives you lemons,you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines.
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin
But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.
Not even my virginity.

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”
- David Foster Wallace

My wallet is always the same, there's never any change in it.

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have all these pictures of my dad telling me I'm a loser ?

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMCISED, I SAID because every woman will GRAB AT ANYTHING that has 20 percent off.

If you murder your best friend is that considered homiecide?

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

What if God came down one day and said "It's pronounced 'Jod' then left?

"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein

All these companies bragging about making plants taste like meat...

Cows have been doing that forever!

Top Five Reasons To Drink:

5. To celebrate
4. Socially
3. To forget
2. Because you can
1. Everything looks better when it’s blurry

Когда глаза парня и девушки впервые встретились, парень растерялся. То ли от того, что влюбился. То ли от того, что он в этот момент срал за гаражом.

As a teenager I used to make perfume for Barbies. But that’s just a-doll-essence.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

Keep it private until you know it’s permanent.

All the victims were either deaf, dumb or blind...
A police spokesperson said they were senseless crimes.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

My wife once found a hair in her salad at a reasonably "nice" restaurant. I told her it reminded me of a movie -- When Hairy Met Salad.

Used to wonder how Darth Vader ate with that mask on then I realised he's probably force fed.

"Is there a word in the English language that contains all the vowels?"

"Unquestionably!"

«Интеллигентная семья продаст двух фортепьянов и одну роялю. Мешаются в калидоре».

I crossed a Turkey with a ghost...........
Yep you got it Poultrygeist...........

Congratulating random women on their pregnancy is always a hit or miss scenario.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Loneliness is not being alone, it's a bliss.

The company that provides my VPN is anon profit organisation.

Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: A Sister-In-Law

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

I just found out I was dating a communist. I should have noticed the red flags sooner.

После первой брачной ночи молодой муж побежал на кухню, сделал кофе, принёс жене в постель. Та отпила и сказала:
- Кофе тоже слабый...

Alcohol is a solution, just not to your problems...

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

Prince charming: will you go to the ball with me?

Prince rude: wanna ball?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Yesterday I cried for four hours for no reason whatsoever so don't tell me I don't have hobbies.

There is no "i" in team. But there's an "i" in Tim, and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team". So there!

This nude zero-gravity training exercise has gone completely tits up.

"Don’t change the goal, change the plan."