Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My girlfriend and I complement each other perfectly. I like to travel, and she doesn’t want me around.

- Дрочишь?
- А можно мне другого переписчика!?

I've only just learnt that Phil Collins isn’t his real name.
It’s a Sussudonym.

Ya know, undertakers are the most reliable people in the world -
they're the last ones to let you down.

Don't let your thinking be useless.
It's ignorant.
- Andrey Bratus

Для женщины существуют 3 вида секса. Если Выдумаете, что это "классика", "орал" и "анал", то Вы - ошибаетесь. Это: из жалости, в благодарность и по любви.

– Ты смотрел фильм "7 психопатов"?
– Он про психопатов?
– Да. Теперь угадай про скольких.

Everyone lives behind a bar they carry with them.

-Honey! I broke a glass in the kitchen!
-I am coming with the broom.
-It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

Was going to tell a quick bra joke...
...however I'm strapped for time.

What did the leaning tower say to Big Ben. “If you have the time,I have the inclination

“Owww! I broke my big toe!”
“Do you need an ambulance?”
“No, just call a toe truck.”

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

My mate suggested we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well I’m game if he is !

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

I say "MORNING" instead of "GOOD MORNING" because if it was a "good" morning I'd still be in my bed and not talking to people!

I'm just pondering: Did Noah's ark have flood lights?

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why did Cleopatra bathe in milk? She couldn’t find a cow tall enough to have a shower.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Chuck Norris once flew around the world;

On a kite.

I hate when I’m trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.

Owning an electric car is a re-volting
experience.

My inbox is full of penis enlargement emails. I've asked my wife to stop sending them.

I would like to tell my kids a joke about airplanes.
But I'm afraid it would go right over their head.

- Еврейская свадьба Подходит жених к ребе: И сколько я вам должен за церемонию?
- Ребе: Лично мне ничего... Но, если так хотите, пожертвуйте столько денег, во сколько вы оцениваете красоту вашей жены.
- Жених подумал и достал из кармана один шекель. Ребе осторожно заглянул
под фату, вздохнул и достал сдачу.

During a medical examination my doctor said mercury is in uranus right now. I said I'm not into that astrology stuff. He said nor am I. My thermometer just broke.

Do sharks know they have bad-ass entrance music?

Chuck Norris can cook 2 minute noodles in...
1 minute!!!

For Christmas I'm getting my girlfriend a wooden leg...
It's not her main present.... just a stocking filler.

Police are hunting a mad woman known as the "knitting needle killer". She's killed 8 people so far. Police think she's following a pattern...

ОБОЗВАЛИ ТОЛСТОЙ? СОЖРИ ИХ!!!

Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

I said to my local Baker "I would like a Sweet Pastry please'
He said "Danish"
I said "Oh Sorry, Jeg vil gerne have et sødt kager venligst"

Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that's the end of it.

Customer: “Waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Will my pancakes be long?”
Waiter: “No sir, round.”

При открывании шампанского зубами первое, что приходит в голову, это пробка.

The ability to live happily without women is incredibly attractive to them.

"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs,
I probably already said yes.

My feather pillow exploded last night....I am feeling a little down today.

Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

-¡Sal de mi vida!
-¡Pimienta de mi corazón!

Boy George has a lizard that bite's everyone that comes to his house.
He need's a calmer chameleon.

My grandfather was a laborer on the railroad but when he got electric shocked did that make him a conductor?

Exist to be happy, not to impress.
- Richard Bach

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

- Что одновременно мужского, женского и среднего рода?
- Музей-усадьба Архангельское.

Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?

Home alone! You know what that means? Porn with volume!

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add flour, sugar, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Si tu hermano mayor nunca te dijo que eres adoptado, eres adoptado.

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. ”
- Stephen Hawking

Any fruit salad can become sangria if you have wine in your purse.

Quiero salir a beber con mis amigos, alguien recomiende amigos.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

- Можно ли заниматься сексом сразу после прививки?
- Нет! Сначала нужно прийти домой…

I'd buy a treadmill....
But I've already got plenty of places to hang my clothes.

If you’re stabbed in a dark alley, sing a Smash Mouth song. You’ll still die, but the attacker will also suffer.

Агрессивный курьер секс-шопа, когда подходит к дому с заказом, орет: "ВАМ ПИЗДА"

Хорошо забытое старое – это не новое.
Это Альцгеймер.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

—Hemos aceptado su solicitud para adoptar a un niño africano. ¿Cómo lo van a llamar?

—A silbidos.

My cousin and his best friend write articles about various restaurant foods. They call themselves The Taste Buds.

From "babe" to "blocked account" a true love story.

My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.

Hire the handicapped. They're fun to watch.

Just bought Joan of Arc’s autobiography. I managed to get a singed copy.

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

"If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely."
- Carl Jung

I took my car for a service this morning
The vicar told me to get out as I was blocking the aisle.

I'm not sure whether or not to quit my job as a hot air balloon instructor. It's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

So excited. Went into a room today and actually remembered why I went in there. Granted, it was the bathroom, but still...

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

There's always LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. But if there isn't, it's not a tunnel !!!