Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.

— Зови меня просто — Повелитель Вселенной.
И, если не затруднит, встань на колени.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark…
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

How does a cell phone get drunk? It takes screenshots.

Nacimos para cometer errores, no para aparentar ser perfectos.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Лишь только девушку полюбишь, так сразу женщина она.

Chuck Norris got an A on his essay on how to describe courage… he wrote his name.

На чемпионате мира по чаепитию к концу все просто писали кипятком.

С водкой у меня всё идёт хорошо. Кроме ног.

Since becoming a sperm donor I’ve been making money hand over fist.

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

My background is in law. I can make anything your fault.

Always stay positive in all situations except you’re having an HIV test.

An alternative name for mist? Sorry no i've not the foggiest.

My true power as a mother comes from being the household candy dealer.

- Сёма, ты таки вирвал зуб?
- Да, таки вирвал.
- И таки во сколько тебе это обошлось?
- Нискока. Зуб вирвали, а деньги не смогли.

Why are frogs are so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

Chuck Norris once drank boiling water, and then spit out ice cubes! That's how cool Chuck Norris is.

Having a bad day is like watching a boring movie. You wanna fast-forward to the part where everyone dies.

Chuck Norris's shirts are 200% cotton.

The best present ever is a broken drum.
It's hard to beat.

Chuck Norris can reheat McDonald's fries and they taste good!

A panoramic view of London is easy on the Eye.

When I was christened, the vicar wore a false beard and dark glasses.....

It was a blessing in disguise.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model.

They hired me as the “before” picture.

Casual sex implies the existence of competitive tournament sex.

Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk? He had one two one two one two many.

Ничто так не украшает человека, как дружба с собственной головой.

I have made myself too many places to store books. I have no shelf control.

Кажется, колесо истории не рассчитано на наши дороги.
В.Шендерович.

Asked a farmer what an almond looks like when it’s still on the tree. They described it in a nutshell.

Once told a woman she looked great for her age instead of just saying she looked great. So yeah, you could say I’ve survived a near death experience.

Bad at telling golf jokes ?
Join the club.

“The more you know, the more you know you don't know.”
-Aristotle

Мужики придумали армрестлинг чтобы держаться за ручки и смотреть друг другу в глаза.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable...

What you say: All men are alike.
What I hear: You've tried them all.

Group projects in school weren't meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of your coworkers in the workplace.

Письмо к Деду Морозу: "Миленький дедушка, поставь мне под елочку стаканчик холодненького рассольчика".

Chuck Norris is the only man alive able to start a fire with 2 ice cubes.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

A man is not complete until he's married.
Then he's finished.

I hate it when I see an old person, then realize that we went to high school together.

Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

I found a pirate ship really cheap!
it was on sail!

We didn't notice my brother was a helium addict until one day when we went to his house and he was stuck to the ceiling.
That's when we realised he'd let himself go.

My friend said she’d only fall in love with someone who worked at a zoo. Because. Then she’d know he was a keeper.

Pro tip: Marry someone who’s not afraid to ask for a refund.

Have you ever noticed “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle!

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

Одесская автозаправка:
— Уважаемый, должен Вас предупредить — сегодня бензин чуточку подорожал…
— Ой, я Вас умоляю! Вы, таки, налейте мне 30 литров вчерашнего!

Did you hear about the rapper who only battled when she was on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.

Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.
– Salvador Dali

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Nine-tenths of wisdom consists in being wise in time.
- Theodore Roosevelt.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

- Quick, for this quiz. Name me any Tina Turner top 10 hit.
- The Best.
- I don’t care how good you think it is. Literally any one will do.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
She was breathtaking.

I've been asked to decorate the house with a satin paint, but I honestly don’t think I can fit my arse in the tin.

Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China!

Most “interesting facts” aren’t actually interesting.

Friend: Why is your brother so wicked?
Boy: He used to have a girlfriend called Ruth. She dumped him so he became ruthless.

I'm the Prince of Darkness in the sense I turn out all the lights my kids leave on

A brief guide to putting up with people’s bullshit.
Don’t. The end.

Приёмщик ломбарда первым узнал, что его квартиру обокрали.

Лежу такая, никого не трогаю, ноги задрала вверх, а он «у тебя ноги кривые», и тут я впервые в жизни поняла, что у него маленький член.

I had a joke about the clitoris but it has too much nerve.

Reduce your carbon footprint, let anger keep you warm.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.
-Winston Churchill

Nonsense makes too much sense to too many people.

The last kid to leave the school bus knows where everyone lives.