Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

For Christmas I'm getting my girlfriend a wooden leg...
It's not her main present.... just a stocking filler.

Police are hunting a mad woman known as the "knitting needle killer". She's killed 8 people so far. Police think she's following a pattern...

ОБОЗВАЛИ ТОЛСТОЙ? СОЖРИ ИХ!!!

Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

I said to my local Baker "I would like a Sweet Pastry please'
He said "Danish"
I said "Oh Sorry, Jeg vil gerne have et sødt kager venligst"

Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that's the end of it.

Customer: “Waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Will my pancakes be long?”
Waiter: “No sir, round.”

При открывании шампанского зубами первое, что приходит в голову, это пробка.

The ability to live happily without women is incredibly attractive to them.

"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs,
I probably already said yes.

My feather pillow exploded last night....I am feeling a little down today.

Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

-¡Sal de mi vida!
-¡Pimienta de mi corazón!

Boy George has a lizard that bite's everyone that comes to his house.
He need's a calmer chameleon.

My grandfather was a laborer on the railroad but when he got electric shocked did that make him a conductor?

Exist to be happy, not to impress.
- Richard Bach

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

- Что одновременно мужского, женского и среднего рода?
- Музей-усадьба Архангельское.

Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?

Home alone! You know what that means? Porn with volume!

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add flour, sugar, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Si tu hermano mayor nunca te dijo que eres adoptado, eres adoptado.

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. ”
- Stephen Hawking

Any fruit salad can become sangria if you have wine in your purse.

Quiero salir a beber con mis amigos, alguien recomiende amigos.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

- Можно ли заниматься сексом сразу после прививки?
- Нет! Сначала нужно прийти домой…

I'd buy a treadmill....
But I've already got plenty of places to hang my clothes.

If you’re stabbed in a dark alley, sing a Smash Mouth song. You’ll still die, but the attacker will also suffer.

Агрессивный курьер секс-шопа, когда подходит к дому с заказом, орет: "ВАМ ПИЗДА"

Хорошо забытое старое – это не новое.
Это Альцгеймер.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

—Hemos aceptado su solicitud para adoptar a un niño africano. ¿Cómo lo van a llamar?

—A silbidos.

My cousin and his best friend write articles about various restaurant foods. They call themselves The Taste Buds.

From "babe" to "blocked account" a true love story.

My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.

Hire the handicapped. They're fun to watch.

Just bought Joan of Arc’s autobiography. I managed to get a singed copy.

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

"If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely."
- Carl Jung

I took my car for a service this morning
The vicar told me to get out as I was blocking the aisle.

I'm not sure whether or not to quit my job as a hot air balloon instructor. It's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

So excited. Went into a room today and actually remembered why I went in there. Granted, it was the bathroom, but still...

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

There's always LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. But if there isn't, it's not a tunnel !!!

Sick and tired of my archery teacher: way too arrowgant!

— Дорогая, это ты мне дохлую змею в сапог положила?
— Она что, сдохла?!!

Главное - не перейти улицу на тот свет.

Why do proctologists become proctologists?

I assure you that if we meet I will never remember your name unless you’re a dog.

Тише, Танечка, не плачь.
Это, знаешь ли, ту мач.

He: You are the ';' to my code.
She: I code in Python.

— Фима, Вы совершенно не попадаете в ноты.
— Так я же таки и не целюсь.

To make a long story short, quit right in the middle.

A dentist and a manicurist argued about their respective career choices. They fought tooth and nail.

Саксофонист, когда целуется, по привычке пальцами перебирает у женщины позвонки.

I’ll find out the meaning of ‘penultimate’ if it’s the one before last thing I do.

— Представляешь, я узнал, что у моей жены есть любовник.
— Это ещё ничего. Я узнал, что у моей невесты есть муж.

Никогда не покупайте с рук Рембрандта, могут подсунуть Рубенса.

Hey auto-correct, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.

— Доктор, почему на мне все ездят?
— А Вы седло снимите.

How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three, four......*yawn* good night....

Вовочка подходит к маме: - мама, мы сочинение пишем, "как я родился" называется. Так как я родился? - в капусте мы тебя нашли, - улыбается мама. Вовочка пишет в сочинении: "мои родители размножались вегетативным способом, так и не познав радости секса..."

I bought a wireless fan because I’m knot a fan of wired fans.

Books are your own stories served from another mind.

My wife got out of the shower naked and said, ‘darling pull the curtains, the neighbours might see me’
I said don’t worry, if they see you, they’ll pull their own curtains.

Мелкие подхалимы редко становятся крупными начальниками. Это удел крупных подхалимов.

A bloke just knocked on my door,I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall.
I said "who are you?" he said "Im the meter man"

“It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.”
- Arthur Schopenhauer

I always knew I'd get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Jail is more than just a word... ...it’s a sentence.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

How do you know when a moth farts?
it flies in a straight line....

Why do they call the shopping center the mall???
Because you don’t just go to one store you go to TheM all!!!!!

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she is starting to sound like my wife”