Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sick and tired of my archery teacher: way too arrowgant!

— Дорогая, это ты мне дохлую змею в сапог положила?
— Она что, сдохла?!!

Главное - не перейти улицу на тот свет.

Why do proctologists become proctologists?

I assure you that if we meet I will never remember your name unless you’re a dog.

Тише, Танечка, не плачь.
Это, знаешь ли, ту мач.

He: You are the ';' to my code.
She: I code in Python.

— Фима, Вы совершенно не попадаете в ноты.
— Так я же таки и не целюсь.

To make a long story short, quit right in the middle.

A dentist and a manicurist argued about their respective career choices. They fought tooth and nail.

Саксофонист, когда целуется, по привычке пальцами перебирает у женщины позвонки.

I’ll find out the meaning of ‘penultimate’ if it’s the one before last thing I do.

— Представляешь, я узнал, что у моей жены есть любовник.
— Это ещё ничего. Я узнал, что у моей невесты есть муж.

Никогда не покупайте с рук Рембрандта, могут подсунуть Рубенса.

Hey auto-correct, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.

— Доктор, почему на мне все ездят?
— А Вы седло снимите.

How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three, four......*yawn* good night....

Вовочка подходит к маме: - мама, мы сочинение пишем, "как я родился" называется. Так как я родился? - в капусте мы тебя нашли, - улыбается мама. Вовочка пишет в сочинении: "мои родители размножались вегетативным способом, так и не познав радости секса..."

I bought a wireless fan because I’m knot a fan of wired fans.

Books are your own stories served from another mind.

My wife got out of the shower naked and said, ‘darling pull the curtains, the neighbours might see me’
I said don’t worry, if they see you, they’ll pull their own curtains.

Мелкие подхалимы редко становятся крупными начальниками. Это удел крупных подхалимов.

A bloke just knocked on my door,I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall.
I said "who are you?" he said "Im the meter man"

“It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.”
- Arthur Schopenhauer

I always knew I'd get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Jail is more than just a word... ...it’s a sentence.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

How do you know when a moth farts?
it flies in a straight line....

Why do they call the shopping center the mall???
Because you don’t just go to one store you go to TheM all!!!!!

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she is starting to sound like my wife”

If marriage is grand, what is divorce ?
Ten grands !

I was invited to a party.
Suddenly I farted when an angry man shouted: "Why do you fart in presence of my wife?"
I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

I'm going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.

Your anger is someone else’s victory.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE FIRES 🔥 They go out when unattended...

- Женат? Дети есть? Квартира? Машина? Работа? А сколько у тебя см?
- Женщина, а вы точно из переписи населения?

I don’t just drink to drown my sorrows, I’ll drink enough for yours too.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don’t mind.
I take it with a pinch of sugar.

How did the person who first invented the clock, know what time is was?

-Алло! Я барана сбил, что теперь делать?
-Убери его с дороги, чтоб не мешал проезду.
-А самокат куда?

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Какой старый конь не мечтает о новой борозде.

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.

— Зови меня просто — Повелитель Вселенной.
И, если не затруднит, встань на колени.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark…
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

How does a cell phone get drunk? It takes screenshots.

Nacimos para cometer errores, no para aparentar ser perfectos.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Лишь только девушку полюбишь, так сразу женщина она.

Chuck Norris got an A on his essay on how to describe courage… he wrote his name.

На чемпионате мира по чаепитию к концу все просто писали кипятком.

С водкой у меня всё идёт хорошо. Кроме ног.

Since becoming a sperm donor I’ve been making money hand over fist.

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

My background is in law. I can make anything your fault.

Always stay positive in all situations except you’re having an HIV test.

An alternative name for mist? Sorry no i've not the foggiest.

My true power as a mother comes from being the household candy dealer.

- Сёма, ты таки вирвал зуб?
- Да, таки вирвал.
- И таки во сколько тебе это обошлось?
- Нискока. Зуб вирвали, а деньги не смогли.

Why are frogs are so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

Chuck Norris once drank boiling water, and then spit out ice cubes! That's how cool Chuck Norris is.

Having a bad day is like watching a boring movie. You wanna fast-forward to the part where everyone dies.

Chuck Norris's shirts are 200% cotton.

The best present ever is a broken drum.
It's hard to beat.

Chuck Norris can reheat McDonald's fries and they taste good!

A panoramic view of London is easy on the Eye.

When I was christened, the vicar wore a false beard and dark glasses.....

It was a blessing in disguise.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model.

They hired me as the “before” picture.

Casual sex implies the existence of competitive tournament sex.

Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk? He had one two one two one two many.

Ничто так не украшает человека, как дружба с собственной головой.

I have made myself too many places to store books. I have no shelf control.

Кажется, колесо истории не рассчитано на наши дороги.
В.Шендерович.

Asked a farmer what an almond looks like when it’s still on the tree. They described it in a nutshell.

Once told a woman she looked great for her age instead of just saying she looked great. So yeah, you could say I’ve survived a near death experience.

Bad at telling golf jokes ?
Join the club.