Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Чтобы снизить количество вредных выбросов, руководство металлургического комбината запретило в столовой гороховый суп.

Why did the duck check into rehab?
He was addicted to quack!

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don't = Do not
Won't = Wo not

Follow me for more advice.

My local cinema is showing 2 films about conjoined twins tomorrow. It's a double-header.

Got a slice of a nice German Christmas cake in the local cafe, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen.

— Семен Аркадьевич, я понимаю, что вы лучшая для меня партия, но Яшенька пока еще только в реанимации!

The best example of period furniture is the electric chair -- because it ends a sentence!

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

we squint at the sun because its bright.

we squint at people because they are not...

your girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

A solid 10 but imaginary.

"Larga vida a mis enemigos, para que puedan ver mi gloria."
Bob Marley

Девушки выходят замуж худыми, чтобы легче было проникнуть в дом мужчины. А с годами толстеют, чтобы вытолкать их из дома было тяжело.

La vida es prestada, tarde o temprano tenemos que devolverla.

A typical job interview is a conversation between two liars.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..

..mixed fillings??

Did you hear about the retired World War II vet who later became a dentist and finished his working career in the
post office?
His tombstone epitaph said, “He fought, tooth and mail.”

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

5 age-appropriate things women over 40 should wear:
1. Whatever
2. The
3. Fuck
4. She
5. Wants.

Hot take: people who say ‘I hate to tell you this’, actually love to tell you that.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

The drunk man offered no resistance when police arrested him.

He turned out to be ohm-less.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

I told my friend I’d buy him a full English breakfast as long as he kept his hands out of his trousers. He didn’t touch his sausage.

Если вам от меня ничего не нужно, мне для вас ничего не жалко.

Masturbation is the art of coming unscrewed .

Пляж — это солярий для бедных.

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."
By William Shakespeare, Othello

My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
“Beats me”

Why are the saggy boobs angry?
Because they never get any support.

Быть опасным - опасно.

Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his keyboard, because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.

Пословицы противоречат одна другой. В этом, собственно, и заключается народная мудрость.
- Ежи Лец.

A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

Are you Italian because I want a pizza that ass ?
- Italian pick up line.

Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
- Steve Martin.

Экономьте время — читайте афоризмы.

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest. A bit weird I know but it just shows his heart is in the right place.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.

После черной полосы всегда следует белая. Если сегодня вас укусила
злая собака, значит завтра укусит добрая.

—¿Por qué no duermes, qué tienes?
—Internet.

В чемпионате по логичности победил победитель. Его наградили наградой.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

I used to have a friend who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?

I've found an exercise that's actually fun....
Running away from my responsibilities.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
- Charles Dickens

I don't delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

When my husband goes out of town on business, I put dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor and leave half empty water bottles everywhere so I feel close to him.

A rock band donated a box of vegetables to the charity they were playing at. Well, except the drummer.

He kept the beet.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

Have you ever ate a butt? Kind of a shitty meal if you ask me.

Did you hear about the woman caught by police with drugs in her bra? They said it was the largest bust ever.

I just read an article about the Shroud of Turin.

My first thought was Holy Sheet!

Ropa Vieja = Pijama Nueva :D

Have you noticed how lots of popular names have gone out of fashion? For example, over at the Atheist Club, there are no Christians.

The Earth’s rotation is caused by Chuck Norris’s morning jog.

Took my wife to the doctor for a suspicious spot between her breasts. Turns out it was just her belly button.

At Chuck Norris' house, his wife leaves the toilet seat up!

Chuck Norris won the tour de France on a bike with no chain.

No me gusta ver mi casa sucia, voy a cerrar los ojos.

Чем дальше будущее - тем лучше оно выглядит.

What did they call autumn in Italy around 395 A.D.?
Fall of the Roman Empire.

Group projects: one person does all the work. Everyone takes credit.

“I dream of painting and then I paint my dream”
- Vincent van Gogh

What do you call a really sleepy egg?

Egg-zosted!

Two artists in love were drawn to each other!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she broke up with me before we met.

The teacher asked us to name some Polynesian islands. I came up with Tuvalu and Tonga but it wasn’t enough; the teacher wanted Samoa.

🦇 + 🌳 = 🔋

Follow me for more tips on how to speak in a British accent!

Мне кажется, что девушки в Таиланде что-то от нас прячут.

Шпион - находка для болтуна.

John wick killed 3 people in a bar with a pencil that he borrowed from chuck Norris.

Q: Where did King Arthur buy his camels?
A: Camelot!!

“Biff, use the word ‘demeaning’ in a sentence.”
Oh, that’s easy. What is demeaning of life?”

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

To the person who stole my classical music collection:
I am not mad, in fact, you have my symphonies.