Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“The more you know, the more you know you don't know.”
-Aristotle

Мужики придумали армрестлинг чтобы держаться за ручки и смотреть друг другу в глаза.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable...

What you say: All men are alike.
What I hear: You've tried them all.

Group projects in school weren't meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of your coworkers in the workplace.

Письмо к Деду Морозу: "Миленький дедушка, поставь мне под елочку стаканчик холодненького рассольчика".

Chuck Norris is the only man alive able to start a fire with 2 ice cubes.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

A man is not complete until he's married.
Then he's finished.

I hate it when I see an old person, then realize that we went to high school together.

Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

I found a pirate ship really cheap!
it was on sail!

We didn't notice my brother was a helium addict until one day when we went to his house and he was stuck to the ceiling.
That's when we realised he'd let himself go.

My friend said she’d only fall in love with someone who worked at a zoo. Because. Then she’d know he was a keeper.

Pro tip: Marry someone who’s not afraid to ask for a refund.

Have you ever noticed “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle!

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

Одесская автозаправка:
— Уважаемый, должен Вас предупредить — сегодня бензин чуточку подорожал…
— Ой, я Вас умоляю! Вы, таки, налейте мне 30 литров вчерашнего!

Did you hear about the rapper who only battled when she was on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.

Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.
– Salvador Dali

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Nine-tenths of wisdom consists in being wise in time.
- Theodore Roosevelt.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Doctor: "Your wife's in the hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

- Quick, for this quiz. Name me any Tina Turner top 10 hit.
- The Best.
- I don’t care how good you think it is. Literally any one will do.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
She was breathtaking.

I've been asked to decorate the house with a satin paint, but I honestly don’t think I can fit my arse in the tin.

Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China!

Most “interesting facts” aren’t actually interesting.

Friend: Why is your brother so wicked?
Boy: He used to have a girlfriend called Ruth. She dumped him so he became ruthless.

I'm the Prince of Darkness in the sense I turn out all the lights my kids leave on

A brief guide to putting up with people’s bullshit.
Don’t. The end.

Приёмщик ломбарда первым узнал, что его квартиру обокрали.

Лежу такая, никого не трогаю, ноги задрала вверх, а он «у тебя ноги кривые», и тут я впервые в жизни поняла, что у него маленький член.

I had a joke about the clitoris but it has too much nerve.

Reduce your carbon footprint, let anger keep you warm.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.
-Winston Churchill

Nonsense makes too much sense to too many people.

The last kid to leave the school bus knows where everyone lives.

Чтобы снизить количество вредных выбросов, руководство металлургического комбината запретило в столовой гороховый суп.

Why did the duck check into rehab?
He was addicted to quack!

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don't = Do not
Won't = Wo not

Follow me for more advice.

My local cinema is showing 2 films about conjoined twins tomorrow. It's a double-header.

Got a slice of a nice German Christmas cake in the local cafe, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen.

— Семен Аркадьевич, я понимаю, что вы лучшая для меня партия, но Яшенька пока еще только в реанимации!

The best example of period furniture is the electric chair -- because it ends a sentence!

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

we squint at the sun because its bright.

we squint at people because they are not...

your girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

A solid 10 but imaginary.

"Larga vida a mis enemigos, para que puedan ver mi gloria."
Bob Marley

Девушки выходят замуж худыми, чтобы легче было проникнуть в дом мужчины. А с годами толстеют, чтобы вытолкать их из дома было тяжело.

La vida es prestada, tarde o temprano tenemos que devolverla.

A typical job interview is a conversation between two liars.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..

..mixed fillings??

Did you hear about the retired World War II vet who later became a dentist and finished his working career in the
post office?
His tombstone epitaph said, “He fought, tooth and mail.”

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

5 age-appropriate things women over 40 should wear:
1. Whatever
2. The
3. Fuck
4. She
5. Wants.

Hot take: people who say ‘I hate to tell you this’, actually love to tell you that.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

The drunk man offered no resistance when police arrested him.

He turned out to be ohm-less.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

I told my friend I’d buy him a full English breakfast as long as he kept his hands out of his trousers. He didn’t touch his sausage.

Если вам от меня ничего не нужно, мне для вас ничего не жалко.

Masturbation is the art of coming unscrewed .

Пляж — это солярий для бедных.

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."
By William Shakespeare, Othello

My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
“Beats me”

Why are the saggy boobs angry?
Because they never get any support.

Быть опасным - опасно.

Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his keyboard, because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.

Пословицы противоречат одна другой. В этом, собственно, и заключается народная мудрость.
- Ежи Лец.

A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."