Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Are you Italian because I want a pizza that ass ?
- Italian pick up line.

Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
- Steve Martin.

Экономьте время — читайте афоризмы.

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest. A bit weird I know but it just shows his heart is in the right place.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.

После черной полосы всегда следует белая. Если сегодня вас укусила
злая собака, значит завтра укусит добрая.

—¿Por qué no duermes, qué tienes?
—Internet.

В чемпионате по логичности победил победитель. Его наградили наградой.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

I used to have a friend who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?

I've found an exercise that's actually fun....
Running away from my responsibilities.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
- Charles Dickens

I don't delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

When my husband goes out of town on business, I put dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor and leave half empty water bottles everywhere so I feel close to him.

A rock band donated a box of vegetables to the charity they were playing at. Well, except the drummer.

He kept the beet.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

Have you ever ate a butt? Kind of a shitty meal if you ask me.

Did you hear about the woman caught by police with drugs in her bra? They said it was the largest bust ever.

I just read an article about the Shroud of Turin.

My first thought was Holy Sheet!

Ropa Vieja = Pijama Nueva :D

Have you noticed how lots of popular names have gone out of fashion? For example, over at the Atheist Club, there are no Christians.

The Earth’s rotation is caused by Chuck Norris’s morning jog.

Took my wife to the doctor for a suspicious spot between her breasts. Turns out it was just her belly button.

At Chuck Norris' house, his wife leaves the toilet seat up!

Chuck Norris won the tour de France on a bike with no chain.

No me gusta ver mi casa sucia, voy a cerrar los ojos.

Чем дальше будущее - тем лучше оно выглядит.

What did they call autumn in Italy around 395 A.D.?
Fall of the Roman Empire.

Group projects: one person does all the work. Everyone takes credit.

“I dream of painting and then I paint my dream”
- Vincent van Gogh

What do you call a really sleepy egg?

Egg-zosted!

Two artists in love were drawn to each other!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she broke up with me before we met.

The teacher asked us to name some Polynesian islands. I came up with Tuvalu and Tonga but it wasn’t enough; the teacher wanted Samoa.

🦇 + 🌳 = 🔋

Follow me for more tips on how to speak in a British accent!

Мне кажется, что девушки в Таиланде что-то от нас прячут.

Шпион - находка для болтуна.

John wick killed 3 people in a bar with a pencil that he borrowed from chuck Norris.

Q: Where did King Arthur buy his camels?
A: Camelot!!

“Biff, use the word ‘demeaning’ in a sentence.”
Oh, that’s easy. What is demeaning of life?”

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

To the person who stole my classical music collection:
I am not mad, in fact, you have my symphonies.

I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants were.

She told me they were in the non-friction section.

Tony Bennet left his heart in San Francisco… yeah… right where Chuck Norris removed it from his chest!

You know your an adult when the medicine cabinet in your bathroom actually has medicine in it.

When I dunk my cookies, I think about you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but in the end I kind of liked it.

I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage.

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

MY PRINCE isn't coming on a white horse… Obviously he's riding a turtle and definitely lost!

Double negatives are a no-no in English.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I thought I won the argument with my partner about how to arrange the furniture.
When I got home, the tables had turned.

- Я буду приносить тебе кофе в постель!
- Я замужем.
- Два кофе!

DR: Are you drinking enough fluids?
ME: That's literally all I drink.

I fuck like a gentleman.
The pleasure's all mine.

Me gustabas mas cuando te conocía menos.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a gun under his pillow. The gun feels much safer now.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

I spent all afternoon trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was.

In the end I had to call it a day.

You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Home is where u can look ugly n enjoy it.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.

I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room.
You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”.

EAT becomes FAT if you don’t draw the line.

Customer: How does the crispy aromatic duck sound?
Waiter: Quack! Quack! But that's before it was crispy or aromatic.

Am I going to complain about the British Botox clinic's service ?
No, I'm going to keep a stiff upper lip...

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

I walked in to the kitchen and said to my wife, "Is that coffee I smell?".
She replied "It is and you do!".

Do you guys know what i gifted my fav web series on its birthday?
I gave it a watch.

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

If I get pushed in the pool this summer, I'm not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I remember when boy scouts would go around fixing car horns on everybody's vehicles. They stayed true to their motto, 'Beep Repaired'.

What's a skeleton's least favorite song?
"Another Saturday night and I ain't got no body."

Грузчик - это человек, который может матом объясниться в любви.

What did the skeleton say before it ate?
"Bone-appetit."

Did you ever feel like you were already tired tomorrow?