Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants were.

She told me they were in the non-friction section.

Tony Bennet left his heart in San Francisco… yeah… right where Chuck Norris removed it from his chest!

You know your an adult when the medicine cabinet in your bathroom actually has medicine in it.

When I dunk my cookies, I think about you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but in the end I kind of liked it.

I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage.

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

MY PRINCE isn't coming on a white horse… Obviously he's riding a turtle and definitely lost!

Double negatives are a no-no in English.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I thought I won the argument with my partner about how to arrange the furniture.
When I got home, the tables had turned.

- Я буду приносить тебе кофе в постель!
- Я замужем.
- Два кофе!

DR: Are you drinking enough fluids?
ME: That's literally all I drink.

I fuck like a gentleman.
The pleasure's all mine.

Me gustabas mas cuando te conocía menos.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a gun under his pillow. The gun feels much safer now.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

I spent all afternoon trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was.

In the end I had to call it a day.

You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Home is where u can look ugly n enjoy it.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.

I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room.
You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”.

EAT becomes FAT if you don’t draw the line.

Customer: How does the crispy aromatic duck sound?
Waiter: Quack! Quack! But that's before it was crispy or aromatic.

Am I going to complain about the British Botox clinic's service ?
No, I'm going to keep a stiff upper lip...

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

I walked in to the kitchen and said to my wife, "Is that coffee I smell?".
She replied "It is and you do!".

Do you guys know what i gifted my fav web series on its birthday?
I gave it a watch.

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities:
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

If I get pushed in the pool this summer, I'm not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I remember when boy scouts would go around fixing car horns on everybody's vehicles. They stayed true to their motto, 'Beep Repaired'.

What's a skeleton's least favorite song?
"Another Saturday night and I ain't got no body."

Грузчик - это человек, который может матом объясниться в любви.

What did the skeleton say before it ate?
"Bone-appetit."

Did you ever feel like you were already tired tomorrow?

If you play an instrument and want to know the secret of sounding better, please stay tuned…

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon,
“When are you going to propose to me?”

I immediately popped the question.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in!

When Hunter Biden tried to sell Chuck one of his paintings, Chuck said, “Show me the Monet!”

I went to a haunted house that's owned by Don Henley. When I asked if I'd see Casper, he said, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969."

My pet bear has been poorly with the poops.
He’s improving but he’s still not out of the woods.

How do you remove a farmer from a photograph?

You crop him out.

ADHD sounds like 80HD, and that sounds twice as good as WD40.

Chuck Norris can't see himself in a mirror, because there is only one Chuck..

My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Turns out I’m adopted.

It only rained twice last week. Once for 3 days and once for 4 days.

I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.

” To define is to limit.”

— Oscar Wilde

Somebody called me a good looker.
Well, they actually said voyuer.

Женщину понять легко. Она, как открытая книга. Книга по квантовой физике. На китайском языке.

I saw a sheep driving a car, it was an eweber driver.

They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. The older I get, the more
9 PM is the new
midnight.

I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

How do you say suppository in Italian?

Innuendo

My Aunt Penny kept appearing to me
after her cremation.
I guess it’s true that
a Penny urned is a Penny saved.

“Karen” shuts up and quits complaining when Chuck Norris enters the room.

If you're stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.

The difference between LOVE and MARRIAGE is that love is blind, and marriage is an eye-opener!

If you can't find your dog, open the fridge door. Now he's standing right behind you.

Rather than replace the laces I lost in a wash, I'm going to buy velcro for my shoes. Why knot?

В молодости я хотел жениться. Но был спасён мамой. Она пришла пораньше. И забрала меня из садика.

Депрессия — это злость без энтузиазма.

С годами становится легче делать все: легче чистить зубы, легче расчесываться.

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates

What should you do if you can't get to sleep?
Lie on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off!.

Never trust your fears, they don’t know your strength….Keep Moving Forward !!!

I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.
My boss was furious.

Worry is like a rocking chair. You go back and forth, but get nowhere.
- Glenn Yarbrough.

My last relationship taught me: You can be the whole package at the wrong address.

Me: “Its not how many times you fall down that matters. Its that you get back up again.”

Police officer: “ I’m afraid that’s not how the Field Sobriety Test works.”

Чем больше у девушки персик, тем меньше интересует, есть ли у неё изюминка.

Girl - -Do your socks have holes in them?- Boy - -No- Girl - -Then how did you get your feet in?-

Chuck Norris passed his driving test, from the passenger seat!

Just heard that Ryanair lost 15 million last year.
I'm not sure whether that’s Euros or suitcases.

That awkward moment when everyone is talking during the class but the teacher only hears your voice.

We were so poor when I was a lad , when I opened my train set for my birthday present , it had been replaced by a temporary bus service with sunday hours....

От красивой женщины пьянеешь. А с некрасивой хочется напиться.

Doesanyoneknowwhatthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".