Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…

Induction: The act of inserting ducks.
Deduction: The act of removing ducks.

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

Локдаун.
- Извините, а бар работает?
- Теперь это не бар, а ветеринарная аптека. Что вам налить, котик?

Бросил учиться на ошибках. После учёбы ошибки лучше не становятся.

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

Не беси. Да небесим будешь.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

A millionaire walks into a car dealership.
The salesman says “hello sir, are you thinking about buying that Lamborghini?”
The millionaire says, “I’m going to buy the Lamborghini. I’m thinking about pussy.”

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?
Steve's not a cunt.

Nurse: How do you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars. Would not recommend.

Do you know that if you read EMAN RUOY backwards, you’ll see your name?

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!

Las mujeres son como los chinos: nadie las entiende y están dominando el mundo.

The weather is really hot today ! If it wasn't this hot, it would be cooler !

How do you know if an elephant loves to travel?
Because he always packs his own trunk.

Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the asshole button!

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.
She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club.

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.”
The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
A: I don't know, I wasn't invited!

Just bought a new TV, on the back of it was printed "Built in Antenna".....
I haven"t a clue where that country is !

Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common?
A: They both need a hoe to stay in business.

Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like kidnappers asking you to 'keep in touch' after letting you go...

Someone jumped in my taxi, pointed to a chap in front and shouted “Follow him”.
I said, “Sure, what’s his twitter handle?”

The only GOOD THING about MARRIAGE is that if you're afraid of the dark, you won't sleep alone!

First rule of might club: never commit to plans.

Gonna try not to celebrate the Devil’s Holiday this year.

Of course I mean Thanksgiving with my in-laws.

They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.

I’ve just seen my boss getting beaten up at work so I ran over to help…
He didn’t stand a chance against 2 of us…

Just ate at the Sam & Ella Cafe.

Now not feeling so well.

"I feel terrible. I think I've got fly."
"Don't you mean flu?"
"No, because I've still got it".

After only a day I was fired from my job at the cheese factory. They said that I was always standing in the whey.

Friend: Why are you churning that milk?
Me: Trust me...it's butter this way.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein

Jehovah's Witnesses' don't get involved in Hallowe'en.
I guess they don't want uninvited people knocking on their doors.

My toilet fitting business is booming. It's all cisterns go.

— Вот вы, штатские, считаете военных тупее себя. Но если вы такие умные, почему тогда строем не ходите?

Someone just knocked on my door and said I had to give them a small branch, or they would twist my nipple. Bloody twig or tweakers.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar.
The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "figure it out yourselves."

Thank you student loans for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He couldn't handle his boo's.

I've created a writing software to rival microsoft.
It’s their Word against mine.

MEN look at WOMEN's behind and say, "What an Ass".. Women look at men's face, and say the same thing!

Сон — такая же приятная штука, как и еда. Только ещё приятнее. Потому, что он бесплатный.

Я пришел к выводу: единственное, что я могу сделать для улучшения своего благосостояния, это не свистеть.

There was a short scream from inside the suitcase.

“Brief?”

“OK, there was a scream from inside the BRIEFcase.”

Mejor sensación del mundo: tener la razón en una discusión.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The older I get the more I think "Grumpy Old Men" should've just been called "Men."

If someone knocks on your door this Halloween dressed up as a mustard jar waving a Canadian flag, say Hi to Celine Dijon!!

“ Code is like humor. When you have to explain it, it’s bad.”

Did you hear about the teenage ghost who lay on the couch all day?
It was a case of paranormal inactivity.

I want to get a periodic table. I’ll only need it sometimes.

Половина жителей России поддержали обязательную вакцинацию другой половины жителей России.

Napoleon didn’t design the coat he wore, but he had a hand in it.

For Halloween I'm going as a burnt steak.
So someone will finally say "Well Done" to me .

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

Why was the skeleton sad? He had no body to trick-or-treat with.

Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!

What is Dracula’s second favorite holiday after Halloween?
Fangs-giving!

You have to eat both sides of the Twix or the uneaten side gets lonely. Like boobs.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

A black cat just crossed my path. I think there’s some purrinormal cativity going on or something.

What do you call a male zebra?

A zebro.

I love Halloween. All the local kids running around, knocking on my door and screaming ‘Let me out!’

Went to the grocery store today. Had to pay for food and then prepare and cook it myself.
Zero stars. Would not recommend.

Its no longer called boxed wine, the classy term is Cardboardeaux.

Идеальная жена должна выглядеть так, чтобы все думали, что она любовница.

Решили с женой поиграть в ролевую игру «Доктор и пациент»… Пол ночи просидел под дверью: без талончика — не принимала.

Пока ни начали бить, трудно понять, что сказал лишнее.

If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

The only way to get on to the Limp Bizkit website is by Disabling Cookies.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”
Lao Tzu

"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master."
Epictetus

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals."
- Benjamin Franklin

"The root of all suffering is attachment."
- Buddha

"The measure of a man is what he does with power."
- Plato

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein