Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

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My girlfriend wrote on a balloon,
“When are you going to propose to me?”

I immediately popped the question.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in!

When Hunter Biden tried to sell Chuck one of his paintings, Chuck said, “Show me the Monet!”

I went to a haunted house that's owned by Don Henley. When I asked if I'd see Casper, he said, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969."

My pet bear has been poorly with the poops.
He’s improving but he’s still not out of the woods.

How do you remove a farmer from a photograph?

You crop him out.

ADHD sounds like 80HD, and that sounds twice as good as WD40.

Chuck Norris can't see himself in a mirror, because there is only one Chuck..

My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Turns out I’m adopted.

It only rained twice last week. Once for 3 days and once for 4 days.

I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.

” To define is to limit.”

— Oscar Wilde

Somebody called me a good looker.
Well, they actually said voyuer.

Женщину понять легко. Она, как открытая книга. Книга по квантовой физике. На китайском языке.

I saw a sheep driving a car, it was an eweber driver.

They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. The older I get, the more
9 PM is the new
midnight.

I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

How do you say suppository in Italian?

Innuendo

My Aunt Penny kept appearing to me
after her cremation.
I guess it’s true that
a Penny urned is a Penny saved.

“Karen” shuts up and quits complaining when Chuck Norris enters the room.

If you're stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.

The difference between LOVE and MARRIAGE is that love is blind, and marriage is an eye-opener!

If you can't find your dog, open the fridge door. Now he's standing right behind you.

Rather than replace the laces I lost in a wash, I'm going to buy velcro for my shoes. Why knot?

В молодости я хотел жениться. Но был спасён мамой. Она пришла пораньше. И забрала меня из садика.

Депрессия — это злость без энтузиазма.

С годами становится легче делать все: легче чистить зубы, легче расчесываться.

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates

What should you do if you can't get to sleep?
Lie on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off!.

Never trust your fears, they don’t know your strength….Keep Moving Forward !!!

I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.
My boss was furious.

Worry is like a rocking chair. You go back and forth, but get nowhere.
- Glenn Yarbrough.

My last relationship taught me: You can be the whole package at the wrong address.

Me: “Its not how many times you fall down that matters. Its that you get back up again.”

Police officer: “ I’m afraid that’s not how the Field Sobriety Test works.”

Чем больше у девушки персик, тем меньше интересует, есть ли у неё изюминка.

Girl - -Do your socks have holes in them?- Boy - -No- Girl - -Then how did you get your feet in?-

Chuck Norris passed his driving test, from the passenger seat!

Just heard that Ryanair lost 15 million last year.
I'm not sure whether that’s Euros or suitcases.

That awkward moment when everyone is talking during the class but the teacher only hears your voice.

We were so poor when I was a lad , when I opened my train set for my birthday present , it had been replaced by a temporary bus service with sunday hours....

От красивой женщины пьянеешь. А с некрасивой хочется напиться.

Doesanyoneknowwhatthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".

I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…

Induction: The act of inserting ducks.
Deduction: The act of removing ducks.

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

Локдаун.
- Извините, а бар работает?
- Теперь это не бар, а ветеринарная аптека. Что вам налить, котик?

Бросил учиться на ошибках. После учёбы ошибки лучше не становятся.

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

Не беси. Да небесим будешь.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

A millionaire walks into a car dealership.
The salesman says “hello sir, are you thinking about buying that Lamborghini?”
The millionaire says, “I’m going to buy the Lamborghini. I’m thinking about pussy.”

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?
Steve's not a cunt.

Nurse: How do you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars. Would not recommend.

Do you know that if you read EMAN RUOY backwards, you’ll see your name?

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!

Las mujeres son como los chinos: nadie las entiende y están dominando el mundo.

The weather is really hot today ! If it wasn't this hot, it would be cooler !

How do you know if an elephant loves to travel?
Because he always packs his own trunk.

Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the asshole button!

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.
She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club.

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.”
The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
A: I don't know, I wasn't invited!

Just bought a new TV, on the back of it was printed "Built in Antenna".....
I haven"t a clue where that country is !

Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common?
A: They both need a hoe to stay in business.

Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like kidnappers asking you to 'keep in touch' after letting you go...

Someone jumped in my taxi, pointed to a chap in front and shouted “Follow him”.
I said, “Sure, what’s his twitter handle?”

The only GOOD THING about MARRIAGE is that if you're afraid of the dark, you won't sleep alone!

First rule of might club: never commit to plans.

Gonna try not to celebrate the Devil’s Holiday this year.

Of course I mean Thanksgiving with my in-laws.

They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.

I’ve just seen my boss getting beaten up at work so I ran over to help…
He didn’t stand a chance against 2 of us…

Just ate at the Sam & Ella Cafe.

Now not feeling so well.

"I feel terrible. I think I've got fly."
"Don't you mean flu?"
"No, because I've still got it".

After only a day I was fired from my job at the cheese factory. They said that I was always standing in the whey.

Friend: Why are you churning that milk?
Me: Trust me...it's butter this way.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein

Jehovah's Witnesses' don't get involved in Hallowe'en.
I guess they don't want uninvited people knocking on their doors.

My toilet fitting business is booming. It's all cisterns go.