Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

— Вот вы, штатские, считаете военных тупее себя. Но если вы такие умные, почему тогда строем не ходите?

Someone just knocked on my door and said I had to give them a small branch, or they would twist my nipple. Bloody twig or tweakers.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar.
The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "figure it out yourselves."

Thank you student loans for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He couldn't handle his boo's.

I've created a writing software to rival microsoft.
It’s their Word against mine.

MEN look at WOMEN's behind and say, "What an Ass".. Women look at men's face, and say the same thing!

Сон — такая же приятная штука, как и еда. Только ещё приятнее. Потому, что он бесплатный.

Я пришел к выводу: единственное, что я могу сделать для улучшения своего благосостояния, это не свистеть.

There was a short scream from inside the suitcase.

“Brief?”

“OK, there was a scream from inside the BRIEFcase.”

Mejor sensación del mundo: tener la razón en una discusión.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The older I get the more I think "Grumpy Old Men" should've just been called "Men."

If someone knocks on your door this Halloween dressed up as a mustard jar waving a Canadian flag, say Hi to Celine Dijon!!

“ Code is like humor. When you have to explain it, it’s bad.”

Did you hear about the teenage ghost who lay on the couch all day?
It was a case of paranormal inactivity.

I want to get a periodic table. I’ll only need it sometimes.

Половина жителей России поддержали обязательную вакцинацию другой половины жителей России.

Napoleon didn’t design the coat he wore, but he had a hand in it.

For Halloween I'm going as a burnt steak.
So someone will finally say "Well Done" to me .

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

Why was the skeleton sad? He had no body to trick-or-treat with.

Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!

What is Dracula’s second favorite holiday after Halloween?
Fangs-giving!

You have to eat both sides of the Twix or the uneaten side gets lonely. Like boobs.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

A black cat just crossed my path. I think there’s some purrinormal cativity going on or something.

What do you call a male zebra?

A zebro.

I love Halloween. All the local kids running around, knocking on my door and screaming ‘Let me out!’

Went to the grocery store today. Had to pay for food and then prepare and cook it myself.
Zero stars. Would not recommend.

Its no longer called boxed wine, the classy term is Cardboardeaux.

Идеальная жена должна выглядеть так, чтобы все думали, что она любовница.

Решили с женой поиграть в ролевую игру «Доктор и пациент»… Пол ночи просидел под дверью: без талончика — не принимала.

Пока ни начали бить, трудно понять, что сказал лишнее.

If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

The only way to get on to the Limp Bizkit website is by Disabling Cookies.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”
Lao Tzu

"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master."
Epictetus

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals."
- Benjamin Franklin

"The root of all suffering is attachment."
- Buddha

"The measure of a man is what he does with power."
- Plato

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

"The purpose of knowledge is action, not knowledge."
- Aristotle

"He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior."
- Confucius

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

"Success comes from curiosity, concentration, perseverance, and self-criticism."
- Albert Einstein

My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I’m sure it’s carpool tunnel syndrome...

I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

— Как называется этот вкусный коктейль?
— «Моча с кокосом».
— Хм-м, точно. Немного чувствуется кокос.

Heard two witches telling jokes. Broom broom.

Just found out that one of my twins has the other listed in his phone contacts as Spare Parts.

My coprolite collection has gotten so big that I’m known as “The Man of a Thousand Feces.”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Can I tell you a vegan joke?
I promise it won’t be cheesy.

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? Are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed.

How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.

Wondering who gave you a card on Valentine's Day? Good.
Wondering who gave you a card on Father's Day? Bad.

Q: What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A: A prince.

Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter?
Her name is Mary Christmas.

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.

My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.

“We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life.”
~ P.D. James

The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

Плохая память имеет свои достоинства – жизнь не перестает вас удивлять ... )

If a Viking is reincarnated, is he Bjorn again?

I thought I’d surprise my wife for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Oh.”

Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.” Johnny: “So, what are the words?”

People don't lose their ability to distinguish what's cool and what's embarrassing as they age. They lose the ability to give a sh*t.

Why do zombies speak Latin? It's a dead language.

Man, "I know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith".
Friend, "Really? What's the name of the other leg?"

Вопрос на женском форуме:
- У моего соседа Вай-Фай называется 23 см. Как узнать, из какой квартиры этот сосед?

Don’t wait to get into the stock market.
Get into the stock market and wait.

Thinking of opening up a chicken restaurant. It's mostly grain and seeds, right?

Mad hatter implies the existence of a just disappointed hatter.

Ложь неприятнее всего, когда она глагол.

Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.