Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

"The purpose of knowledge is action, not knowledge."
- Aristotle

"He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior."
- Confucius

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

"Success comes from curiosity, concentration, perseverance, and self-criticism."
- Albert Einstein

My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I’m sure it’s carpool tunnel syndrome...

I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

— Как называется этот вкусный коктейль?
— «Моча с кокосом».
— Хм-м, точно. Немного чувствуется кокос.

Heard two witches telling jokes. Broom broom.

Just found out that one of my twins has the other listed in his phone contacts as Spare Parts.

My coprolite collection has gotten so big that I’m known as “The Man of a Thousand Feces.”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Can I tell you a vegan joke?
I promise it won’t be cheesy.

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? Are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed.

How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.

Wondering who gave you a card on Valentine's Day? Good.
Wondering who gave you a card on Father's Day? Bad.

Q: What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A: A prince.

Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter?
Her name is Mary Christmas.

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.

My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.

“We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life.”
~ P.D. James

The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

Плохая память имеет свои достоинства – жизнь не перестает вас удивлять ... )

If a Viking is reincarnated, is he Bjorn again?

I thought I’d surprise my wife for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Oh.”

Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.” Johnny: “So, what are the words?”

People don't lose their ability to distinguish what's cool and what's embarrassing as they age. They lose the ability to give a sh*t.

Why do zombies speak Latin? It's a dead language.

Man, "I know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith".
Friend, "Really? What's the name of the other leg?"

Вопрос на женском форуме:
- У моего соседа Вай-Фай называется 23 см. Как узнать, из какой квартиры этот сосед?

Don’t wait to get into the stock market.
Get into the stock market and wait.

Thinking of opening up a chicken restaurant. It's mostly grain and seeds, right?

Mad hatter implies the existence of a just disappointed hatter.

Ложь неприятнее всего, когда она глагол.

Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.

I started my puncture repair business from a small flat.

Правда похожа на проститутку. Её все хотят. Но никто не любит.

Did you hear about the medical student who double majored in psychiatry and proctology? He wanted to study odds and ends.

What do you call an athletic pumpkin?

A jock o’ lantern.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

- А дизайнера можно к телефону?
- Он занят...
- А что он делает?
- Его бьют.

It's not premarital sex if you don't get married.
Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

I was robbed at the gas station today!

I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it?

I said yes, pump #6.

If Tesla made a gun, what would it be called?
Elon Musk-et.

I recently gave £100 to children in the third world or as the cynics would no doubt describe it ‘bought a pair of trainers’.

Later is the best time to do anything.

I bought myself a new Husqvarna chainsaw yesterday. The price was so good it was basically a Stihl.

- Соломон Моисеевич, почему вы всем говорите, что вы не еврей?
- Нет, вы посмотрите на него.. он запрещает мине иметь-таки свое мнение...

Плохому теоретику практика мешает.

У нас в стране всё принадлежит всем, а олигархи и чиновники просто временно хранят всё у себя.

I accidentally swallowed a load of maggots while out fishing.......
Now I'm in hospital waiting with baited breath.

Just had a train run over my foot......

Probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

Если жена сказала, что уходит, не расстраивайтесь - возможно, это просто развод.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: "I wish you were bad at math.
Genie: "Okay, done. You now have 24 wishes remaining.

"The only lies for which we are truly punished are those we tell ourselves."
By V.S. Naipaul, In A Free State

I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.

Wow! So crazy that you didn't get my email. So weird. Let me send it again.
*Me sending the email for the first time*

Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.

"To be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves."
- Alexander Pope

I was excited when my new employer sent me for a drug test.
What a waste of time, I didn’t get to test any drugs, just had to pee in a cup!

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your student loan debt.

Is pussylips one word? Or should I spread them apart?

Мочевой пузырь, он как сердце. Ему не прикажешь.

Джентльмен: человек, который любой анекдот всегда слышит впервые.

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

Q: What do kings use to measure?
A: Rulers.

My first wife was a nymphomaniac. But after five years of marriage the nympho left, leaving me with the maniac.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

How do you make an Italian wine? Insult her cooking.

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

SECRET TIP FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: If you want to be happy with a man, love him less and understand him more. But if you want to be happy with a woman, love her more and never try to understand her!

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A HOT BATH
Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot anymore!

Удав и Слонёнок встретились утром.
Удав:
- Здравствуй, хуй на морде!
Слонёнок:
- Доброе утро, морда на хую!

— Дорогая, я тебе предлагал групповой секс?
— Нет.
— Кому же я его тогда предлагал?

Говорить правду легко и приятно. А выслушивать правду в ответ — тяжело и противно.

Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. And now, you are mad at each other as well...

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE requires falling in love many times... but keep in mind it has to be always with the same person!